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Original poster

AIBU: Mr and Mrs "Man's name" Surname

47 replies

Badgerina · 24/03/2012 19:00

I took DH's name when we married. I have never liked my father's family name, nor his family (long story). I refer to myself as Mrs or Ms, I'm not really that consistent.

Here is the issue (that frankly is making my BLOOD BOIL): DH has an uncle who insists on addressing Christmas cards and invites to Mr and Mrs "DH's initial" Surname. He knows I don't want him to as MIL (it's her brother) mentioned it to him. However, he still does it and treats it like a joke. I should mention also (for context, you understand) that he is a pretty horrible person: racist, homophobic, arrogant and once took the piss out of my DS (5 at the time) for having nail polish on his toes!

This man is a shit, right? I'm right to be fucking angry, right? What to do though?

OP posts:

edam · 24/03/2012 23:18

Why is it always the husband's initial you use, MrsS? Unless all the women share the same initial?

Mrs A and Mr C Surname works fine and takes no more effort than Mr and Mrs C Surname.

tribpot · 24/03/2012 23:20

How do you distinguish between them

Well ... I'm guessing they don't all live in the same house :) (Is that what you meant by 'address as you go'? Do you write all the cards and then all the envelopes afterwards?)

I assume you don't address cards to female friends who haven't changed their names as Mrs (her initial) (his surname) - although in fairness this is still relatively uncommon in this country. I would only not be cross to be address as Mrs DH's name DH's name by someone who genuinely couldn't be expected to know my name, even the first initial of my first name.

edam · 24/03/2012 23:26

I don't mind distant relatives of dh addressing Christmas cards to Mr & Mrs dh-surname, even though I kept my own name - it's a reasonable working assumption in this country, especially amongst older people. Going for dh's first initial for both of us really does seem so very pointed, though.

When my widowed Godmother married again, she double barrelled her surname, so she became Mrs W oldsurname-newsurname - which I thought was a nice tribute to her first husband (well, second but the first was a looooong time ago and she was widowed pretty quickly thanks to WW2).

Angelico · 24/03/2012 23:30

I really wouldn't lose sleep over this, just bin his card if it gives you satisfaction :) I kept my own surname but every Xmas half of my DH's relatives send card with just first names or both our surnames, other half send 'Mr and Mrs Dh's surname'. I know who cards are from without opening them - it's always the same suspects! And MIL (who I genuinely LOVE) always greets me with, "Well Mrs DH's surname"! It doesn't bother me - I am who I am, DH and I are comfortable with it, some people just don't get it.

What DOES freak me out is when I get mail saying MRS Angelico's surname - that's MY MUM!!! lol :o

Original poster

Badgerina · 25/03/2012 00:12

Thanks for the support (those of you who commiserated).

Regarding "etiquette": surely respecting someone's personal preference (that they have had the decency to communicate to you politely) is the only "right" thing to do here? When so/called conventions cause hurt, upset or offense (or are outdated and no longer relevant), surely it's about time we drop them?

Everyone who has said he's an arse: yup, he really is. To all who suggested binning his cards: yup, I sure will be

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 25/03/2012 08:23

Well I have an Aunt (on dh's side) who addresses out Christmas cards to Mr & Mrs (dh's initial) surname.

To me, it is just her generation, she is in her 80s & that is how it was then. She does it to dh's parents too.

I can't get too riled about it.

frankie76 · 25/03/2012 08:25

Urnbu but don't you think life's too short to sweat the small stuff like this?

C0smos · 25/03/2012 08:37

My parents do this to me when they send postcards etc I find it annoying but they are just old fashioned and don't mean anything by it. I will mention it if I remember when I see them, but TBH it's really not that important in the scheme of things.

Original poster

Badgerina · 25/03/2012 09:27

My issue wasn't really with this uncle following the convention (although I do think it's very old-fashioned), it was more that he has persisted with it, even after my MIL mentioned not to. Why would anyone do that? (because they're an arse)

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 25/03/2012 09:34

I've got a few relations who do the Mr & Mrs "Hisinitial" thing for joint cards, even though I've said I would never ever follow the Princess Michael of Kent. It irritates and I grump to my DH about it, but in the grand scheme of things it's not the one to get really riled about, I don't think.

OP, sounds like your uncle is indeed an arse

Primrose123 · 25/03/2012 22:45

But I don't mean cards addressed to both of us, I don't really mind that, it's when my mum sends me a card, and addresses it to Mrs (DH's first name then surname) - I have my own name! Even though I agreed to take his surname, surely she could use my first name!

