Is this the right place to post? need to avoid rape myths.

[NonRadFemMumOfGirls]

This is going to be long in order to add all the details necessary.

Dd is 15. She's been sexually active since 14, she has attachments issues that means that she attaches herself to strongly to her boyfriends and makes it very difficult for her to detach when the relationship ends.

Boyfriend number 2 raped her. It was after she started going out with boyfriend 3 (current partner). It was violent and alcohol was involved. I won't say that he got her drunk because it takes the drinker to drink.

It took her 4 months to tell me what had happened, somehow I hadn't figured it out by timelines and her behaviour at the time But I know now. She told a lot of lies to cover up what had happened at the time which caused confusion and distrust, there has been a lot of confusion and distrust over the last couple of years which is why the flags didn't fly at the time.

There will be no going to the police:

1: No physical evidence. Far too late for that.
2: She (dd1) has serious mental health issues (depression, suicidal at times), she isn't strong enough psychologically.
3: His family are nasty. Several family members already have prison records for drugs and violence offences.
4: Bringing shit on this family would almost certainly drive us out of town, our home of 25 years. We have another child to consider, schooling, lifetime friends, jobs, security.
4: His dad has money. He earns a lot of money and lives in cheap housing. Buys a new car every month or so without bothering to sell one sitting on the drive, spends thousands on kids birthdays. We have nothing like that kind of money.

That's why we're not going to the police, despite it going against every grain in my body, and not what I would advise any friend of mine.

This is, of course, not including the emotional side of the fallout. I am a rape victim myself in similar circumstances. You live, you learn to live with it, you survive and get on with it because the alternative is a whole shower of shit.

I see dd doing exactly the same thing but it feels wrong that I'm doing nothing, I gave her options when she first told me, she didn't want to tell the police.

I had a while of wanting to go round and bash his stupid little fucking head in but decided that his brother (the prison experienced drug dealer) was probably bigger and more violent than me. I have spent many an hour wanting to send him threats online, but I don't want any electronic evidence to show.

Dh is the problem now. He still wants to cave his face in. He still thinks a prison sentence would be worth it. He is a respectable bloke, a gentle man, a nice man with no record of any kind. I sort of understand, he wants to protect his daughter which is a base instinct, isn't it?

He's known for about a week now. I had to tell him (and dd1 knows that he knows) because I couldn't cope on my own with the information.

It just bloody sucks. If it were anyone else I would advise that they went to the police, IMMEDIATELY. But the end result on our family could be catastrophic, and because of the lies and subterfuge told by dd1 in the past I can't 100% trust what she's told me, and I can't risk everything we have on her word.

I was raped by a dickhead at 15. I hid it from my mum for ages and when she found out she immediately rang the police.

He got off with it as apparently witness statements from many people including the dickheads best mate saying he had bragged about it and the fact they said they believed he did it wasn't enough evidence.

I went through months of shit for nothing.I still see the prick now and again. I'd love nothing more then kicking his head in but I won't and my family have been told not too as I will not sink to his level.

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. I don't blame you for not going to the police because I wish that I never did.

You are going to get flamed, you dont sound like you 100% believe her yourself tbh

Regardless you need to get her to some counselling, many teenagers, the last person they want to discuss rape with is their mum, but she may open up to someone neutral and it wouldnt have to mean police (although she is under age?? perhaps someone knows more than me)

Its vital she thinks you believe her.

DH needs to understand if he ends up in prison, with all the financial implications alongside DD not having her dad, the real person who is punished is DD, she would be punished for being a rape victim, he wouldnt be helping her, he would be making things worse.

Rape aside, she is very sexually active for a young girl, I assume she is getting help for her additional needs, if not you need to look into that too.

Lastly I am very sorry that this happened, both to you and your daughter, I am sure it has triggered many memories for you x

Im sorry, I know you are going through a hard time but your post doesnt sit well with me.

Is your DD getting help with her MH issues?

