Do I need to have an OB/GYN and AIBU to not want a male one?

[Napdamnyou]

I live abroad, on a small island, and it seems to be expected here that women will regularly see an OB/GYN. However, all those practising here are male. I am overdue for a cervical smear and I think you are meant to have one after giving birth? (DS is 14 mo). But I am hideously reluctant to be examined by a male ( rape survivor, further traumatised by forensic exams in hospital to gather evidence for court case).

Can someone advise on whether I NEED regular OBGYNS appointments as I am not pregnant, and whether I am BU in flinching from idea of male performng pelvic or vaginal exams?

Have posted here rather than AIBU because can't really face people piling in to tell me to pull myself together. FWIW, I had home birth in UK before moving here and refused all but one VE even from female midwives because the prices tends to cause terrifying flashbacks, Vaginismus etc which was obviously not ideal when labouring so I declined and hid in the birthing pool even though it was cold. I have not had a smear since the rape, although I tried twice, but was unable to continue with procedure as started involuntarily bucking off the exam table and shaking too hard.

There is a possibility I could ask a female midwife to perform a smear, and get prescribed temazepam or similar beforehand, but I would be tricky to arrange as not usual and would need to find one who could do it and be covered by insurance. (similar to USA health insurance system)

Thanks for any advice.

PS. I wish more women worked as OBGYNS. Apparently the insurance liability premiums and antisocial hours put them off (have asked around).

Prices? Process. Sorry. Phone.

Have you had any counselling or hypnotherapy to work through what happened? I might be tempted to look further into dealing with the PTSD type effects first, rather than concentrating on the smear test per se. First things first, etc.

Fwiw, I had a male ob/gyn in Germany and it was fine (I actually found the male nurse administering rectal suppositories post cs more traumatic) but I don't have the same history. And your issue sounds less to do with men if I'm honest, as you were also unable to allow female midwives to perform more intimate procedures.

Maybe investigate what support and counselling facilities are available through insurance (tbh it tends to be much better coverage than paltry NHS facilities) and postpone the smear test for a bit longer? in theory I think you probably are overdue, but if you have a high risk tolerance then a few more months probably won't make much difference statistically... Not sure what the incidence of cervical cancer is like and treatment rates at different levels of detection though. I was on annual tests post dd1 due to some changes but back on usual schedule now.

I've been known to put off smears myself though. I worked in an environment where I knew most of the doctors and found it really bizarre to contemplate exposing myself in that way with blokes I was likely to bump into in the canteen the following day. (hmm, just realised that I've probably had more men performing smear tests than women overall... That is weird. Hadn't occurred to me before. They were all chaperoned though.)

Heeps of sympathy Nap. I also find gynacological examinations extremely hard for much the same reasons. I think outofbody speaks wise words. But if you are unable to get such help, I will share my top tips of how I have managed to get through smear tests up until now.

1. I think you ought to persevere with looking for a female gynecologist or midwife to do the procedure. You need to take baby steps and if you ever become more relaxed about the idea you can always find a male one who is more convenient. I still go with exclusively female practitioners.
2. If you are going privately, wherever you are, try and organize two appointments. In the first explain you have a phobia (you don't have to say why) and need kid gloves treatment. Ask what can be done to help you and make it less traumatic for you. Second time take someone with you to hold you hand and reassure you before, during and after. I have taken friends and recently DP. Make sure you inform the doc that you will be accompanied then there is no objections on the day.
3. Practice how you will behave before you go. If you can face it, imagine the procedure step by step (ask the doc/ midwife to explain it to you in the first appointment) and how long it will take (so you can count down in your head!) Practice taking deep breaths and relaxing. (if you can get hold of a hypnotherapy tape you can learn how to make yourself relax at will, it's very useful in stressful situations).
4. If you find that you can't go through with it in the end, don't panic. You will be able to reschedule and face it when you think you at more ready.

you will get through this. Just don't force anything. All in your own time.

Thanks for the good advice, I hadn't thought of counselling here although had heaps (which I paid for) back in UK? It addressed almost all the PTSD issues but I never got round to gynae exams as I thought I had more pressing reactions to deal with...I guess I can look not it. I'd kind of hoped that emigrating and starting a new life with DS and DH would put it all behind me and TBH this is the only hangover from the rape. I don't really want to repen it all and bring it back not my new life. But then again, I can't avoid gynae exams forever. I am gutted that I won't be able to have another baby here as things stand because of the inability to get an all female team. I can't postpone it because of my age so it looks like DS will be an only child which is had, but then again I feel very blessed to have him at all because I thought I might never be able to have children for a long time,because of the fallout from the attack which took years to get through.

The man who attacked me got 12 years for attacking me and other women so that is something at least to be positive about, and generally life is good apart from this one leftover side effect.

:)

Thanks again.

Not = into, this stupid phone is really annoying me, sorry.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you, Nap. It sounds like the right kind of counselling (and don't be afraid to shop around if you don't like the first one) might be helpful for all kinds of reasons, not just your GYN health.

I'm in the USA and 'ought' to have my own gynae because it seems all women do, but I found a midwife for my pregnancy and birth and then just go to my (lovely, female) GP for all smears. She doesn't mind, I don't mind, much easier. Do you like your regular doctor and would she do it?

I try to only use female practitioners too. Everyone else has given helpful advice but I just wanted to say that it's shit that you have to deal with this, but I do admire your attitude :)

Thanks again. I haven't got a GP here either but am sure I can find a female one and ask if she will do smears or if the surgery nurse could do it.

Some good ideas about small steps and will do my best to instigate, thanks again.

You can do it Nap. You sound like you have been very strong this far.

And as for children, I don't want to sound flippant, but have you considered the thought of an elective c-section? Or going back to the Uk for the birth? I am just so sad that this is stopping you having another child if you and your DP would like one.

If I am being , again I am sorry.

insensitive

Just wanted to add that a woman is NEVER being unreasonable by not wanting a male obgyn. It's your right not to have a PTSD attack just from visiting a doctor. If that can be prevented, do it.
I would never want a male obgyns because there have been ones arrested for sexually assaulting their patients here recently, not worth the risk!

No YANBU - definitely. I am a secretary to a female OB/GYN and I also only see female ones myself.

Good luck

Well some good news, have found an all female GP surgery where the female GPs are happy to do routine smears.

As to having a baby with a make OBGYNs delivering, I have decided to try for another child and if I get pregnant, instead of registering with a male OBGYNS to see female midwives for routine checks at the public hospital and when it comes to the birth, look at hiring an independent midwife from USA. Insurance may not cover it but let's cross the bridge if it comes to it, since at 41 there's no guarantee I will get pregnant anyway.

Thanks again.

that sounds really positive.

I'm really pleased to hear this Nap. That sounds great. I am also glad to hear of you feeling more positive about the possibility of another baby. I really hope you can manage all this!