are we doing dd a disservice by not giving her pink dollies?

[MamaChocoholic]

dp and I have bought dd (15mo) toys we think she will like, but these are the same sort of things we buy for our dss (trucks, baby lego, musical things) although there are also a couple of dolls and a toy kitchen about the place. dp is now worried that dd will be unable to fit in at school because we won't have taught her all the social stuff that most girls will know. should we worry?

this has also led me to a more general question: if you choose not to conform to gender stereotypical treatment of your dcs, how do you also prepare them to live in a world where gender stereotyping and objectification of women is ubiquitous?

We are all bringing up our DCs to live in an imperfect world; you deal with this as you would any imperfection - by giving age appropriate explanations. This has the additional benefit of expecting the DC from an early g to think about what they are doing and why (an important foundation for many aspects of what parents need to teach children on the way to independence).

Did any of your DSs particularly like their dolls? How did you deal with it that way round? This isn't really any different.

What 'social stuff' does your DP think your DD will be missing out on?

Our DD did have dolls (mostly gifts from other people) - they largely lived naked in a drawer. She hada doll's pram, which I don't think I ever saw occupied by a doll, it was for her precious cuddly dogs to ride in

As long as your DC have access to a broad choice of different toys - there is no need to worry.

Young children do a lot of role play and dolls fit into that - for boys and girls.

I have two boys. They had access to dolls which they both played with when they were little.

DD is the same age. She has a few rag dolls but they are treated much like her teddies. She likes to put them down for a nap, covered with a blanket and patted. She also offers them drinks with her stacking cups. We haven't "taught" her this and we don't buy tons of pink stuff. I would imagine that lots of boys would do the same. She has years to pick up the "social stuff" and by its nature it is not taught, just absorbed. If she doesn't have it when she starts school, she will have got it within a week. I'd hope you DS is exposed to typically female things too.

I am trying to prepare my DDs to find their way in the world with strong self-esteem, where anything seems possible to them, where they aren't defined by other people's expectations but by their own personalities and strengths.

So we try to give them the opportunity to try anything, and encourage anything (appropriate) they show an interest in. This means offering a wide range of toys and not limiting their choice according to gender.

How would this mean a DD wouldn't fit in at school?

I think it's more limiting to restrict your DD's access to trucks etc. The best of all worlds is if she has a range of toys to choose from and can play with what she likes.

And if everyone brought up their DC like this there wouldn't be ubiquitous gender stereotyping and everyone would fulfil their individual potential .

The "social stuff" I think girls (and boys) need is things like: respect for yourself and other people, tolerance, a moral compass, self-esteem, a sense of humour, a positive outlook and so on. Not how to play with dolls and My Little Ponies. That's the easy stuff to figure out!

My take on toys are that they are either suitable for my children, or not. I try not to view them as stereotypical girls/boys toys. Similarly with clothes, although DD does veer towards the pink through her own choice.

My mum on the other hand, drives me insane with 'oooh no that's a GIRL'S doll, DS...look at this truck instead...'. I bollock her all the time about it. The latest one was that she actually apologised for having used a 'pink princess' huggies nappy of my DD's on him when he slept over there. I'm sure she thought his winkie was going to shrivel up and drop off because of it!! Does make me giggle though, because she seems to have forgotten that my brother insisted on spending the first 10 years of his life wearing a tutu...

I saw linked elsewhere and it made me smile - a little girl ranting about pink.

Don't panic yourself.
Plently of time to play with dolls. When girls play with dolls they copy what they see in real life, so as long as she's not locked in the cupboard she will know how to play with them.
We have loads of baby dolls for my dds, neither of them play with them. They much rather cars, Lego, drawing and drawing.

Loved the video onemorning! It is a bit like my DS who is currently bemoaning the fact that he got a ton of science books for Xmas. I enjoy reading them though!

I wouldn't call it a disservice but she might like one. I got 18mo DS a pink dressed doll for Christmas and he loves it. It did occur to me that I would have thought twice about it if he was a DD.
I think its fine as long as she has a selection of different types of toys and not just 'boy' or 'girl' ones.

well i bought my dd a rag doll for her bday, she also has numerous soft toys (many her brothers) my sil bought her a my first baby annablel for xmas and she does seem to like it, along with her happyland pink windmill [boak] bought by mil, but she also likes the boys hot wheels cars, infact anything that her brothers are playing with she likes! we alreayd had a toy cooker and pushchair etc and have just got the kids a mix of toys regardless of whether they are boy or girl (my just 7 yr old ds3 LOVES all things tinkerbell and fairy related)

i dont think you are harming your dd in any way!

I don't think she needs to 'learn' anything about 'toys' to not be a social outcast before she starts school :) I do think though that you need to be careful not to go too far in the opposite direction and not allow her traditional 'girls' toys just to prove a point. I'd buy a doll/truck for a boy or a girl if I thought they'd enjoy it.

If only parents were that influential!

Don't worry. The outside world will soon tell your DD her place is in the salon or the stable.

I just bought my daughter things I thought she would enjoy. I don't think there's any need to veto the dollies - they are a perfectly good toy. When DD was very small, around your daughter's age, it was duplo, blocks, a ride on thingummy, bucket and spade, whatever. But as she's got older she has expressed a clear preference for dolls, toy buggies, soft toys and craft stuff. I think it's just her personality. All you can really do is not present toys as boys or girls stuff and keep saying when children or other people refer to them as such that that isn't necessarily true. By the time they get to preschool/school, almost every other child will be doing this so it's probably a good plan to get this kind of idea entrenched early! I remember being furious with my stupid SIL for telling DD that her beloved Buzz Lightyear was a boy's toy. Fortunately, DD was young enough to just accept that I was quite right and SIL was mistaken (and she still adores her Buzz, who she tucks tenderly into bed most nights and feeds with a tiny toy spoon).

I guess our toys are more of a boy selection than a broad selection, partly because I don't like playing with many "girl toys", partly because they are mostly inherited from ds1 who had an early fascination for cars and emergency vehicles. we do have a couple of dolls, and if she seems to like them we will certainly get more. I will draw the line at a pink ironing board though!

Having been a tomboy at school, I was worried dd wouldn't fit in with the girls and it would be our fault. but at the same time, I do hate that toys are aligned to a particular gender.

I've been thinking more carefully though, and when ds1's best friend at nursery tells him pink is for girls, we help him with things he can say in reply (ds1's favourite colour is pink) rather than convince him he should fit in and stop liking pink. there are lots of other ways our dc will differ from the mainstream, and not conditioning dd to follow the pink regime is just another one that we can deal with the same way. I wouldn't ever tell her she couldn't have a toy she wanted because it was a boy or girls' toy.