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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

I am absolutely fuming and I need to tackle my ex on this please help

16 replies

fuckarama · 30/05/2012 07:56

Because I'm new to feminism but I need some massively strong arguments to tell him that his family and their behaviour is out of order.

(I have a thread in AIBU as well)

Ex-SIL has told my DDs that I should be taking them to get their legs waxed and eyebrows done. DD1 is 13 and DD2 is 10. Fucking 10.

She was apparently "shocked" that I didn't take them and told them to tell me I should be taking them.

Help.

I'm so angry I can't even think straight.

It's wrong on so so many levels.

OP posts:

TeddyBare · 30/05/2012 08:46

Do you want to tell Ex to tell his DSis to back off and stop commenting on your parenting? Or do you want to tell your SiL why waxing is totally inappropriate for children? Or do you want Ex on side about not socialising your dds into waxing etc especially when they're so young? I think they're probably going to require quite different approaches.

Have you talked to your dds about this? I don't have teenage dds so I can't be of much help, but I think you should tell them to ignore their aunt at least and that it's not something they should be worrying about.

Original poster

fuckarama · 30/05/2012 09:04

All of the above.

She's his SIL his brother's wife and she's obsessed with appearance

OP posts:

allthegoodnamesweretaken · 30/05/2012 09:30

I wouldn't personally take it up with her. It's bizzare that she thinks children need their hair painfully ripped from their bodies for the aesthetic pleasure of men. But that's her problem, not yours. I'd just shrug off her comments and teach your daughters why it's innapropriate for them to get their legs waxed or their eyebrows shaped and isn't it sad that some women feel the need to hurt themselves for someone else's benefit?

Original poster

fuckarama · 30/05/2012 09:31

I did say "she's an utter loon I have never heard anything so ridiculous"

But I can't get much further than that because I am so angry.

I have ishoos with my ex-SIL

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 30/05/2012 09:40

I think you should address the issue completely separate from your SIL. I saw your other thread, the two of you have history, and anyway do you honestly think you can change her mind?

Your daughters will be subject to all kinds of opinions going forward about what they should be doing about their appearance. You can't go around confronting everybody. What you can do is talk openly with your daughters, reinforce their sense of self-worth, and keep telling them they don't have to do anything they don't want to do just to fit in with societal expectations of what women should look like.

You may also find your DD2 wants to do things earlier because she is copying her older sister.

I think the best thing you could do for your DD is to simply laugh at the suggestion and show how ridiculous it is. Getting angry doesn't help.

ComradeJing · 30/05/2012 11:33

I think the best way of dealing with SIL is, every time she either says something daft or one of we daft thoughts is repeated to her, to block your ears and loudly say, 'lalalalalallalalala' because the loon is never going to listen to you and has nothing worth listening to.

More seriously, tell her, bluntly, you aren't interested I'm her advice and don't want to hear it any more. Repeat every time she attempts to give advice.

StarsAndBoulevards · 30/05/2012 11:46

My suggestion would have been quoting The Beauty Myth at her until she shushes... But Comrade's is better...

Original poster

fuckarama · 30/05/2012 12:25

She is an utter loon.

Clearly.

OP posts:

messyisthenewtidy · 30/05/2012 12:33

It's completely nuts, of course it is, and it's none of her business. Tell your kids to ignore anything she says...

TeddyBare · 30/05/2012 13:06

If there is already history with you and the ex SiL then it might be best to tackle your ex rather than her, assuming that you can't just tell her to butt out. Are you on speaking terms with him? How often do you communicate? If you e.g. write an email to him, will he read it?

I think you're more likely to be successful at getting your ex on side if you frame your concerns very specifically as being about your dds and not a general objection to sexualisation of young girls. That way even if he is not very sympathetic to feminism it is relevant to him. You could set it up in the context of dd1 being at secondary school where some of the older girls are inappropriately sexualised or preoccupied with their appearance. Explain that you're concerned that your dd1 might be peer pressured into doing things she doesn't want to or dressing or presenting herself in a way which is too old for her and whatever your other concerns are. You can then frame the problem with the ex SiL in terms of wanting to be a unified front in make a home environment which is an alternative which challenges the school norm, by not glamorising waxing etc. You can also then explain then that your dds need to be helped to feel self confident about themselves irrespective of how they look, and that anyone making them feel stupid about their appearance is not being supported by you or him. It's not ok for adults to make mean comments to children about anything so even if you can't get your ex to see the content of the comments as a problem, he might still be prepared to stop his SiL from undermining your parenting decisions and making your dds feel bad.

Original poster

fuckarama · 30/05/2012 13:09

I'm not allowed to contact ex-SIL.

She's sensitive. And she cannot be criticised. Ever. Even when we were together I wasn't allowed to say a word when she smacked DD1 (long story) and the ex has no balls and won't stand up to them.

She's one of those incompetent inadequate women who can't do fuck all for themselves and flaps their hands and bats their eyelids at anything and as a consequence she is treated like she's made of spun sugar or glass or something.

Teddy - that's an excellent way to approach it - that would definitely work with him.

(PS I am calming down a bit)

OP posts:

allthegoodnamesweretaken · 30/05/2012 13:24

I'd have called the police and had her charged if she hit my DD, never mind said something!
It sounds like there's naff all you can do about her attitude, and to be honest, if your ex wouldn't do anything about her hitting your kids, I can;t see him telling her off for this. I'd just focus on teaching your DDs about feminism and loving themselves and to avoid SIL!

Original poster

fuckarama · 30/05/2012 13:35

I wanted to.

It was over something ridiculous and DD was 3 at the time. (DD had a dummy, SIL didn't like it, she took it out of DDs mouth when she was lying down to go to sleep and DD snatched it back - ex-SIL smacked her)

I wasn't there - I heard about it afterwards.

I cannot stand her. I have ishoos with her that go back years and I just think she is a total and utter waste of skin.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 30/05/2012 14:07

If you didn't hate the woman so much this wouldn't be such a big problem. Because you (and your DDs) would be able to laugh it off as just Auntie Whatsit being a bit silly. But, as you hate her, you're making it into a bigger deal than it need be for DDs, who are after all going to hear comments on their appearance from other people quite a lot of the time; they need a list of mental putdowns and their confidence boosted to the point where they can ignore silly remarks. TBH the best thing to do is encourage your DDs in an attitude of amused polite contempt towards your SIL ie that her opinion doesn't matter and neither does she, just laugh and change the subject when she starts.

Original poster

fuckarama · 30/05/2012 14:17

Oh I haven't said anything to the DDs other than "she's an utter loon I've never heard anything so ridiculous"

I'm venting on here - not in RL but you're spot on, if I didn't hate her guts I'd laugh it off as the ridiculous piece of nonsense it is.

OP posts:

WidowWadman · 30/05/2012 20:50

I'd take the girls' feelings into account though. I'd tell my daughters that they shouldn;t feel the need to shave (or wax or depilate) their legs, but if they really wanted to, I'd let them (and try to mitigate the risk of injury as much as possible)

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