Disliked for success

[avenueone]

Hi, I am still very new to this so apologies if I get things wrong. I am keen to learn more and get advice from you all - I have read some great threads and am pleased to have found like minded people.
I'm a single Mum and whilst I am the sole provider for my DS I do also and have always liked my job, it is fun, social and I think the fact I have enjoyed it so much has led me to have done pretty well' IMO. Whilst to me, it is still the way I earn a living and not something that I see defines me, I often find esp. males don't like how well I have done in my career. I have a particular neighbour who has made untold sexist (do you have better words for this?) remarks to me, about me and women in general. His main sticking point is that I manage to work and look after my DS - and we have a comfortable life (I am no Millionnaire). Remarks even as simple as what is it exactly you do for a living' and each time I might get a new (company car) as they change them regulalry - he changes his wives, I had some work on my house - he comes over feeling he can make comment on it, even during an internet instalation. He is very abrupt, it isn't support he is offering.
I'm finding it hard to explain myself here, he makes me feel very uncomfortable - he spends most of his time doing outside work on his cars (moving them on and fof the drive a lot which I think is a bit strange) - he is always out there or in the garage. But aside from that I do find in general that males don't like the fact I have done well - I don't live in the south but when I do go down there I find attitudes different. AM I being over sensitive. In general I just get on with it - but there are times (puts head down in shame) I have thought - would I be happier if I hadn't done so well and didn't get this responce. I didn't go out to achieve what I have and my life is by no means perfect, I struggle with many things but I have a go.
I find that men in particular always want to talk work to me.. when during my social time I want to to be social, I have mentioned this (politely)but they don't seem to listen - what am I doing wrong - I don't want to let the side down. AM I apologsing too much Feel free to lambast me like I know you can.
Just one more thing - as I am single, men do also feel that they can comment on that all the time - I am choosing to be for the moment, they don't seem to understand that I am very happy single - I feel they use this as a `well she isn't very good in that department' way. IYGWIM

Some people are just jealous. My mother makes inappropriate remarks about how much money my DH and I have when compared to my brother and sister in law.

I know that sometimes men are twats, but so are women. Women are more insecure about their positions are a more ready to push down another women who knows more than her.

I would very nicely tell him that it's got sweet FA to do with him and then, to make him feel even worse, tell him you can't help being more successful than him and you really don't need one of his kind in your life to add misery to your fabulous mix ;)

Good luck x

Thanks Kick

Avenue, pls don't care about people say about you doing well in your job, whether they're women or men it doesn't matter, they don't like successful women who could manage to have a good job, children and also a happy single life.
No... you probably wouldn't be happier if you had chosen otherwise. I feel so bad for having been a burden for everyone in 40 years, I was never indipendent one way or another and I didn't have children, they would have been an added burden on the shoulders of everyone who was taking care of me.
You've my full admiration. Good luck x

I don't think it is men in particular - I think far too many people in general have a chip on their shoulders about successful women. My mum is one of them (has a chip on her shoulder). She is positively gloating because I have decided to take a career break - sees it as me seeing the light or something ridiculous like that. Refuses to accept in fact that what I do is a quite succeessul career and belittles it as much as she can, and when I do have a moan about something small she fixes on it as if she is glad that something is wrong (oh if only she knew).

People are either jealous of sucecss or they aren't. Far too many are, in fact. It's a real shame, and to me reflects badly on the chip on shoulder people.

Hmm, sounds a bit more like harrassment to me than jealousy. How does he physically get near to make these comments? I mean, if he is talking whilst you are not actually engaging in conversation, that is harrassment. I guess I agree that you need to tell him it is none of his business and ask him to leave you alone, and then ignore him.

And if that doesn't work, I would probably build the highest fence I was allowed to and put up a gate as well and get on with my life.

I couldn't be doing with such comments on a regular basis. I've worked since DD was a baby and own my own house etc, and no-one has ever seen fit to comment on how well I am doing (apart from to wonder why I don't move to be with DH).

