Dinner on the table

[BertieBotts]

DP is currently in Germany with his job. The plan is that DS and I will move out there in a few months to be with him. I'll probably be a SAHM for a while at least as I work out the local area, the language and the childcare situation.

I was talking to him on Skype the other night and he made a joke along the lines of "What?! But you'll be waiting with my dinner on the table, children lined up neatly with a spotless house for my return to work!" - to which I said lol, in your dreams, but then he went on to say actually it would be nice if you had dinner ready about the time I got home.

And overall I thought about it and thought well yes - that would be practical as DS has his dinner at about that time and it would be lovely for us all to eat together and that's been something I've wanted really badly for a long time, as DP worked nights before he left and we ended up eating three separate meals usually. And actually I quite like cooking.

But... and okay I know this will sound really ungrateful, but it just made me feel a bit cross and sad, that coming home to a nice cooked meal is something he can reasonably expect in his life, whereas I'll probably never have that because if I'm working, he'll be working too. And he said he'd gladly cook at weekends or if he finished work early, and I'm sure if I'd had a busy day and texted him to pick up a takeaway instead he'd do so without question, but I don't think it was that I was objecting to, it's just the expectation thing that I struggle with on a conceptual level.

It's happened this way round because you have chosen to follow him in this specific set of circumstances.

If he was the SAHP (say if made redundant), do you think he would take over domestic tasks, including cooking for you?

DH works 40+ hours a week, I work 16, I expect him to have the evening meal ready on the two days I get home from work later than him, he expects me to cook a meal on the other 3 days - whoever is home first, cooks, isn't that the sensible option?

We share the cooking at weekends/when we're off. When he was recuperating from surgery for 6 weeks before last Christmas, he cooked our evening meal every day.

I can see why you're uncomfortable with it but is that because you think it's the start of you being banished to the role of 'little wifey' ?

If it's a solution to a practical problem, I think it's okay but would it be easier to you to set the boundaries a bit more clearly ? So cooking the family dinner is seen as the end of your working day, his leaving work is his. If he gets to relax and unwind on his commute, you get to have some time to yourself while he clears up after dinner and then you split the rest of the chores evenly.

How about taking it turn about to alternate the above so you don't feel like the kitchen is your domain.

Is he generally aware of your feelings on these kind of issues as I think his response to you would be the dealbreaker. If he understands that you have genuine concerns that need addressed and that you remain an equal partner, then I think you can resolve this.

I think it's essential to deal with what appear to be trivial issues so that you don't set a precedent and wind up feeling resentful. It's a shift in society and cultural roles that need to be chipped away at and as long as he is aware of this and doesn't make the mistake falling into the sterotypical role himself, I think you can get through this and provide your DS with a valuable blueprint for his own treatment of women.

Yes, sorry if I wasn't clear - if roles were swapped for some reason then I don't think he'd expect me to come home and cook - I don't know! I've never thought about it before. I suppose it's baffling me because my mum was a single parent - of course she came home from work and cooked, there was nobody else there to do it. I definitely don't think it's about being banished to a role of wifey. I suppose as he's said he'll happily cook at weekends that if I got a weekend job that would apply then too.

Just to be clear, the issue isn't our relationship, it's the concept I'm not sure how I feel about, hence posting here rather than Relationships.

Following your move, you need to have an early discussion with DH about this.

If you are not WOH, then you need an agreed division of domestic tasks. How old is DC? For if school age, then you do have time which can be used domestically, with the aim of freeing other times for both of you to use in the pursuit of happiness (whatever form that takes for each of you, or all of you together - it might be family time, hobby time, time for you to study if you cannot secure employment, or anything else). The idea of a domestic working day, which ends with the evening meal, sounds one good approach. There are others.

The time before your move is a time you can use to work out your priorities - warn him to do the same. Then you can both approach this task of translating your ideals into the day to day reality with insight and a sense of where it takes you next.

I think phrases like "dinner on the table" quite understandably raise the hackles of many women with a feminist leaning!

in practice though is sounds like a practical and sensible thing to do - with your set-up - and he's going to cook when he is around and it doesn't sound like he's going to do his nut if you have a shit day and call him to pick up a take-away on the way home or it's not actually ready when he gets in or what-have-you.

He's not actually expecting you to, he said it would be quite nice.
And it's the practical time to eat anyway.
And you are SAH.
So I guess you need to reframe it in your mind as just the sensible thing to do rather than "a nice cooked meal is something he can reasonably expect in his life, whereas I'll probably never have that because if I'm working, he'll be working too" IYSWIM?
Clearly it would be churlish to not cook at that time, on principle!

Yes - Sardine I think you've got it. And I feel better - even though you've just basically said exactly the same thing I was thinking.

I think sometimes it's just nice to hear that others have had the same kind of thought. Thank you :) And others for your input too.

Where does it end, it might the be first step on the slippery slope
Might be "It would be nice if you did the washing up and laid out my clothes, cooked my breakfast & got up early to wave me off"!

If it's only for a short time or it's a fair division of labour, no problem surely.

I'm currently a SAHM, DH comes home from work at about dinner time, and I see it as my responsability to cook dinner so we eat as a family when he comes home.
When I was working, whoever was home first started the dinner.
I think our set up makes sense in both situations.
If DH was a SAHD, I would definitely expect him to cook dinner.

On the one hand OP I completely understand you when you think of the privilege that you will never have. I'm a single mum so I'm responsible for the housework . When I was married I was responsible for the housework. So, I've never had the luxury of leaving the housework to someone else.. however...

You have certain expectations of DH also; the expectation that he works hard and brings home money, so he is just as bound by obligation and expectation as you are. As long as both roles are valued equally I don't see a problem. The understandable defensiveness that we have as feminsts comes from the lack of value patriarchy placed on women's role in the home. To value that role and see it as a job worthy of doing well at is a very feminist attitude IMO.

I like messys post.

Yes, but we want to believe that there are couples who prefer to reverse the order--and it's just as successful for them.

Will you share the job of thinking what to have each day? Actually cooking it is often the easy bit!

I think it's all about the value we attach to caring and domestic work. Because stay home parents are not rewarded financially society doesn't attribute much value to it. The split between private and public life means parents who stay home are unvalued, despite the fact that reproductive labour provided free is actually the backbone of capitalism.

I already share that with DS Leftwing I have a vague idea of what we have and what needs eating and he helps me decide what to make with it.