at what age does 'no' really start to mean no? primary school 'dilemma'...

[bejeezus]

was having a chat today with dd1 (7 year old) today about this and that. earlier in the day, another mum had asked her if she had a boyfriend and she had become all embarrassed and not answered. she said, she wanted to tell me now, about her boyfriend situation ( )..

she said this boy in her class had tried to kiss her hand whilst she wasnt looking; and when she had realised what he was doing she had pulled her hand away really quickly. I told her that boys should only be kissing her if she wanted them too. I said you kiss with someone, it isnt something you do TO someone and both people must be willing. She said that she had been 'terrified' when it happened!. So i went on to say that if she didnt like what someone was doing to her then she should ask them to stop....and if they didnt stop, she should......thump them in the face. And tell me, obviously

so i am sure you can read between the lines and see that i was in my head, having this conversation with her 15 year old self about something more than kissing........

i know they are only 7 yo and it is all innocent and non-sexual, and that being 'terrified' by being kissed on the hand is a complete 7yo over reaction. and that thumping a 7 yo admirer in the nose would be considered by most, an over reaction also (particularly probably the parents of said admirer)

but i cant start giving her messages such as 'oh hes only playing' 'its just a kiss' 'boys do that' etc etc...its the start of the insidious rot isnt it???

she likes the boy and is friends with him btw...they play together

its a bit of a feminist aibu?

I think the empthasis is in the wrong place then. I thinly there is little danger of affectionate boys growing up into oppressors and abusers....

I tho.k the empthasis should be on teaching the kids to refuse these unwanted advances. That is where the potential danger lies. They need to be tauht that they can and should say 'no' if they don't like it. They can use force if necessary. They don't have to accept it, because 'he's just being friendly'

I agree that it is far less about the gender and more about giving children the confidence to say no, and feel that they can complain to an adult and be backed up if that no is ignored. We have rules in school about appropriate contact and respecting other people's feelings.
So some children hug each other, some wander around hand in hand and when a child says 'Stop doing that' the onus is on the other child to stop.
As the mother of a son with Asperger's, when he was a child he really didn't do physical contact, and as a teenager some girls found it very hard to understand when he said 'No' and 'Stop hugging me' that's what he meant.

Similar message here - this is an article about not forcing kids to kiss relatives.

edition.cnn.com/2012/06/20/living/give-grandma-hug-child/index.html