Dealing with rape - does it ever get easier?

[itsthequietones]

Sorry for posting here, support doesn't seem to get many views.

Briefly, my boyfriend raped me when I was 21 (split up many years ago). I blocked it out and haven't dealt with it at all until very recently. I've been seeing a counsellor for a few weeks and it's been easier.

Now I'm away for 5 weeks so can't see her and I'm beginning to struggle. I was involved in a heated discussion at the weekend about lap dancing clubs and one of the men turned it into a personal attack on my views and upbringing. I was angry and upset about it - still am, but it seems to have triggered a lot of thoughts and feelings that I thought I'd dealt with.

I guess I'm not there yet and I need to avoid situations like that. Will the triggering ever stop? Is it possible to ever trust men again cos all I want to do is run away to an all woman commune at the moment. I just want it all to stop and I want my life back.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Someone more insightful will be along soon, but in the meantime, can I offer that you've been in counselling for just a few weeks, and now this enforced break: it's unsurprising that you're vulnerable at the moment. Doesn't mean you will be forever, just means you have more work to do with your therapy.

(And you may still choose an all-woman commune of course, but it will be an active, positive choice, not a fear-driven escape.)

So sorry that happened to you (((hugs))) I'm a rape and DA survivor too.

Well I don't think you'll be so vulnerable forever but it's better to avoid fights, in real life or online it's the same. The triggering part... I don't know if it'll ever end. Despite now I'm very happy and in a new relationship (got engaged recently), I could slap in the face anyone who shows some prejudice and comes out with some stupid excuses concerning rapists and abusers. So I've no idea if that side is going to fade away at some point but...focus on yourself for the moment, you've been in therapy only for few weeks.

Stay strong and positive, and as the previous poster said, you might still choose an all-women commune but it'll be your choice, not because you're scared of men or facing your past.
Good luck :) x

i am sorry for what happened to you.

it has been a little more than 20 years since i was attacked. i mostly dont get triggered anymore, and being attacked is not the most important or significant thing about me anymore. i dont know that i trust men, but i trust my dh as much as i can, which is more than i`ve trusted anyone really since.

i can`t pinpoint exactly when things changed for me, it was gradual i think.

i wish you strength and peace
x

Thank you, your replies have all helped.

I think that avoiding arseholes is a very good idea. He'd always been a decent guy on the times I'd talked to him before, no indication that he would be so vicious - I must have hit a raw nerve. I'm definitely going to avoid conflict for the time being, it's just not worth the hell that follows.

Chibi - this happened 19 years ago, no idea how I managed to avoid thinking about it for so long really. I wish it had stayed hidden.

I feel that my life is defined by it now, all of my reactions, thought, emotions are underlined by it. It's already changed me so much.

Sorry, child crying.

IMO as long as you are dealing with it, it will get better. I think it will probably always be there to some small extent but over time it will feel less raw. I was raped as a child and as an adult and it's only in recent years that I've started dealing with it. I find it hits me in waves - I sometimes hardly think about it for ages then all of a sudden it's all I can think about. Those waves still come but they are less and less consuming if that makes sense. Each time I start thinking about it I feel more in control of it and less vulnerable. However I still can't say the word "rape" out loud so I still have some way to go. I've had counselling in the past and I need more I think - I'm currently working up the courage to seek it out.

I find it is better not to engage with people face to face on the subject of rape. I find it easier to do online as I don't know the people, I don't have to look them in the eye and I can walk away. That's just my opinion by the way, you might come to feel differently about it. The reason I feel that way is that many many people, men and women, have seriously fucked up ideas about child abuse and rape and for me knowing their attitude actually and truly makes me hate them. For example one (former) friend of mine said that he thought women were "sexually assaulting" men by wearing revealing clothes, implying that if a woman in revealing clothes gets raped she deserves it because she started it. Since then I feel utter contempt for him and I don't consider him a friend. I did challenge him at the time but I find it hard to challenge people with attitudes like that as I get very very emotional and incoherent which is extremely frustrating. My policy is that I would rather not know what people think than to have to cut a large proportion of my friends out of my life. I know that's probably not a great attitude but it's a coping mechanism that I need at the moment. Who knows, perhaps in the future I will be more able to challenge such ideas without letting it affect me.