No matter what my DD had done in the past, if she had told me this I would do whatever I had to. From your post it sounds like you are putting your life and your other child above your distressed teenager. I do not know the ins and outs but this saddens me greatly.

I was raped when I was 15 and I never told my parents due to fearing the exact reaction you are having.

She should not have to put up with it so as not to shit stir. She is your baby and she needs you. Please help her. Please.

I don't think you sound as if you doubt your DD.
I do think you or she should get in touch with Rape Crisis.

I know that's very basic advice, but if you're going to do something the sooner you get on with it the better. Rape Crisis should be able to give you best advice about reporting, counselling, MH etc.

Basic, I know, but I think that's your best course of action and should be done ASAP.

My DSD was raped when she was 15. She did go straight to the police (before she told us about it). He had previous and had actually raped another girl on the same night and she also went to the police, he got a long sentence. The court case was bloody horrific, it's not something you could go through lightly. And this was almost a pretty sure thing that he was going down as he was on remand for a previous rape when he did it.

DSD changed over night. I "knew" something was wrong but didn't exactly know what, but at one point I did come right and ask if she had been raped. She told me to just please don't. So I left it, she confided in another relative who then told me.

It's been hard (it's been 4 years now). She has had alcohol problems because of it, and if I'm being honest it has changed the course of her future. She is a very bright, intelligent girl who got all A and B grades in her GCSEs ( although how she did that just proves how intelligent she is, as she had an absolutely horrific year that year and was hardly in school). She did start her A Levels, but pretty much just stopped going to sixth form because she was out getting pissed every night and sleeping it off all day the next day. She used to disappear for days on end. All her friends went to uni, and I know she'd be in uni too now if it wasn't for what that twat did to her.

It's only since meeting her boyfriend almost 2 years ago that she has slowly started to settle down, she works full time now, passed her driving test earlier this year and is very grown up and responsible now. But even now she has "episodes" were she will get so drunk she can't walk and she'll disappear. But a credit to her boyfriend he goes out looking for her and always brings her home. She also will have a "meltdown" every now and then too.

It's hard being on the other side were you want to help her, take all the pain away, make it so it never happened. But at the same time you're also really angry at her for doing it to herself and putting us through hell not knowing if she's dead or alive. The only advice I can give is to just be there for her, all the time, no matter what she does, let her know how much you love her, that's she'll always be your little girl, that you'll always support her no matter what. Be her punching bag no matter how hard it is for you, (and it's fucking hard, so many times I've wanted to scream at her because of the effect she's having on her younger sisters).

I'm so sorry this has happened to her, and so sorry for what you and your DH are going through too. If you can get her some counselling please do, my DSD has always refused it, and I still think she'd benefit from it, but she won't go. Have some very unMN (((hugs)))

I'm sorry I can't add anything to those posts above, the only thing I can recomend is counselling for your family.

stacee I'm so sorry - I have to ask - have you been for counselling yourself - my beloved DC refuses help too - but I have been seeing a therapist at at centre to deal with my issues and just because I simply couldn't cope with the anger and rage being thrown at me.

It's been brilliant and we are beginning to be a family again. I do shout at the DC and act like normal - the therapist said - that understanding why dc behaves as they do - doesn't mean having to accept it.

Don't mean to lecture you - just trying to help.

If your daughter was raped then you must go to the police. Even though it is a long time ago and there is no physical evidence, you may find that others have also been raped by the same man and reported it, which will help to build a case or at least alert the police to this man's potential for violence against women. If you don't go to the police, you are implying to your daughter that there is a shred of doubt in your mind. If there is a shred of doubt in your mind, then you need to be honest with yourself and question why that is. It could be because of concerns over how sexually active your daughter is at her age, how much she is drinking at her age, the kind of people she is socialising with, how her mental health issues are being addressed etc etc. Once you have identified what these concerns are it would be more appropriate to see if you can help your daughter by addressing how you all feel about these issues. I think this would be more supportive for your daughter and a more pro-active appraoch than you and your husband getting upset/angry (understandably) and considering violence/ revenge.