MrsClown · 26/03/2012 11:30

I mind it under any circumstances. If it is a company who do it I send the letter back and ask them to resend addressed in a non patriachal way, ie Mr A and Mrs C Jones. If it is a relative I call them and ask them to please not do it again, if they do I will send the card back. At first my mother couldnt understand me but she now sends cards the way I asked. Companies have never refused and have always forwarded a corrected letter.

Frankie76 - this is not small stuff to me, it makes me sick. Until women start to take a stand over it it will never change.

bronze · 26/03/2012 11:36

Why not just Mr and Mrs Surname if you share a surname and are happy with Mrs?
I know it's because that's supposed to be his parents but as most people live nowhere near their parents what does it matter

supernannyisace · 27/03/2012 08:39

I am glad I read this thread as I had never even thought anything wrong with that way of addressing letters/cards.

I still address letters/cards to a couple as Mr and Mrs (man's initial couple's surname). to be fair, they are mostly older couples so probably don't even think about it.

If I am sending a card to a female - I will use her own name though - I wouldn't send a card to Mrs John Smith - it would be Mrs Mary Smith.

jenny60 · 27/03/2012 09:49

Christ almighty, why do people always line up on these threads to tell us that there are better things to worry about, don't sweat the small stuff, life's too short etc... Can I just make it plain here that we don't think this is more important that world peace or global warning, but it's important to us and important enough to contribute a post on it. If it's not important to you, don't join in and please stop patronising the OP and others.

MrsClown · 27/03/2012 10:22

Thanks Jenny60, you have said exactly what I wanted to say!

I cant believe the women in 2012 are still addressing correspondence like this!

samandi · 27/03/2012 11:27

It does sound as though he is doing it to be unpleasant. In this case I'd just accept that he's an unpleasant person (especially combined with the other info) and have as little to do with him as possible. Bin the cards if you like and/or send his cards with the wrong initial/his wife's initial if you want to make a point.

ChangingWoman · 31/03/2012 22:43

Agree with Badgerina.

It's courteous to address personal mail and cards to the title and name that you know people prefer to use rather than in line with your own personal viewpoint.

I've always been Ms Myname, whether single, married and nearly divorced, but I'll happily send cards to Mrs Hername Hisname or Mrs His Initial Hisname if I know that's how friends and family members wish to be known.

It does annoy me when companies or individuals call me Mrs Hisname after they've previously been informed of my name and title. I find it rude and disrespectful.

Alittlefeminist · 19/04/2012 12:46

I have the same problem but the other way around. Whenever my mum (and it's always my mum!) sends me a letter or a parcel she puts 'Family MyFather'sFirstName Surname' as the sender.

I mentioned this to her and she seemed sympathetic but has been doing it anyway since. Despite living an active and autonomous life, her defence is: 'he is the head of the family' - it's like nothing at all has changed :(

alittlefeministblogonlanguage.blogspot.co.uk

catsrus · 20/04/2012 12:11

Slightly old thread I know... but I decided to check the Debretts site

which says here

"These traditional styles of address are, however, more as a result of custom and usage, rather than absolute rules."

and later here

"To summarise, therefore, it is recommended that, when writing to a divorcee, you should follow the conventional option, and call her 'Mrs Caroline Smith' (ie use her forename and her married surname). It is strongly advised, however, that if there is any doubt as to the woman's preferred form of address, you should ask the woman in question precisely how she wishes to be addressed, or ask a reliable friend."

So even Debretts has moved into the 21stC (unlike some MN posters )

TheSmallClanger · 20/04/2012 12:30

My DD had the best answer to this, years ago. She found a letter on the mat addressed to "Mrs HisInitial Clanger", and skipped around the room laughing her arse off that "someone thought that Daddy was a girl!"

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 20/04/2012 14:15

If an older/less familiar couple share a surname I would usually just write "E. & C. Williams" and leave out the whole Mr/Dr/Madam thing altogether. Would people take offence at this? Only if I didn't know their names or was writing formally for work I would say "Mr & Mrs Williams".

If they are friends or family, or under 60ish I would just put "Elizabeth & Charles Williams"

Full names and no titles seem to eliminate a lot of problems.

AMAZED at people's own MOTHERS calling them Mrs HisName HisSurname. Bonkers.

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