''I was restraining you'' dv thread

[SmellsLikeTeenStrop]

An ex of mine used to justify his violence towards me by claiming he was restraining me. He would grab my arms and twist them right around, he would push me against the wall and put his arm against my wind pipe so I couldn't breathe. The first time he hit me, we'd been having an argument and he claimed I was 'hysterical' and I needed the slap to calm me down.

On another forum I sometimes post on, a young woman is beating herself up 'figuratively' because she called the police on her 'd'h because he'd dragged her across the room by her hair, and then pinned her to the floor. She feels guilty for calling the police because she believes her 'd'h was only doing what he thought best.

How common is it for men to claim the violence they inflict on their partners was for their partners own good?

No statistics, but I'd imagine that most abusers don't identify as abusers, and will rationalise and minimise their actions.

I would say it's probably fairly common.

My dad swung my mum around the living room by her hair because she was "out of control" once. I was 4 and I still remember it.

Then when I was 8 she went out of control again so he slammed her head into the table, told her he was going to kill her without touching her (ie harm her children) then dragged her out of the house by her hair and locked the door.

The "out of control" bit is what he told the police every time and he was never charged even though my mum begged them to do something.

I'd guess it's massively common- no abuser wants to think of himself as an abuser, so they will come up with reasons why they're not. If they're thick, "she made me" or "she provoked me", are sufficient excuses, but a more intelligent or educated abuser, will be aware of the ideas that normal people have, that we are all responsible for our own behaviour and so they know the "she provoked me" won't do. So they have to come up with a reason why it wasn't really abuse, it was restraint in the face of an hysterical woman who might otherwise have attacked them.

Not sure what research there is on abuser excuses for attacks.

Its very odd me commenting on these threads ,
I witnessed DV growing up, but both my parents knocked 10 bell out of each other, I saw my dad get up in my mothers face which was threatening and unpleasant, but then the next day I'd see my dads face covered in scratches and marks as it always was the day after an argument.

So I can't relate with 'please some help mum/us' it was more 'What are you both doing?'

I Think its the cliche'd response 'you made me hit you' I think perhaps 'I was restraining you is a slightly more manipulating evolution of that phrase.

I did grow up with some religion and often in those circumstances its simply a form of discipline, funnily enough only the wives need discipline.

thanks for the responses. I've told the lass elsewhere that it's a pretty common excuse, and also encouraged her to phone woman's aid.

I've heard two men describe being violent to their partners, without embarrassment.

One was someone of very low intelligence who had been caring for his disabled wife (he was the type who normally came across as a nice caring person, kind to animals etc) and she had been having a go at him about something and, as he put it, 'I had to hit her to shut her up.' So I guess that would fit into the 'for her own good' category. I think he genuinely thought he had done the right thing. There was a sort of profound cluelessness there.

The other was more intelligent and manipulative and he had a long involved explanation of why it was justified because she had been 'emotionally violent' to him (disagreed with him or something, I think).
He had grown up with a violent dad but he was intelligent enough to have worked out it was wrong, hence the need for the justification.

They're both different version of 'she made me do it', aren't they?

So sorry about your experiences, Magneto and Archemedes. x

Hitting his disabled wife

some people are scum, but its true i' say there are 2 catergories.

Thanks Tunip In hope that girl finds the strength to leave.
I think its largely to blame for the way I turned out , best way I can describe myself is 'unapoligetically blunt'.
Forums obviously get more heated, I'm much less so irl unless called for.
I speak to women in confrontation the same way I would speak to man, which i've come to notice is rare. that probably doesnt make any sense.

I'd have thought it almost always happens.

Men who abuse women blame their victims, it's another aspect of the abuse.

Sorry he did that to you SLTS.

'I speak to women in confrontation the same way I would speak to man, which i've come to notice is rare. that probably doesnt make any sense.'

makes total sense. We tend to adjust the way we talk to people according to gender, age etc without even noticing.

My Ex used to tell me that I had a low pain threshold and that he couldn't possibly have hurt me.

He used to say to me I'll do X if you do Y. Then, when he did it, told me that it was my fault because he told me he'd do it, if I carried on doing X.

He's just split with his current partner. I've heard that he had to "restrain" her a couple of times and nearly strangled her in an argument. But, it wasn't his fault. She made him angry.

At least she's left him now, too.

I'm just thinking of how often you see scenes of a "hysterical" woman being slapped, or grabbed by the shoulders, or restrained in some way in films - as if this provides some miracle cure for a distressed person - but only a distressed female person. Can you imagine a scene in a movie where a man is losing it big time, another man slaps him in the face, and everything is tickity boo after that? No, I don't think so.

Yes, I agree it's just another variation on the common excuse of perpetrators that they were somehow "compelled" to use force, which means they don't believe they should be held responsible for their actions. Pah.

good point Kritiq. 40s and 50s films are full of it but you still see it today.

Women's anger is seen as hysteria, from my own experience, it was ok for ex to get up in my face and scream at me, but it was never ok for me to shout back. Shouting back meant I was losing control and needed to be restrained. I don't like remember that part of my life, it makes me sad and pissed off.

remembering

I remember my ex pinning me to the bed 'for my own good' when I was 'hysterical'. Having him kneel on my arms and shout in my face didn't help me feel calm.

I remember being told by an elderly and very traditional (male) barrister that 'I was restraining her, she was hysterical' was a bog-standard bolt-on 'explanation' from spouse-defendants charged with assault.

I was in an abusive relationship once. Only once, thankfully. I was dragged around by my hair, I was punched 'for my own good' and generally browbeaten. The final straw was when my sac was torn open and a teste dropped out. I left her after that, I didn't even go back for my clothes.

That's so awful, Hedley. :(

The creep who is now my XSIL locked my DD in the bedroom as she had lost it and attacked her two boys aged 12 and 14 and told them it was because their mum had upset him and it was her fault he lost his temper.He never raised his hands again to her or the boys after their uncles had a quiet word with him.Say no more !!! these men would not be able to confront a man in the same circumstances I'm sure.