I am so sorry this all happened. It is difficult to fathom why rape is so life changing for a teen but there is no doubt that it is.

I feel for you. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. Whilst going to the police seems good for society (as a previous poster said, this guy may have done it before), it might not be the best thing for YOUR daughter and your family; and your first duty is to her. I agree about going to Rape Crisis or a Haven centre. They will let DD talk about options. They don't put pressure on to report but they may take statements etc and will help her access counselling.

A wise friend of mine once suggested that there should be some kind of database where people can confidentially name men who have raped them without the need for evidence/ criminal proceedings/ action and that the list would be kept completely secret except from the computer. If the same man's name came up regularly, then the computer would alert police to the name together with the women's contact details (if they chose to leave them) and the police could then contact the women who reported him and see if a case could be built together. I reckon that might work.....

You don't sound to me as if you are doubting your DD. Why would you?

Staceejax you seem like a great Mum (step or otherwise).

Very last thought: do you know why your DD has attachment issues? This might make her vulnerable in the future too and is perhaps something to address (speaking from experience).

I do hope things get better soon.

because of the lies and subterfuge told by dd1 in the past I can't 100% trust what she's told me, and I can't risk everything we have on her word

So because you consider your daughter to be untrustworthy you'd rather do nothing and protect everyone else except her?

I think people saying she is choosing not to protect her daughter are out of line,

The points she made are valid, plus the idea of a young girl who has been active since 14 years old, would be ripped to shreds in court and especially if his dad has money.
She would come out looking awful and as much as people may not want to hear that its the state of the justice system at present.
If she is vulnerable the OP may feeling she is throwing he to the wolves if she goes down this route.

My issue was not with the court system lastnerve, it was with that poor girl's own mother being doubtful about whether she's telling the truth.

The OP states quite matter of factly: "She's been sexually active since 14, she has attachments issues that means that she attaches herself to strongly to her boyfriends and makes it very difficult for her to detach when the relationship ends."
How could you know these things about your own daughter and not do something about it?

My issue was not with the court system lastnerve, it was with that poor girl's own mother being doubtful about whether she's telling the truth.

If someone has lied in the past it is human nature to be doubtful, to give blind trust would be daft. as long as she is being as supportive as she can that is all she can really do.

Maybe she is receiving some help?

My issue isnt with the reluctance to go to the police either.

The OP reads to me like this woman does not believe her DD was raped.

Her DD has been sexually active since 14 and was drunk at the time of the attack. Neither of these things excuse the fact that she was raped. But the OP adds them in in a way which makes me feel the OP is blaming her daughters actions and MH issues.

The OP then goes on to admit she doesnt believe her.

There is a lot about why they arent going to the police and how as parents they are livid. But no mention of how this poor girl is right now, what they intend to do etc.

The OPs answer seems to be that her DD should just get over it because thats what she had to do. This is so wrong. Why would anyone want their own daughter going through the same thing she had?

And the title "want to avoid rape myths". WTAF? What have rape myths got to do with the fact that her teenage daughter is clearly struggling and needs help?

The OP doesn't indicate any help is being given, she just states that trying to seek a prosecution would be difficult. As if it's easy for anyone.

In my own experience and in the experience of others I have talked to, being raped is horrific, but being disbelieved by people who should love you and support you is, in many ways, worse.

Actually having seen what we have been through - I don't think if something happened to me personally I'd report - but the DD here needs help - I wouldn't report - I doubt the CPS would charge but I'm no expert.

I'd still seek appropriate help though - we do have to take into account though not all teenagers are willing to acres support and the OP can't make DD.

mysteriouslady thanks for asking. I'm on the waiting list with my GP for counselling (very long waiting list) can't afford to go private. I've been trying to convince DH to also get on the waiting list, but he refuses too, (stubbornness seems to run him and all 3 kids). I know he would benefit from it, he's found it very very hard. The family live locally and the twat's brother (who was an accomplice) has harassed DSD on and off over the last 4 years. I know he really wants to go and smash his face in, it takes all his resolve not too, and he's not a violent man.

