how do you change the way you think?

[addictedisback]

how do you change the way you think and the thoughts you were brought up with?

when I joined mumsnet (many name changes and a flounce ago) I looked at the feminsim section and thought it was a load of rubbish (I'm being very honest here, please dont flame me )

but since having my dd's (2 years and 6 months) my thinking on feminism is changing. and I'm starting to realise this world is very biased and i dont really want my girls growing up with that.

there is one thing I struggle with and its the way I think. for example, the other day I learnt that my friend has a motorbike, and my first thought, although not actually spoken was 'really!? but shes female! Why would a woman want to ride a motorbike?'

Obviously it doesnt matter that shes female, but how do i begin to change the way i think and the attitudes I have been bought up with?

Hmmm, I'd like to know the answer to this one too - although not specifically the same thoughts.

Could you explain a bit more about what was behind this thought (or other thoughts you've had)? Was it that you don't know any women with motorbikes? Is it that your subconcious ideas of what women and motorcyclists are like kind of clash with each other? Or some other reason altogether?

I think its partly to do with my upbringing. although my mum disagrees with the 1950's view of women, she still has very set views on what women should and shouldnt do, I used to want a moped and my mum was horrified at the thought as its not 'lady like'.

I guess these views, although not shared by me, have stuck and have shaped the way i think.

I guess its about challaging my own thoughts as well as other peoples?

I know I do not want my girls thinking that they cant do things or be things because they are women, a message that was, quite subtly drummed in to me.

That's interesting addi, so actually you've always known the answer to "why would a woman want a motorbike?" since you yourself wanted a moped. Presumably you had some reasons for wanting a moped, and yet your mind still asked that question.

Did you think the question in a judgey way, or in a confused not-understanding-her way? (Don't worry if it's the first, it's not your fault what your spontaneous thoughts are.)

Perhaps the question actually meant "Why is she ignoring the important social norms of ladylikeness?" or maybe "Why would she want to risk being seen as unladylike?"/

Correct me if I'm off the mark here.

Helloooo!

You can change your thinking by challenging your thinking - getting into the habit of doing it. Sometimes it will be obvious to you straight away but other times you might need to scribble something down and come back to it later. After a while the gap between the thought and the challenge will get shorter,

For example, I am still surprised when I hear a female pilot over the plane's intercom. The surprise passes very quickly. When I hear someone stating a rape myth, I have to run a mental scan on it but posting and lurking on here has made it more automatic and habitual,

Hope that helps.

I think you're already starting to do it, addicted. Being able to observe your own thoughts is the first step, imo.

You didn't speak that thought, that's what counts - you self-censored and if you do that enough eventually you won't even think it.

Every time you think "women should do x" or "women shouldn't do y" make sure you ask yourself why the hell they should or should not.

OP, you're being very honest which is a start. What amazes me that even though I'm a feminist I still doubt women's abilities and am plagued by the "stereotype threat" that Cordelia Fine writes about.

Years ago, I had a similar experience to the one upthread of hearing a female voice over the plane intercom. For a split second I thought she was a pilot and was disgusted to realise that my immediate feeling had been one of fear. It was then that I knew I'd been away for feminism for too long. The longer you spend receiving images of male competence and female incompetence...

I used to hold pretty bad rape myths too passed on by the casual sexism of my elders but the more you think, the more you critique your feelings and the more you listen to feminism the more you open your mind.

i think mumsnet and this section is making me challange the way i think, also my theripist is helping to challange how i was bought up.

unfortunatly dh had a similar upbringing to me and still very much holds some of these views. its one thing weve started arguing more and more on.

i want to turn my small business into a type of bakery, he says that he works full time so we wouldnt be able to do it, I say no I want to do it, he says I wouldnt beable to do it . this could be make or break for us to be honest.

anyway i'm rambling and venting now!

Addicted, do you want to talk about the bakery and combining careers for both parents? Happy to dO so!

We just had another argument this morning as he left for work so I'm still realing!

He just cant seem to get his head around the fact that I would want to do anything other than look after the girls all day. I love them, I really do, but I just feel that I dont do anything for me.

We've both been bought up in a church who believe that the little lady should stay home and take care of the husband and children, and I dont want that. I've never wanted that, but hes always said I'd feel diffrently once I've had children (i dont!). the church teaches that men are the 'head' of the household, both dh and I believe we have equal roles but most people at church think i need 'putting in my place'

i love dh, but i just swant to break free sometimes!

its my fault tho as i'm the one who is questioning everything we've been bought up believing, I'm the one who is qwuestioning the church and i'm the one who wants to take my girls away from this life. dh and I just need to have an honest conversation about wheather thats together or apart.

Ah, there is a church complication.

What does your small business do at the moment and do your DDs get looked after by anyone else whilst you do it? (as always if you feel any specific answers would out you, just ignore the question!)

This is a really interesting question OP.

I've recently wondered how I can tackle my 'over-optimistic' bias. It's like my dial is set on an 'oh, it will all be fine' setting - and obviously sometimes it is fine - but other times I wish I would just bloody listen to the warning voices in my head. I want to find a happier medium. Any suggestions from MNetters much appreciated.

In respect to you, I would suggest that you write down your core values - your absolutes, what you live by. Not the Church's or your DH's, but what you feel is true to your morality. Those values aside, I would work on removing the word 'should' from your vocabulary. This is a standard technique in CBT. Challenge yourself every time you hear it in your mind as a judgement on what you or anyone else does or thinks.

i.e. women shouldn't ride motorbikes
becomes
why shouldn't women ride motorbikes?

Or

My husband should support me setting up a bakery
becomes
It would be nice if my husband supported me in setting up a bakery, but we won't always agree on things.

Don't know if that's any help OP. But I agree with the others that challenging and catching yourself in your prejudices is the first and major step along the way.

Reading with great interest, and marking place. I feel similarly to you, Addicted. Hello, btw!

Hello addict - welcome.

When I met my second DH he was not a man who had feminist ideas. However, everytime something sexist was mentioned when we were out I questioned why he thought it was ok. He soon started questioning himself which has helped him come to terms with being married to a feminist. Just carry on doing what you are doing and question the status quo. Im not saying there is always an answer though.

Addicted, the bible certainly does not advocate different roles for men and women. in fact in the story of Mary and Martha, Martha was following the female role of preparing the dinner, whilst Mary was taking on the masculine role of studying at the feet of Jesus. When Martha complained about Mary not doing what good women should be doing, Jesus corrected Martha and said that Mary had chosen the better way.

Also there is a lot of debate over the meaning of the greek word 'kephale' which in english is translated 'head', many theologians believe that this word w would be better translated as source, like the source of a river. However even if the word head does donate 'authority' the bible is quite clear that biblical authority is the authority to serve not the authority to lead or lord it over someone else.