is it possible to be a sahm and a feminist?

[lottielou39]

I've had periods of being a sahm, and am now (after working for the past few years) returning to the role of sahm. For many reasons, but mostly because managing the care of three small children is a logistical nightmare and because I love being there for them all the time without having to juggle work around them. I've no issue with using childcare because I've done so in the past quite happily, but childcare times 3 (one of whom is a small baby) is not easy.
I've found the working situation harder now my eldest two are getting to the age where holiday clubs no longer accept them, but they're still too young to be left home alone all day. So after much thought, I've realised that I need/want to be a sahm again and my husband supports this 100%.
In the past, I've had women tell me that:

1. you need to earn your own money for self esteem/independence etc.
2. only women without degrees/careers stay at home. I've spoken to a few feminists about this online in the past and the feeling I get is that whilst they support a womans right to choose to stay at home (if she has this luxury) it's never a choice they'd make because it would conflict with their ideology. What do you think?

Cogito to be honest, our relationship is on borrowed time right now... I've been brainwashed and ground down for a long time now. In my mind, I think I've already checked out. My degree is a little area of sanity until I figure out what to do next.

Yes it's possible, I am one. All our money is shared, we make joint financial decisions and one of the reasons it works is that we choose to spend on the same things.

himalaya makes a good point though. The general order of things really needs to change and until it does all we can do is make the best choices for our own circumstances. DH's workplace is in fact much more flexible and parent friendly than mine was.

My tips...start accumulating some cash, get financial advice from places like CAB, www.Turn2Us.org.uk or similar, start checking out alternative accommodation and have an exit strategy ready. It will help you rebuild your confidence. Having something like a degree to focus on at the same time is a really good way to channel spare energy into something positive. Good luck!

I am doing OU ED209 - developmental psychology. It's the first TMA and I too have a last minute mentality.

It's going to be a late night for me tonight
Studying has given me a lot of self confidence. I secretly love it, despite the challenges.

YES.

At least I bloody hope so, because my politics and attitudes are completely fraudulent if it's not.

I did ED209 about 5 years ago. Want to buy an essay?

I find that question utterly -

well actually - I am speechless!

Really like himalaya's post.

Personally, I don't want to be financially dependent on another person. Too many eggs in one little basket for me.

Yes.

ah, but see, I have my own little basket of eggs.

Always good to have a few ISA's and bonds in your name, by saving up a little each month. Not 100% needs to be put in the joint account.

DH spends quite a bit on his hobby, I spend an amount every month on an "ISA". In future that will probably be used for the kids education, or maybe not. On a bad day I call it my "running away funds". Having it means I do not feel too financially vulnerable.

I recommend any SAHM to have an own savings account.

I think that it is only sensible for people to have savings of their own.
I have protected myself as best I can I think. I suppose the best protection is that I have married someone decent.

Absolutely you can be a feminist and a SAHM.

However, you cannot be a feminist if you think it is essential for a mother to remain at home with her DC.

How many men even need to think about "running away funds".
Not many.
It's so sad that things are changing so so slowly.

I think so. (I haven't read the thread yet, apols. Will go back and do it when I'm not at work. :) )

I am going to stay home next year. I've done this WOHM thing for four years and it is awful, for me personally. I know lots of couples who can handle both people working, and juggle school and childcare and bill-paying and house renovations and the whole shebang, but...DH and I are not those people. We've come to accept that we need someone behind the scenes, as it were. :) And since I do not have a degree, make far less than DH, and am more naturally a potter-around-the-house-type (which I put down to my inborn personality, not my ovaries), that person is logically going to be me.

Plus, I want to be pregnant in the next year, and from previous experience I know that pregnancy makes me exhausted and queasy, and trying to work with kids with special behavioral needs under those circumstances is ill-advised.

I've actually identified more as a femnist since becoming a SAHM I think because I end up alternating SAHM full time and working full time, due to the short-contract nature of my career, and I want to make sure DH and I both value the work I do at home. Am still working on him sharing more household stuff when I'm working full time but financially at least I think I'm in a good position.

Since having DS DH's account became a joint account into which his wage and all our family outgoings came out. I kept my account into which CB, Tax Credits and my wage (when I earnt anything) would go into and childcare (when needed because I was working) and spending money for me only would come (going out for coffee or to the cinema etc). My maternity allowanace has gone into my account and I am saving this money now we have moved abroad.

We have moved to US with DH's work, my visa is tied to his so I have no money coming in at all which is mine and I am not allowed to work, so I am SAHM to our two small children. All his money goes into a joint account, he has suggested setting up an account in my name only into which a set amount each month is put into so I seperately have money which is mine only. I bulk at this being paid to stay at home but does allow me some financial independance.

It still sits uneasily with me though - all DH's money is ours and all mine is mine, because I have so little compared to him, but I can't get out of the mentality (in my head alone) that our money is still HIS money, so where actually ARE my feminist credentials??

If you set up a personal account each, and both get the same "spending money" then that would feel fair and not like you are being "paid".

You are contributing to the family - and moving to the states so he can take that job is a huge thing - I know it can be hard to "feel" it but you are

I know how you feel though. I used to earn a good salary and now I at home & I work from home and even though I am bringing in a bit of money I can't "feel" it somehow as it's not going out to work. It's al psychological, you just need to remind yourself that you are contributing, and that contribution is very important.

Hear hear himalaya.

SQ - I don't think the SAHM issue is about how you manage your joint finances and the money you put away for a rainy day (those issues apply whoever does the earning, but less so if you have a good relationship with a nice person).

The big issue is the long term earning power you are giving up by taking 10+ years out of the workforce at the peak of your learning years, while meanwhile your partner is able to pursue an ambitious promotion track. Few people can ever put away enough money to
make up for that. And this SAHM penalty applied even if you have the best relationship with the nicest of guys.

I was just trying to talk about some of the specific situations here on this thread.

Without structural change there is little that individual women can do at the moment to minimise the effects - I know it only too well as I am "stuck" at the moment and it's frustrating.

I would be nice to have any savings at all. sigh.

DH has no savings either and despite careering for 20 years is about to lose his job. How's that for equality!
Now neither of us have 'running away money'

Yes.

Sorry about your DH's job kal.

But people who have been in work have a better chance than a SAHM of getting another job.

"Running" away funds are rarely sufficient to live on for long. And don't savings etc have to be declared and divvied up in divorces, no matter whose name they're in?