AIBU: Mr and Mrs "Man's name" Surname

[Badgerina]

I took DH's name when we married. I have never liked my father's family name, nor his family (long story). I refer to myself as Mrs or Ms, I'm not really that consistent.

Here is the issue (that frankly is making my BLOOD BOIL): DH has an uncle who insists on addressing Christmas cards and invites to Mr and Mrs "DH's initial" Surname. He knows I don't want him to as MIL (it's her brother) mentioned it to him. However, he still does it and treats it like a joke. I should mention also (for context, you understand) that he is a pretty horrible person: racist, homophobic, arrogant and once took the piss out of my DS (5 at the time) for having nail polish on his toes!

This man is a shit, right? I'm right to be fucking angry, right? What to do though?

He's an arse. We have this thread all the time. Some people are just nasty. Personally, id stop sending him a Cheistmas card and bin his but I'm increasingly intolerant of this level of low-level sexist bullying.

Would it cause family problems just to remove him from your life? It doesn't sound like he adds anything positive to it.

my mil does this, it right pisses me off. inlaw relations are strained enough as it is so i won't be saying anything, i just rant to dh when something arrives addressed to mr & mrs dh button.

Does he have a wife? No matter really - just send him cards with the wrong initial. If he does have a wife, send to 'Mr and Mrs HerInitial'

If he's doing it purely to be unpleasant, no point you seething silently.

Badgerina he sounds like an arse.

I get annoyed with this too but mostly it's older relatives that do it and DH has to put up with my rant. It's his penance for being male and therefore part of the system. He really isn't though poor him. I don't tell people I don't like it but if I did I would expect them not to do it again.

Again then, he's an arse, but his general behaviour demonstrates that too...

I have always hated this too but it is the old fashioned way of doing things. There's not much you can do really it might be annoying but it's not a crime. If it's a Christmas card just bin it.........check it for folding money first though!

My FIL did this to my DH's Aunt (FIL's sister). She was not happy.
YANBU!

Would you rather people think you are divorced or widowed? The etiquette for a married couple is Mr and Mrs John Smith and Mrs Janet Smith is used for a divorcee or widow.

That's not the etiquette anymore.

And why would it be a problem to be divorced or widowed?

My mother does this. When she gives me a birthday card, instead of just writing my first name on the envelope, she puts Mrs (husband's first and last name). I do find it annoying, as if I am no longer a person, just someone else's wife. She does for any card that she writes to a woman, and I find it odd, because I have never known anyone else do this. I'm not sure where she gets it from.

Primrose my mother did that birthday card thing to me once. I told her I was not amused but she insisted that it was the correct way to do it

STIDW - are you living in the 1950s?

Gosh, what a horrible attitude, talking as if being divorced or widowed is something you'd rather people never think of you!

No, I'm not living in the 1950. See Debretts

www.debretts.co.uk/etiquette/rites-of-passage/divorce-/forms-of-address-.aspx

I just think there are more important issues to worry about and if someone is older they will tend to use the convention they were brought up with. It's also convention to refer to "Ladies and Gentlemen, " we never put "Gentlemen" first.

www.debretts.co.uk/etiquette/rites-of-passage/divorce-/forms-of-address-.aspx

I said I think there are more important things to worry about. Surely I am entitled to my opinion and it isn't rude or dismissive to debate issues that we don't agree with if it is done respectfully?

My remark wasn't unkind, I'm just pointing out the convention. I'm divorced and I don't particularly like being called Ms but it happens sometimes.

personally i would address letters to the horrible uncle thus:

To Mrs Haroldina Smyth

I didn't change my name when I got married, so mostly things come to us with two different names on (occasionally friends who have other friends who double-barrelled their names think we did too despite no evidence to support it!). The only one who complains about it is my grandmother, who declares it to be 'confusing' trying to remember what my name is 'now'. Personally I take the view that having had the same name for the entire 40 years of my life should actually be helpful, but there we are.

I don't think I get anything addressed to me as Mrs [DH's initial] [DH's surname] although one of his uncles might send stuff this way and I am just blanking it from my memory in horror. I have to send something off to my BIL and his GF on Monday and I have no idea what her surname is - if they were married I'd probably just put his surname on but address it to both of them, as it is I guess I'll just put first names on. Debretts be damned!

Oh, and as for the horrid uncle, I'd be tempted to send one Christmas card back marked 'not known at this address'. You know, as a 'joke'.

Debretts don't actually make the rules, you know. They are just a bunch of people trying to make some money from the socially insecure. They aren't in charge of anything, least of all the English language.

Mrs Mansname Mansname was the convention in ye olde unelightened days but has not been common usage for the best part of three decades, if not more. For very good reasons.

If you want to discuss the way language evolves, talk to etymologists or compilers of newspaper style books - people who do actually know something about the subject.

I agree Debretts don't make the rules any more, no one does, but that means individuals choose whether to use convention or not.

I find it especially weird when members of MY family address cards to Mr and Mrs (DH name) Surname. While this kind of thing makes me harumph a bit, it doesn't actually make me cross as it just seems so old-fashioned and irrelevant to me. I'm sure this is a convention that will die out with the older generation.

I really don't see the problem here. I always address Christmas cards, invitations etc. like this. If I was sending a female married person a birthday card I would address Mrs (her initial) surname. If a couple always the husband's initial. My dad's family there are 12 Mr and Mrs (my maiden name)s. How do you distinguish between them or do you therefore have to address as you go?
How is this old fashioned? Surely it is just the norm?