How do I tackle this toy issue without offending?

[PaellaUmbrella]

I wasn't sure where to post this, but I know many people in this section feel the same as I do about pink toys for girls, so hope this is the right place.

DD is 21 months old. I have long been interested in the pink stinks campaign and since having DD, have always made a concerted effort to choose gender neutral toys and baby accessories. I also usually opt for other colours in clothing.

Anyway. The "problem" is with my MIL. When getting anything for DD, she always opts for the pink version. We asked for some mega blocks for DD at Xmas, and she chose the pink ones. There was also a pink car. When DD opens the presents, MIL proudly says things like "Pink for a girl!", "Look, it's your favourite colour - pink!" (DD doesn't have a favourite colour, so this is indoctrination as its finest) or "I chose that pink one especially!"

As it's coming up to DD's second birthday, I feel I want to nip this in the bud, or it's going to be a childhood of pink plastic crap presents I would have preferred she hadn't bought. DH knows exactly where I'm coming from, but how do we broach this with her? We don't want to sound ungrateful, and she's not doing anything differently to the majority of people in this country. I fear that she's not going to understand our reasons behind it at all.

I have grappled with this a bit with my ILs and to be honest I've just let it go. The pink/blue thing annoys me intensely but I understand that the older generation are completely indoctrinated. At the same time, presents are a sensitive subject - criticising a present is quite rude and unnecessary - so the two things combined mean that I think it's not worth broaching. I have spoken to MIL a bit about the pink/blue thing without making any reference to her presents and I think she's sort of got the message. She asked me outright if it was ok to buy pink clothes for my baby girl who is due soon. I said yes because I know how much she's always wanted a girl (she had two boys) and for her buying pink is a huge thrill. Her feelings matter more than the principle in that instance, and I am impressed she asked.

On the plus side, my own mother bought my DS a pink cash register for Christmas. She did ask first if it was ok and of course I said yes, but I am pleased because I honestly would have thought she would never have bought him a "girly" present. I think my own attitude to these things has subtly come across to her in the last two years.

I openly challenge my FIL's ridiculous views but that's because he tries to humiliate DS for pushing a buggy and I absolutely won't have that.

Could you introduce the topic subtly and hope it sinks in?

In that situation I told MIL that DD had decided that she didn't like pink any more, and that orange and green were now the only colours she liked. It really worked!

Firstly I'd say get DH to do the talking (all my family think it's hilarious to give DD pink/girly stuff to wind me up ) - if it comes from him she will hopefully take more notice and she's his mum.
You don't have to get her to understand your reasons really just that you don't want her giving DD everything in pink. This is why it's best to get DH to talk to his mum, it's less likely to alienate her.
It's hard to find the words though. In the end with us (2 DSs then a DD) I had to get DH to speak to his mother and explain to his uncle that if she did keep buying pink clothing (three shades of pink with no other colour aleviate it!) it would be a waste of her money as it would go straight to the charity shop. She now sends book tokens :)

Good luck! I did everything gender neutral and my friends/family respected it. Dd1 still turned pink overnight and was/is in love with it. There was nothing I could do!

Could you request gender neutral in case you do on to have a further child in the future who turns out to be a boy - who naturally wouldn't dream of touching anything pink

Not confronting the issue, but perhaps a gentler way of getting what you want?

May I just say (in a non critical way) that not all the older generation think this way. I am very much the older generation (69) and have never bought into this pink for girls crap. My girls had all the colours of the rainbow as little ones and pink was merely a colour that took its place among all the rest.

The pink indoctrination started much later and I believe it is much more likely to be younger and middle aged women who are stuck on the pink schtick.

Not meaning to derail the thread at all - I just feel a little duty bound to stick up for us oldies sometimes as I often come across this 'older generation' thing on MN threads. T'aint necessarily so

Life's too short so just let it go , unless of course you're MIL looks after your DD every day in which case you may have to deal with it.

I wouldn't associate pink with grimbletarts generation, I thought its a recent thing.

Personally I've given up asking other people not to buy pink stuff for DD, they just moan at me, I ask for things like books instead where there is still lots of gender neutral stuff about. I just say I want to buy her clothes as I have to get her into them! Then the odd pink toy etc isn't an issue because everything else is other colours. Banning pink just invites rebellion!

autocorrect keeps changing pink to punk, I would quite like to dress my baby in punk clothes

On the one hand, I would just let it go, she isn't going to change and your influence over time will be much stronger. My girls have lots of pink (rarely bought by me, but we have also inherited lots of second hand pink stuff from friends) I am pretty hot on ther being toys of all types at home, but let go of the pink thing as it would have meant missing out on stuff we couldn't afford, especially bags and bags of good clothes.
It as actually had some interesting side affects.
when dd1 was about 6 we lived overseas and I was going on a trip, she asked me to bring her clothes that were NOT PINK, she specified BLUE only clothes.

when ds was 5 he started school, and wanted to ride a bike without stabilisers. There was one in our garage but it was pink. he taught himslef to ride it and then ran the gauntlet of the older boys at school who teased him for riding pink bike, he just grinned and said BUT LOOK - NO STABILISERS !! and the older boys shut up
So I think your influence will overcome MIL pink toys

On the other hand I really hate the pink brigade especially pink lego. So maybe anticipate it by telling her in all excitement how much dd LOVES green and it is her favourite colour and she really wants xxx in green.

and my mum aged 71 is horrified by the pink thing, she says in the 70's no-one dreamt of the gender stereotyping we have now. kids wore lots of primary colours, and I was dressed in navy most of the time.

