Choosing to never again have a relationship with a man?

[MissJayTea]

I'm rapidly approaching 40 and have had two failed marriages and several children.
I feel like I've almost had a revelation because I've realised I just don't ever want to be with a man again. Im not gay though so do I spend my life alone? I can't get my head around my thoughts and feelings.
I feel so strongly about the way women are treated by our male dominated society I feel like even a man who disagrees with the way women are treated is part of the problem.
Can anyone make sense of this for me please?

I understand your feelings, mine are very similar although I am married, we have discussed separating and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to get involved in a relationship again either. Have you thought about communal living as a way of life? There's a website called Diggers and Dreamers which has a lot of contacts on it for communal living.

I have similar thoughts about they way women are treated in society and the fact that acknowledging this makes it harder to find or sustain a heterosexual relationship. I simply don't believe there are many men who think in a feminist way or who fully understand the issues.

My view is also coloured by the fact that I'm in my mid 30s and have never had a relationship that wasn't off balance in some way; I've never been involved with anyone on equal terms and have had some pretty bad experiences. This is an individual thing though, I guess, although something similar happened to my mum: she had an abusive marriage and when it ended she just gave up altogether and has never been involved with anyone since.

As for living the rest of your life 'alone', it depends whether you will be satisfied with your other relationships (friends and children) taking the place of marriage/a LTR.

I for one often fantasise about being independent, living alone, pursuing all my own interests, constructing a life exactly the way I want it without any need for compromise. I've come to terms with not getting married or having any more kids although I do get pangs of jealousy wrt those secure in happy nuclear family units. I know ultimately I could survive without that, though.

Yes, I fell very similarly too.
I might not feel that way for ever, but I might... and I'm OK with that.

Sometimes I think it would make life easier to have 'someone there' - but mostly I really value being on my own.

I was tempted to say, 'well, you know, MJT, you might not always feel like that, perhaps you need time on your own, blah blah...' but that sort of supposes that we're all somehow better off if really we want to be with someone. Which is bollocks.

I think that really monogomous relationships are so popular because they make life easy for people in some very obvious material and social ways. I don't they're 'necessary' in any other way and I think the suggestion that they are is dishonest.

Absolutely YY to your last paragraph LastMango.

LastMango - "I think that really monogomous relationships are so popular because they make life easy for people in some very obvious material and social ways. I don't they're 'necessary' in any other way and I think the suggestion that they are is dishonest."

I understand what you're saying here but I think you're overstating it. I do think women in particular are made to feel that grabbing a man and keeping him is essential, to the extent that a shocking number of women seem to be willing to put up with anything ranging from low-level shitness to all-out abuse in order to be in a relationship. That said, I do think humans have a natural need for companionship, for someone to share worries and life decisions. I do think we are naturally drawn to forming strong bonds with others, and that tends to happen with the opposite sex due to sexual attraction and the tendency to join lives in relationships. It's harder for friends to achieve that level of intimacy. Sometimes just having someone you can turn to and smile when an injoke comes up is enough - someone that you can feel understands you and knows where you come from. Finding that though is very hard, and I don't think people are picky enough (despite the idea that seems to be around at the moment that women, in particular, are "too picky.") A relationship should genuinely enrich your life in a meaningful way, otherwise it's just not worth it.

Women and men have always chosen to live alone. Isn't it one in 5 or perhaps more and after WWI there were masses of women who never married as a generation of men had been killed. Even in the 1500s women wanting to avoid the burdens of children and marriage had the route of joining all female convents. I think it has often been some women's choice, but not all or most. My happiness is not determined by whether or not I am in a relationship so either way is fine with me. I would never have married a sexist man and had an equal marriage perhaps helped by ultimately earning 10x what he did.

I can see the point in not actively seeking a life partner, however if you happen to meet someone (of whatever sex or gender) and fall in love, it'd be silly not to live it, just because of some kind of promise you made yourself.

You speak sense, Widow. Unless one had taken some kind of a self-denying vow of solitude, that would indeed be very strange.