My DD wants to be a boy

[IrishSea]

My DD (6) is going through an ?I want to be a boy? stage, she has an older brother (8) and idolises a male cousin (7) so it?s not that surprising and I haven?t actively discouraged it up to now other than saying girls are brilliant and she is fab as she is. However this morning she broke down in tears because we?d picked out a dress to wear. Half way through getting dressed she remembered that said cousin is coming to visit today and so she wanted to wear trousers. I sat down and told her she was awesome, smart and funny and why would she want to be anyone else.

However I?m a little embarrassed to admit I got stuck on why it was good to be female, my mind went blank (other than performing better at school), and I don?t want to say anything that might alienate my DS (or something that my DD can use in an argument against him!).

I?d like to build up her confidence with personal complements but also with reasons why it?s good to be female, any age appropriate suggestions????

Thanks!
IS

Because the fun 'boy' things that she sees her brother and cousin doing are also 'girl' things?

Stick a poster of Amelia Earhart up in her bedroom.

I was exactly the same when I was younger. I wanted to be a boy. I always said I would cut off my boobs and turn into a boy instead. I grew up around boys so that's probably why.

have you tried Girls are Best? There is lots about it to argue with (a bit essentialist I think) but there are some fabulous stories about women in history and a reasonable introduction to why girls might be undervalued.

We've also watched 'Mulan' and talked about female warriers (she wants to be a knight) - so Boudicca, Amazons etc.

In term of the dresses/trousers thing my DD will only wear 'boys' shorts (from the boys section of clothes shops - 3/4 length baggy with lots of pockets. Fair enough really, they are much more practical. A couple of friends asked her why she was wearing boys clothes but we decided the best response was to say 'they are not boys clothes, they are my clothes' (thanks Eddie Izzard!)

I think I went through a stage of wanting to be a boy - becuase they seemed to have more fun. Then I discovered feminism! That's the approach I take with DD, talking about why people think girls can't do some things and why that is silly

Thank you all. Just looked at the Girls are Best book on amazon. Did you spot the review from J Wright, scary stuff.

With my DD I guess I feel it's a shame in this day and age that she thinks it would be better to be a boy, I mean that it?s a shame she even has that thought. I have also realised that I need to do more with my DS because I worry that he might get the idea that 'boys are best' (even though he's been through a dressing up as a girl stage :)).

Thanks for the responses, a few things to go on!

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a boy. But when I got to about 8 or so I had a road to Damascus. I realised I didn't want to be a boy at all. I just wanted to be me, and the me I was didn't fit the profile of what little girls were expected to be by society. It was all about the restrictions placed on me because I was a girl. I saw boys doing really fun things - exciting, risky etc. - but every time I did something like that it was not deemed appropriate.

Not by my mum, I hasten to add - she and grandma were both feminists - but by Dad (to a certain extent) by teachers and by society.

When I learned to put two fingers up to expectations and do all the things I wanted to do without caring what anyone thought I realised that being a girl was OK - more than OK. All you have to do is not give a damn.

I'm nearly 70 now and I still don't give a damn.

That's the way for your daughter to go.... tell her girls are great and girls can do exactly what they want to do, whether it's wear pants, wear a dress, a climb a tree, sail round the world, be an astronaut, be a mum (or combine mummydom with all the rest) or anything else.

My daughters have exactly the same attitude.

The secret is not to give a damn.

I'm like grimbletart. I saw boys having much more freedom and fun and seeming so much better at everything that I wanted to be one. It took me a while to realise that the only real difference was confidence.

The trick is to convince her that she can do the things she wants, as a girl.

The problem with that book, wonderful as it is, is that it feels wrong to say "girls are best". But unfortunately the male dominated culture we live in pushes us to extoll the virtues of being female over male as a defence. It would be lovely if we didn't need books aimed at girls/women to tell them about women's achievements because they would be included in the mainstream.

I agree with grimbletart.

Thank you grimble and messy. Brilliant attitude!

You've reminded me of the time when I was about 7 and the local priest came to our class (in Ireland, catholic school) and asked for volunteers to be alter boys, I remember the look of confusion and disgust on his face when I put my hand up. It was the first time I had come across any difference between the sexes.

I have tried to make sure been female has never been an 'impediment' to me since. I had assumed I'd passed this on to my DS and DD (with the help of my wonderful DH). I guess that's why this whole thing has taken me aback. I will take on board everything you have all said, it really is an attitude thing isn't it.

Thanks again