I am having help from the local crisis centre - they offered to help when I rang then on my knees - that may be another avenue you could explore.

Re the wanting to smash faces - it's instinctive - I have coped by remembering my other DCs need me and me being in prison wouldn't help them - also I don't want to reduce myself to the level of the abuser.

If they make us like them - they win - they don't deserve that much power over our lives and those of our children.

I held so much rage - I couldn't even really love my own children - so I learned to let go of it - with help.

If you and your husband and children still have each other - you have held onto so much - these things often tear people apart if not physically - emotionally.

Sorry if that sounds like a lecture - it's not meant to be.

I'm so sorry that I didn't come back immediately. I was a bit freaked out that I posted about this and went into hibernation mode, understandably I think? but I want to address some of the issues.

I believe her 100% for starters. I wouldn't have posted here if I didn't. I have seen texts where he admits it. I BELIEVE HER.

We do, however, have a history of lies and deceipt. I don't have much else to say about this. She's a teenager. I BELIEVE HER. But thanks for your input, mysterious lady.

Yes, she's getting help with her MH issues. We have been under CAMHS for two years. We've had family therapy, and she's about to embark on some individual therapy which will hopefully address some of her issues.

I have contacted rape crisis, I think it was probably the morning after I posted this OP. They were brilliant, but I didn't get the response I wanted (that it would all be ok). Because it won't be all ok.

Do I know why my daughter has attachment issues? Yes. I know. It's a big old elephant in the room that no-one has ever dared address.

Finally, if you had spent an entire decade being lied to, would you believe what you were told, first time round? Think about it. It's not a big deal, but still BELIEVE HER.

I think its wrong to be hard on you for having a small bit of doubt its human nature, you are clearly doing all you can.

It not as if you are sat back saying 'Its not my problem'. the fact you have posted here shows you care immensely .

Maybe you should try and address that elephant in the room though? just thinking if its not addressed she will just continue unhealthy relationship patterns.

I missed this - it's very hard with teenagers - once they are gillick competent they are entitled to medical/MH care without any parental input.

They can attend/not attend at their own will.

All you can really do is try to get yourself to a place where you personally are strong enough to support her emotionally.

It will be OK with the right help - life will be different - a new normality will take place - the murderous rage you feel now will pass - you and dh have to learn to let it go for the sale of yourselves, for DD and for your other children.

I know it sounds absolutely trite - but time does help heal the wounds - I won't say as a parent of a victim the pain goes away - but your learn to manage it, live with it and eventually find happiness.

I'm not "there" yet - but when I look back 6 months - I can't believe how together I am compared to where I was. I too was triggered by my Childs experience.

If you want to chat just pm me. Lots of people held my hand through the blackest of times - it was a great help.

You and your family will pull through this - even if it doesn't seem so at the moment (from someone who was driven to the darkest edge in similar circumstances).

NonRadFem, it won't ever be ok but it'll be better though, especially if she keeps being in counselling. She'll have nightmares, bad memories, depression, moments when you believe world is going to end that exact moment... but she'll survive.

Remember, the most important step is going from victim to survivor. I made it, she'll make it too. Believe her, believe her, stand by her side. Good you call Rape Crisis, they're great people. Keep phoning them. Also try to ring Victim Support, it's also for rape and abuse survivors' relatives and families.

What rape survivors need is an endless need for validation and whatever lies she said in the past, don't leave her alone in that.

Concerning the police report, I fully support your choice. I reported my ex bf for DV and rape and the psychological damages I received from that report nearly equal what I had to stand from my ex and believe me the list of abuses was very long. I lived in fear for months because they wanted to prosecute me, it nearly destroyed my life. You daughter is very young, don't put her under useless pressure.

Ignore people who say everything will stay on that man's record etc etc. If you get no conviction out of it (and you've 1% rate of succeeding if the rape is historical) everything gets dismissed. Through collaboration with various rape centres I had to find out that there are men out of there with 10 rape allegations and no convictions yet.
Waste of time.