If you feel up to it, it might be worth talking through your feelings here while you're not attending counselling. I've found mumsnet incredibly supportive and helpful.

captchaos report and ignore the trolls.

OP starting counselling always open up wounds. You've buried this for so long, it's bound to make you quite fragile going through it all again. But you're definitely doing the right thing and it will only get easier to deal with.

I've not much more to add, previous advice of avoiding situations and conversations where it might come up is very good advice.

I was attacked 13 years ago and although I don't enjoy talking about it, I can now, without getting upset and stirring up how I felt at the time. Now that you're dealing with it you will get past it in time and it won't define you.

There are a lot of bastards in the world and I'm so sorry your path happened to cross with that one, but your path doesn't stop there. xx

First of all will you permit me to say I have the utmost admiration and respect for you. What you have already done shows courage and tenacity. If you are away from your therapist, and something comes up please consider the Samaritans:

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

Or perhaps Rape Crisis:

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

Please don't feel alone. You deserve every ounce of respect, compassion and support to navigate through this. If the phone thing is a bit much, you already identified it being easier to communicate all this online, and as has been suggested people on here will listen.

Hugs to you, Op. I am a sexual assault survivor too. I am 48, my rape happened when I was 19. I did not deal with the attack for many years. I suffered from flashbacks and depression. My parent's realised I was in trouble when I told my mum I would no longer eat, so that I could just disappear. PTSD was just being recognised back then. I saw a military counselor who had much experience in PTSD. It helped tremendously.
I can only speak for myself, but it has gotten easier. The years pass. Triggering still occurs. I am on a thread currently where the op was sexually abused and has been flamed for it because of her non typical lifestyle choice. I am becoming enraged with the rape apologist on this thread. I need to step away as I am getting too emotionally involved.
Please pm me if I can support you in any way..

Thank you so much for your replies, I am really touched by your responses.
It's really odd reading my original post as it's nearly a year since I wrote it. So much has changed in that short space of time.
My counsellor ended up being really pushy, she wanted the big 'release' from me, she got it eventually and I never went back. My boyfriend found it very difficult to deal with me whilst I had ptsd and pretty much buried his head in the sand over it. We've just broken up and that was part of my reason for deciding to leave him. I understand that he didn't know what to do, we're not born with instruction manuals for these things, but I needed him and he wasn't there.
I'm fortunate to have found a wonderful hypnotherapist/coach who very quickly helped me to deal with the ptsd. Over the months he has helped me to put all that happened back into the past where it belongs. It's taken a while, but I'm ok now. I have only told 3 people, I think I could tell others, but at the moment there's no need to.
I can trust again. I know that I was unlucky to have crossed paths with Glenn, most men are not rapists. I haven't been triggered for a while now, but then again I don't read newspapers or watch tv, perhaps it's something I need to check out.
Best of all, I've retrained and in time when I'm ready, I'm going to work with women just like us. I'm going to help to put lives back together, to help to take away the pain and rekindle hope. None of us deserved what happened to us, but we all deserve to fully heal and to live our lives without fear.
Much love to you all xxx

I am so pleased you have manaaged to get some comfort and support and made progress with your ptsd.

for me it was very strange. because of the aftermath of my rape I placed no fear in men, I knew it was my fault entirely and that meant that I have never been worried about walking home at night nor about forming relationships with men. The issue was with me.

Then 5 years ago my ptsd was triggered by a conversation with someone and all of a sudden I was 11 again and trying to work out how to deal with this gaping wound in my life. My beloved husband was put through more in that time than I can ever thank him for.

Much counseling and reprogramming later, I challenge people head on.
I am strong to the point of aggressive and hope that will calm. When people make jokes about rape or sexual assault, or say phrases like she was gagging for it, I am these days quite likely to spoil the evening by saying.. I was raped when I was 11, was I gagging for it? was my skirt too short? did I flirt too much?
It makes a very uncomfortable situation but to be honest it has either informed the people around me about how ignorant they are being, or it has stopped them saying stupid things in my presence. who knows.

I will end by saying I am safe protected and loved and he can't hurt me now.

So glad you are in a much better place now itsthequietones and glad you have RL support. Good luck xx