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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Work-related issue

18 replies

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 11:16

Just want to let off steam, really.

I am a company director in a male industry and frequently the only woman at senior meetings. I am also a new addition to this team, I think it's turned some of their worlds upside down. (Good.)

Anyway, the thing that always gets to me is whenever I'm at one of these meetings (held overseas for up to a week) I am often asked "Who's looking after your children while you're away"? Er, their dad? Same as when he needs to go away (work or private trips).

It just annoys the hell out of me because they never say this to a male colleague, it would just be assumed that the other parent (ie mum) is doing this.

What's a suitable reply to this question?

Who also comes across this?

OP posts:

Lovemy3kids · 03/09/2012 11:22

This would annoy me too......i'd tell them that they were locked in the cupboard under the stairs for the week as you couldn't get anyone to look after them.....then watch their faces!

Why don't you answer the question with the same question and say 'who's looking after your children'!

Original poster

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 11:32

Ha ha, I love both answers but hard not to look petulant when saying them isn't it.

I have no problems giving that answer to my staff but they know better than to ask :-)

OP posts:

grimbletart · 03/09/2012 11:45

That happened to me a couple of times many years ago. I used to say that I put a mattress on the kitchen floor and chained them to the breakfast bar so they could just reach the fridge.

Then on seeing their faces I would say "Am I doing something wrong?"

Worked a dream.

PigletJohn · 03/09/2012 12:03

"that's an interesting question, are you a parent too?"

MrsClown1 · 03/09/2012 12:15

The dog

vezzie · 03/09/2012 12:53

I like Piglet's suggestion - anything that turns it back on them, but said in a really smiley way.

"Oh, there are so many different ways of managing childcare, aren't there. What do you do?"

If you were feeling particularly PA you might turn it around into somehow apparently believing that the person is asking for advice. Looking very sympathetic and saying, "do you have childcare issues? Is it a big worry for you at the moment? What you could do is...."

HazleNutt · 03/09/2012 12:54

"Same as in your case I would guess, the other parent."

Original poster

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 13:06

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by this attitude, an email recently went round our company from the top management to say that they are aiming to get the number of women in senior roles up to 15% by the year 2013...

OP posts:

HazleNutt · 03/09/2012 13:10

A male colleague was "wondering" that oh, isn't female colleague back early, she has a 6-month old baby.
He himself had a 2-week old. Apparently that's "different".

Original poster

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 13:31

Difference being he has a wife, she probably doesn't...

OP posts:

HazleNutt · 03/09/2012 13:52

Yes. Her baby was home with a parent as well, a SAHD. But that of course does not matter, still a poor abandoned baby and why do some people have kids anyway if they don't want to take care of them, tsk tsk..

Original poster

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 15:36

You're spot on, Hazle, it's all the fault of these bloody career mums!

I'm not saying that women shouldn't be allowed to work per se, but it shouldn't get in the way of the husbands and the children!

OP posts:

TheDoctrineofEnnis · 04/09/2012 01:10

OP can you simply look puzzled and say "the nanny/childminder" or your normal daycare option? Then if they ask for clarification re the evenings, "ah yes, DH of course is parenting then ."

sashh · 04/09/2012 10:55

Answer

"I know exactly is looking after my children. Do you know who's looking after yours?"

Dozer · 07/09/2012 18:40

I like piglet's as it's subtle.

TeiTetua · 07/09/2012 18:59

I'm always in favour of a way to defend yourself in a situation like this without making it a putdown of the other person. You never know when you'll need an ally, or at least not an enemy. So I'd go for something like "My husband and I both have to travel a fair bit, so the kids are used to having one or other of us out of the house."

Suggesting that you're in a relationship where your partner really is a partner, and where you both have serious outside jobs (like this one!) and your kids are growing up to be intelligent and well-behaved. Well, that's what the colleague is meant to come away thinking.

kickassangel · 08/09/2012 16:36

In Hazle's example, I could understand if it was concern for the mother, who probably feels OK 6 months after birth but may still be recovering, but it sounds more like the 'poor abandoned baby' scenario.

I have the opposite - that I have to remind one person in particular that I need to set up childcare before he ropes me in for extra things. dd goes to the same school that I teach at, so it IS me who has to sort things out. Because his wife does all the childcare, he just assumes the rest of us have a wife at home to take care of the kids. Wouldn't it be great if ALL parents were given consideration for family when extra is asked of them?

I like Tei's suggestion, btw, but tend to go with 'locked in the basement' when asked these kind of questions.

godluvsatryer · 12/09/2012 20:37

I was just thinking maybe you shouldn't give your staff an answer that you're not happy to give to other colleagues? I like TeiTetua's approach though.

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