Thanks for all your comments, very kind.
It is interesting to hear that yes I suppose other women do feel that way too but I never get remarks from women and my mum always worked so she has always, well never commented either way really it is just my life to her I guess.
It's a small street and either he comes down to me or I am walking up with DS on bike etc. when he makes his remarks. Miss where I used to live - it wasn't as nice an area allegedilly but boy were the people nicer.

Women are sneakier...

Hello, avenue!
I hear you loud and clear, having moved away from a similarly annoying neighbour a few months ago: always casual remarks made under the guise of 'neighbourly' interest, but uninvited, oddly intrusive and slightly insulting - no big deal in the grand scheme of things but strangely undermining and a bit creepy (not in a serious sense, just a bit 'ugh'...)
In hindsight, though, I find this neighbour's behaviour mildly amusing - her weird and slightly antagonistic interest and probable imaginings about us being the stuff of 70s sitcoms...

There is a regular poster on here called Xenia. Ask her to pop round and have a chat with your neighbour - problem solved .

Oh this kind of people like nothing better than for you to feel embarrassed and bad about yourself. Don't give him the satisfaction. Next time he asks about your new car, just tell him that you do so well and are so successful that the company just keeps promoting you, raising the salary and giving you new cars. Wonder if he will ask again..

Yes, some men don't like successful women. there is no need to form any closer relationships with such men though

HazleNutt is so right!
(Also maybe try responding to his comments as he would respond to them, IYSWIM: so for instance when he comments on your car "Yeah, nice, isn't it?" (Implication: You don't get one of these without working f*ing hard for it...)

I sometimes think it's a shame that we haven't developed the sort of brush-off attitude and names (and perhaps imagined backstories) for men like these that men have over the centuries developed for women who annoy them - so that instead of turning someone else's lack of self-esteem back on ourselves and allowing the problems of virtual strangers to become our problems we could pigeonhole them in a split second and throw away the thought of giving them any more emotional space. Perhaps it's not the most noble approach to dismiss a human being by reducing them to a 2-D caricature, but then, if it reduces the dull and unnecessary drag that this sort of antagonistic behaviour can impose....

Thanks for all your replies - agree about the brush off attitude, I need to get some backbone. I don't think it helps that he is always outside at the front of his house for some reason or other. As I drive by sometimes I throw imaginary grenades (and make the explosions sound quietly lol).

It's none of his business.

You have every right to be proud of your success.

Yes, it's probably motivated by sexism as well as common-or-garden jealousy, in his case - he would probably be vile to a more-succesful male neighbour too, but in that case he might just go in for a willy-waving contest, wheras in your case he's all comments and overbearingness.

Don't let him. Just don't let him. When he makes a comment about 'god, new car again?' accept it as a compliment with a smile "Yes, isn't it great? A bonus/reward for all my hard work!" and let him seethe/gawp. DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR DOING WELL!"

And when he tries to stick his beak in, point out he's being nosy. Eg comment on someone working on your house could be met with a smile and a polite/incredulous "Why do you want to know? Do you want some advice on getting internet installed?"
Rude/passive-aggressive 'advice' can be met with a surprised/polite "Did you mean that to sound so rude?" Or "gosh, that's a rude thing to say." then smile and stare at him and let him flounder in the silence.

I sympathize with people being shirty about women doing well. Some people are shirty about anyone doing well but feel the need to express it more vehemently about women - and the fact that you're single probably means that he finds it harder as he can't point to a male figure in your life who is clearly supporting you. Your very existence is a sign that women are capable, clever, and confident... so if/as he's a sexist bugger, it's driving him bonkers!

Don't let him get to you. Smile, brush off, ignore, and in extreme cases say "why do you want to know?" "That's private and I won't discuss it" or just "What a rude thing to say!" with a surprised laugh.

Screw him, and well done you! :)

avenueone - you're a successful single mother. You've got a backbone, believe me ... You just need to pat yourself on the back for having a backbone (and your achievements), and don't get pulled down by the tedious jealousy of your invertebrate neighbour

I love `did you mean that to sound so rude'...
Thanks ladies

Just say 'yeah right' to any comment he makes. Don't worry about seeming rude, who cares?