Loosing my faith in humanity(women?)

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I was brought up in a household that was volatile - (dad -alcoholic) but lucky enough with a mother who insisted gender was not an issue and tried very hard to provide some stability. I am 34 and appreciate my mam was ahead of her times. She NEVER commented on what I looked like or the clothes I wore. I realise how lucky I am.

I love reading,and without being boastful, would consider myself well read and well informed and consider myself a feminist. However, few people know this about me.Until recently, I have had many, many friends.

Since I got married however, I have found myself withdrawing from everyone. And this is something I vowed would never happen. I have started to see that most women/relations/ friends are primarily concerned with how I look and what clothes I wear.

I have been through a lot in life and achieved so many things I am proud of, like many women. What I look like, the weight I am and the clothes I wear are miniscule in the large scale of who I am, yet I feel this is what I am judged by constantly by others, especially my in laws. I know people commenting on what I look like is small talk, and trying to compliment me, but it makes me so mad!!!I am so much more than that.

I am avoiding being with women because I am realizing a lot of what they talk about concern their looks/ weight/ clothes and I am fed up with it. I have a beautiful baby daughter and am worrying how people's opinions's on her appearance/ clothes/ weight will affect her. I know I am strong enough to always ensure she is proud of herself, but find myself loosing myself in humanity and looks obsessed culture.

Do I need to wise up and stop taking things so seriously or start standing up and shouting 'no, fuck you, we are not defined by how we look?'

Have also posted on AIBU.

i think being reasonably newly married and a new mother gives you a whole new perspective on being a woman, and the societal expectations for the same. and it ain't necessarily a good perspective.

i don't see it as anything to do with other people particularly though - i think it has always been that way, but it hasn't affected you personally and directly before now.

for a woman who is used to working and being treated like an equal to find herself reasonably suddenly in a position where the default position is to conform to a very gender-based stereotype is a huge huge shock.

you are experiencing a very normal reaction (and have found that you are subconsciously conforming to it [grin what you do next is really up to you.

think of it as a pest of your feminism. tis easy to be a feminist when no-one is putting you in woman/ mother box. now that people are, what are you going to do about it? get in and close the lid? or clamber out and make sure that dh/ dp isn't being esconced in his own little man/ provider box?

honestly, a very normal reaction.

pest? test! dear god, i wish i could type.

You need my favourite quote:

You are not what where wear, who you fuck or what you buy. You are what you think, and what they do about what you think.

It is adapted from here.

You need to start hanging around in feminist spaces. Here, conferences, feminist groups, blogs etc.

See if there is a feminist group local to you (or set one up!). See ukfeminista.org.uk/.

Perhaps do some reading around feminism and motherhood.

I like the blue milk blog.

I also really recommend this book - Motherhood & Feminism.

You are not what you wear, who you fuck or what you buy. You are what you think, and what they do about what you think.

You just need to find more like-minded women I think. There are lots of us! Try approaching people, in a mum&baby group perhaps, who don't look like they've popped out of a fashion mag, join a feminist group, maybe do some volunteering if you have childcare for that.

Also remember that women with differing interests tend to use clothes as a bit of a safe topic that applies to everyone, it doesn't mean that's what they really think is important. Do they have kids themselves? Are they talking about clothes/appearances more now because they are desperately trying to avoid baby talk? Maybe they are focussing on it more than they normally would because so many women have low self-image/self-esteem after birth and want to give you a boost?

Maybe try changing the subject to something that interests you as quickly as you can without being rude and see if they respond? Then maybe you can gradually introduce them to your feminist thoughts and convert them . Good luck anyway and certainly don't lose faith in women, we're all individuals after all (despite the best efforts of the cosmetics and fashion industries)! At least you've got your priorities right and you'll be a great influence to your daughter.

Also, as your daughter grows up, you might want to do what I do with mine and get her a pile of books from the Amelia Bloomer Lists. I am a great believer that what children read is incredibly important to who they become and what they believe about the world. Check it out if you haven't already, I really think you might like it

libr.org/ftf/bloomer.html

Lovely lovely women. Many thanks.