Please be gentle - self harm as a feminist issue

[fluffydressinggown]

I am currently in a psychiatric unit because of my self harm.

My psychologist has asked me to read two books (Susie Orbach - Bodies and Women who Run With the Wolves) and think about them in relation to my own body and feelings.

Reading them and thinking has made me wonder about how I, as a woman, view my own body as a without value and an object for me to do things to rather than to inhabit and be a part of.

I certainly think that in the media there is a strong sense as woman's bodies as objects without meaning behind them.

I consider myself to be a feminist and so I am interested that some of my issues (of course this is not the only reason) may be related to this. I certainly place no value on my body in terms of keeping it safe or secure and I do see it as a vessle to destroy which is quite separate to my own internal being. I often say 'I need to do enough' and 'I need to make it right' which make me wonder why it has to be enough and right on my body. I don't do it for emotional release or to dull internal pain, it is about damage and punishment, and a way to communicate.

Of course self harm is deeper than this and has many many reasons, but I am interested in looking at it like this and wondered if anyone had any other feelings.

Interestingly I am very well 'kept' and for the 6 weeks I have been here (and prior while I was in the community and unwell) I have had my make up done, nice hair, nice clean clothes, showered twice a day. I find the contrast between this and the hand I can barely use because it is so bruised and swollen from shutting it in heavy fire doors to be difficult. Oh and I have been told repeatedly that 'I am a nice girl' and 'I obviously care for myself' because of my make up - despite the very physical damage I do to my body. Which is interesting, like being a nice, good, neat girl makes it ok?

Like I say please please be gentle :)

Staff, friends, family. I spend a lot of time being told how lovely I am for xyz reason - and being told how supportive DH is. Which is a positive I know, but I feel like people expect me to feel lucky because he is nice. That is what I expect from my husband, unconditional support and kindness.

If I had to choose a life, I would choose mine. It's just, I don't think I want any life, I just want to break myself into pieces.

Do you ever express your pain,your description o four hand I kept thinking you need to scream,to give a voice/volume to your pain, you seem to use it to lock yourself away.

I am no expert, just my thoughts. I hope you get the help you need, keep posting like others have said you articulate yourself so well, do you do that verbally?

Well what they are doing seems like more invalidation of your feelings, rather than anything useful.

How helpful is it for you to be told how lucky you are when you're struggling so much? I can't see it myself.

I do talk, just, delays things.

I am sat here feeling sick about what I have to do. So much pain and fear about it. The staff are lovely and are trying really hard to help me, I can be very negative so I think they try to remind me about the positives about myself. I am intelligent and articulate, it just doesn't mean anything, I mean, I didn't do anything special to be me did I?

What do you have to do? Are you talking about hurting yourself?

Firstly very best wishes to you FDG, I hope you are safe.

I don't really have anything to add myself but another book you may be interested to read is Wasted by Marya Hornbacher (although, I know for some it may be triggering).

She writes primarily from the perspective of someone with an eating disorder (though later in life her primary diagnosis was corrected to bipolar) and she has a lot to say about mental illness as a feminist issue.

I am sorry I left such a drama message last night, I was upset.

I talked with my psychologist yesterday about how small my world can be. I don't like dirt (not bothered by germs, just dirtyness bugs me) or sand or eating messy food or eating with strangers or looking messy.

Just saw the team and i am here for another 4 weeks and yet again they have said they have misseed me and missed what I am about and we have to start again to keep me safe. I wish they could know how terrified I am all the time, what it feels like to not want to exist.

And you know I do wonder if they have missed me because I am a woman, because my rantings are taken as hysterical female :(

Hope you didn't hurt yourself last night fluffy. Hope you're OK now, whatever happened.

So sorry to hear you are feeling terrified all the time. That must be awful.

"they have misseed me and missed what I am about and we have to start again to keep me safe"

Are they saying they haven't assessed you or your needs properly? Not quite following.

If they admit to have "missed" you (and I am taking you to mean misdiagnosed or wrongly assessed) I think you are right to be upset. Especially if you have to stay in longer.

If you think that they are not listening to you or taking you seriously, it is probably because they aren't. From what I understand, you have had to fight hard so far to get the help you need, it must be incredibly frustrating to still feel that you are not being heard. It must be very hard for you, and I am sorry you going through this.

Missed as in missed what I am about what my processes are about.

Hurt my hand again last night, nurse suggested my husband book time off work to be with me instead of me being in hospital, or I go private to get more therapy. These are not helpful suggestions.

So have they said what they think you are about and what your "processes" (is that their word or yours) are about?

I'm really sorry about your hand and that you hurt yourself.

Agree that the nurses suggestions don't sound very helpful. If taking time off work was all that was required then I'm sure your husband would have done it.

Fluffy, this is a hard thing to ask, but self harm is often correlated with experiences of rape and sexual abuse. Have any of your doctors or psychologist asked you about that? Do you have any experiences of those things in the past?