Even if you buy nothing pink, at some point your DD will come home and say pink is for a girl, blue is for a boy. My DS is convinced of this although he has never heard it from family (indeed he owns a pink kitchen) but he has obviously picked it up either from the childminder or pre-school.

Do nip it in the bud if you can, nearly every gift my DD received for her 2nd birthday was pink gift in pink paper and it kicked off a 8 month (and counting...) obsession with pink. I haven't actually read the book Cinderella ate my daughter, but every time I read the title I think of my DD!

I don't think you'll manage to change your MIL's opinion, so perhaps try working with it? How about 'we'd prefer gender neutral toys that can be passed onto any future children/nephews etc that we may have' because, as she is probably aware, any boys exposed to pink are in real danger of catching The Gay. Hopefully she will be happy to work with you on this!

I think you need to have a good think about whether it's something you want to cause a fuss over. It's one person buying your DD pink things, surely you buy her enough that she's not surrounded by pink. You can cause a lot of upset with Grandparents over things that seem important at the time, but really aren't. I try to use the 'got run over tomorrow' measure - if DMIL got run over tomorrow, would you regret having upset her over this?

DD will almost certainly come home from nursery (or if you are very lucky) school being certain that pink is for girls and blue is for boys. Very few escape this. Sometimes it's long lived, sometimes it not. Some boys keep liking pink and so do some girls!

Just let DMIL and DD develop a lovely relationship and do what you can to support it - life's too short to sweat the pink stuff :)

Lots of small children do like pink (boys as well!) it's a colour that attracts them. It's a bit short sighted to say it's because they were given pink presents on their birthday.

Could you give MIL a specific item to buy. e.g. we want this specific box of mulitcouloured mega blocks.

I know how you fell. Fortunately my family get that I don't want pink princess crap.

I'm quite happy for my DD to have whatever toys she wants. She is very into dolls, I'm not forcing her to play with toy cars etc. However I hate the whole pink lego, pink keyboard etc. No reason to have pink versions of these toys at all.

Thanks for all the replies.

I definitely don't want to upset her over it - suggesting gender neutral stuff in case we have a boy in the future is a great idea.

It's not just the fact that the items are being bought, but the accompanying comments from MIL - "oh look, pink, your favoutite colour!" It just makes me cringe.

grimbletart I totally agree that not all the older generation think this way. My own mother completely gets the issue, and this could equally be a thread about a younger relative.

Start choosing a favourite non-pink colour for dd and mentioning it to MIL about 'isn't it funny how kids change their mind all the time - last week it was orange, this week green is the favourite colour, I expect next week it'll be blue but definitely not pink. We're making sure she's got a rainbow of toy colours to play with so there's always something that's her favourite colour!'

Also ask her what her favourite colour is - how old is she - old enough to remember when it was blue for girls and red/pink for boys? Probably not but maybe her mum or gmum was. Get into a discussion about how isn't it funny how society's perception of colour changes...

Mention our new campaign, Let Toys Be Toys (started right here not very long ago), or email her the petition www.change.org/en-GB/petitions/toy-retailers-in-uk-and-ireland-stop-promoting-toys-as-only-for-boys-or-only-for-girls-2

I had exactly the same problem with my Mum, told her straight but she never took any notice. I would at try and talk about why you think it's a bad idea, it doesn't have to be confrontational. 'Girls get bombarded with the Pink Princess message, a lot of people think it's bad for them and can see their point, because...., sort of thing. Seriously, mentioning the campaign and asking what she thinks of it might be a way to get into a fruitful conversation, you can find us on fb and twitter too. www.facebook.com/pages/Let-Toys-Be-Toys-For-Girls-and-Boys/104658933034521

Darn, petition and facebook links redone.

People are so emotionally invested in gender-policing that you can't actually tackle this without offending IMO. All the gender police go apeshit when you suggest that the sky won't fall if they buy a different colour for a girl than pink. They get completely irrational and offended by it, while claiming that it's you who are making the big deal about it.

You Can't Win.

Sorry to be a wet blanket.

If it's any comfort my DD (10) who had loads of princessy pink tat when she was little and everything had to be pink, now despises it to the extent that I have to remind her it's just a colour, quite a nice one and not inherently evil.

The pink indoctrination started much later and I believe it is much more likely to be younger and middle aged women who are stuck on the pink schtick.

I agree totally grimble, I don't even remember this shit growing up at all myself. And I am only just turning 30.

I would just be honest with your MIL about how you prefer your daughter to have lots of different toys. If she insists on getting her pink -tat- just exchange or the same in a neutral colour.

Grimble - my pink aversion cones from 70 year old dm who wages war against pink.....then caved in and bought dd a fairy castle

I would just smile and accept it gratefully, I do not get teh pink stinks campaign at all.

It is just a colour.

They grow out of it around age 6.

Pink tat is no worse than blue tat, tat is tat.

Sorry if that is not helpful...

I don't really think it's a massive deal TBH. If it's one person doing all the pink stuff, then presumably she has plenty of non-pink toys to provide a contrast.

Just be happy she cares about your DD enough to buy her presents :) And if you have a boy in the future, he can still play with the pink stuff, he won't care! Perhaps that might open her eyes a bit

I had this a bit when DS was newborn and everyone insisted on buying me little blue clothes for him. I wouldn't have chosen them myself but I was thankful that they'd thought of DS, I just put them on him with something brighter, or kept the clothes I'd chosen for different days.