Friend's DH is an arse

[irnbruguzzler]

I invited her on a night out. She never gets out and clearly wanted to go but didn't because her DH 'wanted to go to the gym'. He's a selfish pig isn't he? DF never gets a break, this was a rare opportunity. He can go to the gym anytime. How can I get her to see that he was being unreasonable and is borderline abusive/controlling?

Does this often happen or was this a one-off? I'm not sure that telling her that her DH is borderline abusive / controlling is necessarily going to be helpful without (a) clarifying that this is a regular occurrence and (b) some general chat about what you and she think is reasonable to expect in a relationship.

For example, DH and I feel that one of his friends is treated pretty poorly by her DH, but it seems to work for them and my DH respects his friend's choice of partner.

You give far too little information for anyone reasonable to form an opinion.

Does she have to spot him?! Why would that stop her?

She would have needed him to "babysit" ( yes his own dcs). It's the same story you hear all the time on rels board: he works, she's samh, his life unchanged since dcs, hers miserable. I don't think she's had a break in 4 years. He swans off to gym, she has no hobbies/ free time. They live somewhere she hates cos he won't move. Etc etc

It's really difficult. I have a friend who has a husband who is similar. She totally recognises what he's like. He 'lets' her go out occasionally but often she doesn't because he gets really arsey a few days before and if she doesn't change her mind is and arsehole for a few days after. She figures it's easiest to just not go out :(. Of course if he wants to go out that's fine

She knowa he's controlling and abusive but whenever she's gatting angry enough to consider leaving he starts the nice/considerate act for a bit.

That's because he's an arse.

Solidgoldbrass and AnyFucker have much to say on this, and all to the point. Mostly on the Relationships forum.