Yes to your question, so that will be lovely to deal with, I don't think it is the reason but it does not inspire positive self esteem or self worth does it?

Asked for more support tonight so we will see how that goes.

There is something about not feeling emotion/punishing myself. Other than that? Very ritualised, very very controlled, very much about controlling myself.

Do the medical people treating you know about what happened to you? Or your psychologist?

I'm really sorry that that's happened to you.

Have you considered that you might be reenacting someone harming you in a very ritualised, very controlled and controlling way? Traumatic reenactment is a recognised response to the experience of extreme harm. Not saying that's necessarily the case, but whilst you're looking for answers it might be something worth exploring.

I hope you don't mind me asking you these questions, but you were asking for the feminist angle on it, and that would be from where some feminists would approach what you're dealing with.

Just to add - the objectification and alienation from women's bodies is created by our patriarchal society in order that men as a group (not all men by any means) can physically harm women through rape, domestic violence, sexual assault, child sexual abuse and other forms of violence, without comeback.

Turning a person into an object, means destroying their humanity and denying their feelings. Once that's done to a person, pretty much anything after that is seen not to matter.

Yes they know, it was not a ritualised experience (if that makes sense!?) though.

I do feel like I objectify my own body and deny my own feelings and then it is ok to harm it because it is something without value or worth.

If you don't mind me asking -and as usual, feel free to ignore me- why do you think that your self-harm has nothing to do with the sexual assault you suffered?

I guess from your response to Nyac that you don't talk about it much. Again, I wonder if you allow your self to talk about it? Do you perhaps that the incident(s) weren't "serious" enough for you to merit sympathy? Or have people been less than sympathetic or understanding about it? Have the doctors brushed it aside as not important?

I am sorry if these questions upset you, I was very sorry to hear that you hurt yourself again last night. I ask only because I would never have linked my own self-harm to the abuse. I never realised that the two had begun almost immediately. It was in the context of me seeking help -I tried hypnotherapy- that I made the connection.

I am also sorry to hear the comments you have received from the nurse. I think they are unacceptable. I am glad that you are strong enough and wise enough to recognise that these aren't helpful nor of any use to you.

They know, but your psychologist is telling you to read books like Women Who Run with the Wolves? Hmmm.

The feminist approach would be to deal with and work to heal what actually happened to you and your body, not explore metaphor or myth.

Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery might offer you some insight and support.

Another word for ritualised might be compulsive. The behaviour of people who commit sexual attacks is often compulsive, or at least appears to be.

It's all very well them talking about how you treat your own body including objectification, but the initial lesson to do that most likely came from someone else, most likely the person who hurt you. Where did you learn not to value your own self and body, because that's something that has to be taken away from us, not something that happens naturally.

I had issues before - disordered eating, head banging, feeling 'weird' had started at 12 which is 4 years before hand and it wasn't abuse it was a one off.

Talking about it is difficult and triggering and I often think I have made it up and it has a huge impact on my relationship with my husband but it is not the only issue if that makes any sense?

I haven't had to deal with self harm, but I have had to deal with rape and also mistreatment in childhood, including complete invalidation of my feelings. I don't think it's possible to walk away from these things unscathed, although I do think it's possible to heal from them.

I was not mistreated but I don't think I had my own needs met on an emotional level. My parents are good people who love me very very much but they both have damaged parenting (my Dad's mum was neglected as a child and my Mum's dad was very controlling and emotionally maniplulative so they never had the skills to be unconditional with their love and emotions). I have spent a life time being told not to be silly or dramatic, I certainly would never have told my parents what happened at 16. I am very private about things with my parents although this has eased and our relationship improved in recent years. It is difficult that their mistakes (for want of a better word!!) have had such a huge impact on me.

We talked about my issues with stuff and feeling clean and my experiences as a child and I certainly have not come out unscathed. I can see why they recommended the Wolves book, it is about bones and healing and exisiting on a fundamental level which I am reluctant to do. I value myself in terms of how shiny my hair is, or how clean my house is but not beyond.

Have you told any of your care team about your posts here, Fluffy?

I would encourage you to if you have not because otherwise it could be another way of compartmentalising.

I think general support and a listening ear as offered here is good but beware of criticisms aimed at your care team, family or others directly known to you or involved with you by people who do not have all the information to hand.

It may alienate you from your psychologist and others involved at a time when you are very vulnerable and looking for 'reasons' to disengage.

I wish you luck ( i am an rmn).

I don't think the care team should be told about this. People, even people who need a lot of help, have a right to their privacy.

I'd say invalidation of children's feelings is mistreatment of them, even if it's not deliberate, fluffy.

What I post on the internet has already been said to my care team - and in more detail. They know. I am not looking for reasons to disengage, my experience has been the opposite, me fighting for them to engage with me.

The stuff about my childhood has been well established and I have already had therapy about it.