being `mum and dad'..

[avenueone]

OK - I know they mean well. But as a single Mum I do feel a bit offended when people tell me I have to be `mum and dad' - I see parents as parents and not providing separate roles. Ok I can't show my DS how to stand up and pee - (a good friend let him watch once and he did it the next day and so forth) I think my DS benefits from having a none gender specific upbringing ... nothing is for just for girls or boys.. (ok well maybe the standing up and peeing and sex stuff) but I can talk about all aspects and know about all aspects.
I feel the same when the lone parent is male...
am I wrong?

I think maybe when you're in a "mum and dad" relationship each party does tend to traditionally bring specific roles to parenting. So, I do tend to do more of the cooking, cleaning, cuddling, kissing better, playing craft etc and my DH does tend to do more of the bins out, logs in, playing chase type parenting (although he also bakes a mean melting moment and tends to cook more than me at the weekend)

But if either of us were on our own, I'm sure we would have to do both, and would just adapt.

I think if it were two women or two men raising a child there would probably be an automatic division of labour roles as well, along the lines of the things they do best.

If you're a single parent, you just have to be able to turn your hand to everything I suppose.

I think people just mean you have to do twice the work, and traditionally that has been split up between a mum and a dad. People are just trying to be nice although with somethings you do tend to get parent of a specific gender (sex ed, shaving, tying a tie) doing the teaching

• being nice by acknowledging the work you do

I know what you mean avenue, people say this to me too and I do find it quite because really, I can only ever parent as myself - exactly as I would (and did) parent when in a relationship.

I struggle with a lot of the rhetoric surrounding single parenthood tbh, there are obviously a lot of negative opinions around it which obviously I disagree with, but I also dislike the "single parents are heroes" stuff too tbh because that doesn't feel like it's describing me or my life at all.

It's just a way of attacking single mums.

Single dads get sympathy.

Margerykemp Wed 29-Aug-12 10:56:15
It's just a way of attacking single mums.

What? I've been asked am I "mummy and daddy" when I had DS and DD with me, and I explained I was separated.

Single dads get sympathy.

Not always by a very long chalk; unless perhaps you are a widower.

IME single dad's get virtual halos. But that's just my experience.

Does however show we still have quite a long way to go.

Totally agree with the OP. None of these things have to be specific to 1 sex, xcept for the standing up to pee bit of course. And it is devaluing and sexist. They are basically saying you have to take on a man's "role".

Incidentally, there has been lots of research on lesbian parents, and it has shown that in general, they do not split duties along traditional male and female roles. So this is unique to male and female couples.

of course I meant the counter argument being equally invalid

Yes because they wont meet any positive male role models if they are brought up by women will they? ^^

I too have used this phrase as a shorthand for meaning doing the work of two people.

As a SAHM my DH and I have stereotypical gender roles. However, as we are in our 40's and have been together for over 20 years, we view our relationship as a partnership, as he was first and foremost my best friend before we got together at university. He is a balance and support to me and I think it would be a lot harder/ more stressful to do if I was the only one in our household. There would not be a chance to switch off and have someone else check what was the matter with a crying DC in the early hours.

Referring to your point about a non gender specific role, it is very difficult to achieve. However I make sure that I talk to my 5 yo daughter about my education, degree, previous job in Property Investment etc AND how much I love being her mother. I tell her she can be whoever she wants to be. I hope not to limit her ambition, just because I have chosen to look after her and her brother. They also have good role models within our family as most of the women work, all have degrees and careers and some have academic titles such as Dr and Professor.

Congratulations hopkins.

You managed to insult single parents, women, children who were raised by single parents (such as myself) and you threw a little homophobia in!

Honestly, I'm impressed you were able to fit that much judgement into one post.

I'm assuming you have children? Because you would have no right to make that post if you didn't. And I assume you and your DH are the perfect parents?

I hope none of your children turn out to be gay or lesbian..Then they couldn't be parents as your grandkids would suffer from their very existence, right?

At the end of the day, primarily kids just need to feel loved, and I feel pretty much all of the ones that are turn out OK, EVEN if they do not have the 'correct' gender balance in the household (heaven forbid!!!)

I think you are more likely to get this phrase if you are a single mother to boys than to girls, or if your boys outnumber your girls.

I have not heard it even though I am a single mother to five, four girls and one boy. OTOH, a mother of three boys that I know hears it all the time. When she was married she heard a lot of, "There's a special place in heaven for the mother of three boys", and the like.

As a single mum of one DS I certainly feel this. I've lost count of the number of times people have offered me unsolicited advice ranging from a well-meaning friend saying "a son really needs a father figure" to a complete stranger saying "I feel sorry for your son - all that oestrogen"!!!

The most blatant however was on a tube platform when I was trying to keep DS from this guy who seemed kind of drunk (as well as away from the platform edge). The kind-of-drunk guy gave me a lecture about how I needed to let DS be "free". "He is a boy. He needs freedom to be a man"!! Would he have said this to a man, who might have bopped him on the nose? I really don't think so.

It amazes me how people feel they have the right to comment, but they really do. It is such that when I tell people that I get to telling new people that I am single mum of DS I will always mention my dad as a big male influence so divert any well-meaning advice/criticism.

Luckily though I don't pay attention to that crap any more because I know that I have the last laugh; DS is just lovely, polite, thoughtful and a joy to be around.