Can you help me explain why I'm not comfortable with this

[KD0706]

To cut a long story short DHs family think I am being a loon. DH bought a calendar for his brothers Christmas present. The pictures on the calendar were women 'partaking' in brothers favourite sport, wearing bikinis and posing provocotavily. It's not a sport you'd usually trounce around in bikinis for.

I said I wouldn't wrap the present, DH could do it himself and that I thought it counted as soft porn and I didn't want DD being raised to have the attitude that women are just there to be objectified by men.

DH handed over the calendar at family Christmas and announced to everybody that it wasn't wrapped because I didn't approve of it. His family, including his mum and SIL think I'm mental because the women aren't topless and his mum keeps asking me to explain the problem.

It's not keeping me awake at night, I'm not making a huge song and dance about it. But the family, mil in particular, are mystified at me and determined to understand my reasoning/thinking.

Why did your DH have to make this an issue with his whole family for you is the first thing that comes to my mind. Why didn't he just wrap it himself and how does you not approving explain the gift not being wrapped if he chose to give it anyway???

If all his family thought that was an adequate explanation for the non wrapping, you're going to have an uphill struggle explaining your concerns about the calendar.

I'm a bit concerned by your husband's attitude to be honest- is he really crap at wrapping? Or is it "your job"?

Is he usually a sexist at home, or does he treat you as worthy of respect and an opinion. If he wanted it wrapped, he should have done it.
I'd be laughing and pointing out that I'm not a bimbo and neither will my daughter be one. I find entrenched sexism in families is best dealt with by ridicule and challenge than anger.

My MIL thinks that women who "mess men around" deserve to be raped, so you have my sympathy btw. I've tried debating these things with her but it gets me nowhere.

Why are you supposed to wrap the presents. Is your dh short on hands?

You don't like the calendar because it sexually objectifies women and treats them as nothing more than eye candy for men.

Your dh sounds like a big old sexist. He's also a wanker for announcing the argument between you and him to his whole family to get them against you too.

What are his good points?

I'm more concerned that you are expected to be the 'wrapper' and if you don't do it you are humiliated at the dinner table.

Would your DP have bought a calendar like this for himself if he'd had a choice?

Also if his family and your husband don't see the problem with this calendar get this one and stick it on your living room wall the next time they come round.

That calendar's not the equivalent though unfortunately, thunder. All that ripped muscles and sport is a male fantasy about masculinity, not a female one. And it wouldn't stand against a historical backdrop of male objectification.

Perhaps a calendar with Mr December wrapping non-sexist Christmas presents?

I would ask them to explain why they are not bothered.

I don't understand the comment about it not being wrapped because you didn't approve of it. Surely it was the calendar itself you didn't like, not the concept of it being wrapped. I don't get how your 'disapproval' prevented your DP from wrapping the present but not from actually giving it!

You sound a bit over-involved anyway. I had no idea what DP had bought for his relatives until I saw them open the presents yesterday (now I think of it, I can't remember what he gave his brother, I wasn't paying much attention, but I doubt it was anything like that calendar!)

Ask them if it would be OK for them or their daughters to pose for this calendar.

This present sends the message loud and clear that your dp thinks it is OK to belittle women.

You have sent the message - publicly thanks to dp - that it isn't.

It would give the men in the room the uncomfortable feeling of being objectified Awayinamanger, which is a visceral experience. No it doesn't have the same history, but it would still make the point nicely.

Men who do this kind of thing do not like having the tables turned on them.

There's several problems - one is his purchase of the calendar and to think its okay, then there's the presumption that you'll warp it 'cause you should, then the worst bit is his attempt to humiliate you infront of his family.

Can you identify why you object to the calendar - and explain that to him first

Can you explain to him why wrapping it was just as much as his responsibility as yours

Thirdly, and most importantly, an apology for the humiliation. Even if he doesn't agree with your viewpoint and stance, to demean and denigrate you in front of anyone, much less family is poor form, bad manners and this would anger me much more than the first two things.

As we can't see the calendar, then it is hard to say whether it is objectionable. Since the WI Calendar, there have been many examples - some funny, some crude; some well executed, some dire; some totally nude, some some partially; most for charity or upkeep of local facilities.

I mention that as there will be some who think you are overreacting (I have to reserve judgement on that) and it may colour what happens next. You didn't say in OP if your DH has done things like this before - and I'm assuming you'd mention it I he had.

Tellingly, you do not say anything about what DH said when you expressed your concern about what was depicted. Please could you come back and tell us?

It's really difficult to make sense of what he did next without that.

Showing you up deliberately in front of others is the action of a boor.

I think you have done very well tbh OP to stand up and say how you feel in this situation.

Have read through Object's FAQs - they might help give you some clarity.

Your husband doesn't sound very nice. Is he usually like this?

I think DH is coming out quite badly in this. Which I guess I knew he would, to a certain extent justifiably.

He bought the calendar because he thought it would be an amusing present for his brother. He wouldn't want his daughter, sister, wife, posing in a calendar (or whatever) like that. But he thinks it's on the just ok line of acceptable because the women had on bikinis. If they had been topless it would have been unacceptable.

The wrapping thing is random but I do enjoy wrapping and tend to take on that job. DH is historically rubbish at wrapping and does things like wrapping gifts in the bag they came in, one year he wrapped all his presents in tin foil. (this is pre and post me). So I do tend to do all our wrapping but not really in a little subservient wifey kind of a way, just because we split roles based on what we're good at. Eg he does weekend mornings with DD because he wakes at 7am anyway, whereas I like to sleep till 9!!

I told him I wanted nothing to do with the present so when he handed it over he said it was his wrapping and I had disowned the present. I can understand it sounds like he was being a twat and he was a bit I guess but not as much as he's coming across!! I wasn't actually embarrassed at all. I'm just bemused that nobody else (except my mum who is a major feminist) saw any issue with it and that DHs mum wont let the matter drop.

As a random aside can I tell you that DHs mum bought his brother a pair of boxers this year with a picture of a helicopter on them and the words I've got a big chopper. And got DH a model snowman with an extra carrot representing his penis.
So the rest of the family soon forgot about the skimpy laydeez on the calendar!!

Sorry thunder I was just musing off on a tangent!

It sounds he comes from a family with rather different approach to gift giving, and taste/humour background.

It sounds, in light of later post, that DH does not mean to cause offence. This is a really good start point to work with. I'd leave further comment on nature of calendar (he's heard it) and wrapping duties (infrequent anyhow, and need to be balanced against wider picture of ability and general domestic weight pulling).

I'd concentrate on the actions in front of his family, because it did seem as if he was deliberately showing you up (unless there is any chance he meant it as an apologetic explanation and it came out wrong). If it weren't for MIL, then a quiet (ish) word with him about the effects of what he said would probably suffice. Actually, it might be worth taking this approach - tell DH how it's a pity this is now colouring family relations; it was his words that did it; now would he please go and fix it with MIL?

You'll probably need to work out with him what needs to be said to have maximum effect on MIL, but - despite this all rather arising from him saying things differently from how you wished - as it's his family, and message will be much more effective from him.

Don't forget MIL is being challenged on her own decision to tolerate and even perpetuate such attitudes within her family, so she's bound to be sensitive, even if she doesn't perceive it that way.

If he is historically rubbish at wrapping it sounds to me like he could do with the practice.