Toddler and make-up - setting a bad example

[RichInBunlyGoodness]

Hi, first time poster long time lurker so please be gentle.

DD is 2.5 and likes to play with my make-up when she sees me putting it on. I've never been totally comfortable with it as its always been in the back of my mind that I am teaching her that women need to wear make-up to be acceptable to the world. I don't slap it on with a trowel or anything but do spend approx 5 mins every morning applying. Pre DD I spent vastly more time on my appearance than I do now and although I am happy with that I am reluctant to abandon make-up completely I guess it feels like part of what makes me me IYSWIM.

I had kind of made my peace with it -it's normal for young children to play at being grown up and I have explained a few times that its fine for her to play with my make-up but that children don't wear it only grown ups and that I wear make-up because its fun and I enjoy it.

This morning she said (whilst putting eyeshadow on her chin) that she likes to put make-up on to look pretty. This freaked me out a bit. I talked to her about how her, and I, look beautiful with or without make-up etc but not convinced she really bought it.

She has recently been talking about pink, sparkly shoes, wanting to wear dresses etc and I'm a bit unsure how to handle it all.

Not really sure what my question is after that ramble. How do other people feel about putting on make-up/general beautifying in front of kids? Is it just a matter of trying to set a balanced example and it'll work out in the end? My mum never wore a scrap of make-up but it obviously didn't stop me. Am i massively overthinking this?

Its a tricky one isn't it. I know (categorically without question!) that I look better with make-up. My DD (5) tells me that I'm beautiful without it, but then asks if she can put some on too and I tell her she doesn't need it because she's already beautiful, but that's probably not the right message is it?!

She often has her nails painted and loves to wear lip gloss and anything pink and sparkly. To me, I think that keeping it neutral, not making a big deal about it and treating it the same way I see DS wanting to wear a leather bangle or a particular t-shirt is the best way to deal with it.

I know that may not be a very feminist way to look at it, but if you wear make-up and you do think you look better with it on, there's not much else you can do!

Take a step back and put the blusher down.

She is playnig at being a grown up, it is part of that. She sees you do something and wants to do the same.

She probably tries wearng your shoes too.

It is IMHO no different to playing shop, post office, or with a set of pans. It is immitating what adults do.

On one level I think it's imitation/dressup and that's fine (DS walks around in my/DH's hat, shoes, sunglasses, scarf - and my bangles, looking groovy :)

On another level, the idea that one needs anything but a smile to look pretty is so very, very sad (even if we might think it's true) ... that I can see why you want to protect your DD from that kind of thinking.

There's 2 parts to it, isn't there?
(1) I put on makeup to look pretty.
which leads to
(2) Looking pretty is important (emphasis being: specially for girls, because girls are only good/nice/likeable if they are pretty).

I think part (2) is the more pernicious, part of the sparklyprincessification, if I'm honest. If you want to fight any part of the whole pink tat thing, fight that.

I don't wear or own any makeup. My 4yo dd has a 6yo brother. Yet, dd loves makeup (or the idea of it), nail varnish, pretty dresses, hair stuff etc. I simply don't own any of this stuff and I think she has talked to her nursery friends and seen adults doing all that stuff. I wear trousers and dd told me I look like a man because of it (I have long hair and boobs so I don't look like a man anyway!). It really is difficult but seems to be natural and enjoyable to dd. I let her wear dresses and very occasionally play with child nail varnish or a relative's lipstick. I think it would be worse to deny them having fun with it at this age. However I think that I will have to keep a very close eye on her self esteem, self image etc as she gets older. I do hate seeing teenagers wearing heaps of makeup to school and wish the schools could ban it. (nearby school). When I was at school, anything other than very light day makeup was banned.

ISWYM to get worried about this, but I think sashh speaks sense (- as do Doing and blackcurrants, btw....)

I don't think that in itself the act of putting on makeup every day will condition DDs to believe that women are primarily valued for their appearance, that they must always be self-conscious about their appearance, etc. Or that it's normal and unproblematic for girls and women to be fraught with anxiety about how the rest of the world judges them (physically/morally/socially). But I do think that if we're starting to feel that we're passing these messages on to DDs then of course it's important to step back and look at why as well as how we might be doing this.
So if instinctively you feel that your own use of makeup reflects an insecurity that you might be transmitting to your daughter, then perhaps that's worth looking at more carefully.

Putting appearance over and above other aspects of life, putting DDs into social situations/activities where there is little choice and/or they are congratulated for aiming at little else but prettiness (some god-awful Princess and/or gendered activity themed children's parties spring to mind) probably are quite damaging, but enjoying putting on a bit of makeup of a morning - as a couple of minutes non-fraught and non-essential activity - shouldn't in itself be harmful.

X-posts blueglue (v slow today...) - but yy, agree also!

Also, DSs are often interested in makeup and sparkly things. Painting on your face or painting your fingernails is fun (when you're not expected to do it every day, like it or not...) I'd say the best way to deal with makeup is to present it to DC of any gender as a bit of fun-dressing-up (and it's the best way to treat it for yourself, as well...). Oh and if your boys want their nails painted paint them.

On the rare occasions I wear lipstick, DS1 aged 5 asks for some too.

This is a feminist question, innit? Is it un-feminist to like looking pretty? Or to we despite "looking pretty" because it's not masculine enough? I tend towards the opinion that there is nothing wrong with self-adornment as long as it does not become the defining feature of the self. As a renowned poet of my country said, "one can be a serious fellow AND look to the beauty of one's nails."

I would say to the child: Make-up (as lots of other things) are for adults. It's bad for little children's skin (I am sure it is). You can play with it once in a while, but you have to wait until you grow up to have your own and put it on all the time. And boys are potentially missing out by not using makeup. And mummy is of course pretty without makeup, but there is nothing wrong with making her even prettier.

I say to my DD - "Make-up/ nail varnish etc don't make you look prettier, you don't need to look prettier. They just make you look different, just like changing your clothes, but you are still the same beautiful you."

Could you emphasise the 'fun' element of make-up rather than the 'pretty' aspect? Much like painting or drawing on paper is fun thing to do. I know it's not exactly the same but it may help your DD (or DS) to see it as something optional rather than something that is expected.

I worked with a mum who seriously told off her 2 year old DS when he tried to put on her lipstick because 'boys don't wear make up'. I tried to explain that he was only copying her, in the same way that he copies her when she does other adult stuff, like brushing the floor, but she was really freaked out by him wanting to try on her make up

With respect, i think you are overthinking this. If she were 9 or 10, I think you should be worried. I hate the princessification of tinies, too, but you seem to feel a bit guilty that you are sending inappropriate messages to her. She sees and internalises stuff from elsewhere too - telly, pictures, wherever - and as she's only a littlun playing games I wouldn't worry at all if i were you. I'd perhaps try to gently point her in other directions if you feel it would help.

I slap it on with a trowel, but my DD (10) has never shown the slightest interest (much to my relief!). If she had, I would simply tell her that make-up etc is for grown-ups only and leave it at that.