How to object to an offensive comment without sounding prim or apologetic ?

[Bumperlicious]

I was part of a friendly non work-related conversation with colleagues today, talking about social media. One of my colleagues (well actually he about 3 grades up my management chain) said something about enjoying 'Facebook rape'.

I said "you can't say that, it's not a nice thing to say" he said something about yes, he shouldn't do it but it's funny when he does it to his wife. I replied it wasnt the act I objected to but the use of the term rape, and then said "sorry, just speaking from my feminist soapbox" He agreed with my complaint and the conversation ended affably.

A couple of minutes later I popped by his desk and apologised if he thought I spoke out of turn, not about what I said, but for saying what I did in front of everyone else, especially when he is my boss's boss's boss!

He was completely fine about it, said I was completely right and no need to apologise. I may not have got such a friendly response from a different boss.

Anyway, my point is, what is the best way to tackle that sort of situation, especially giving the differing levels of seniority? How do I respond in a less prim and less apologetic fashion?

Yes all women could do with dropping the word sorry a lot of the time. Sounds like you did well though for challenging him.

I would agree that there isn't the need to apologise for stating something you believe to be right. There's certainly no need to apologise for being a feminist or on a soapbox! :) If a person is offended by what one has said, then they have a problem, not you!

I find often a short, blunt statement hits home in such situations. To be honest, I don't actually know what "Facebook Rape" is, being not very Facebook-savvy. However, if someone made a joking reference to something, using the word "rape" as part of it, I'd probably say something like . . .

"Have you thought about how using the word "rape" could be hurtful to people who have actually been raped? Perhaps you didn't mean to be so unkind, but it can be very painful for those who've had the awful experience of being raped to have it belittled and joked about in that way."

It's a kind of, "had you thought about what you've said, the harm it causes and why?" approach rather than a telling them off approach. The aim is that hopefully they'll think about it and not do it again.

Oh, if there was a "rolled eyes" emoticon, that would be my response. Gah!

Yes my sister in law refers to it as 'frape'. I can't say I like the word to be trivialized in this way or indeed any other 'jokey' way. It makes me uncomfortable because it really can't be mistaken for anything but what it really means.

Whenever I hear someone using the 'n' word to mean 'friend' my face just drops because I'm shocked to hear it, never mind what the person meant by it.

I'm just amazed you apologised so much!

And you didn't have to excuse it with "fem soapbox" either. I think it's perfectly fine to calmly speak your objection.

i wouldn't have apologised so much but i'd also 'de-personalise' my objection by objecting to the term itself rather than the person saying it.

so for example:
"ha ha, it's so funny when i frape my wife"
Me: "ouch that's a horrible term, i hate that word"
Others: ?
Me: "well hijacking somebody's facebook is just a joke, but rape's not exactly something to joke about is it?"

Ditto what maybenow said.

Although, you'd be amazed how many people think it's ok to joke about rape under "Free Speech" and all that jazz...

I suppose hijacking isn't a laughing matter either though, if we are going to be pedantic...

I think that as I get older, a well-placed "I beg your pardon?" sometimes has the desired effect . Wait for an explanation, and then calmly ask, as if you are genuinely enquiring, "and that is like being raped how exactly? I imagine it must be rather upsetting for some people to hear the word used like that."

In truth, I'd probably just gabble though- it's hard to get this stuff right when you are on the back foot.

Is that in the voice of Lady Bracknell from Importance of being earnest LeBOF?

Agree with the apologising comments but I think you did well to comment to him. It can be daunting in public.

Absolutely

Thanks for all the replies, sorry to take so long responding.

The hardest issue for me here was (well, apart from sounding apologetic, I would be like that anyway) is the fact that he was so senior to me. As it was he completely accepted my objection and was very nice about it, but it could have gone another way with another person. If he had complained to my boss about me (that's the way things work in my place) would he have been within his rights to complain about me making my complaint in front of everyone else? Or should I be able to state my issue in public regardless of grade.

I know I am over thinking this now, but I just want to be able to make my point about these things in a way that people say "You know what, you're right", rather than wondering away muttering "PC gorn mad". It's not about making a point, it's about changing attitudes isn't it?

I hate the term facebook rape/frape. I think I'd've said pretty much that: 'urg, I can't stand that phrase'. Then if they want to ask what you think's wrong with it, they will - and if not, at least you can hope they won't use it again around you.