Our Feminist Mothers

[Thistledew]

This is inspired by my own thoughts and some comments I have read in this topic from people talking about how their mothers passed on their feminism.

My mother 'came into' feminism in the 70s and I consider myself fortunate that she brought me up in accordance with her principles. She instilled in me a strong sense that achievements are far more important than looks, that I should work hard at my education so that I could have the greatest range of life opportunities. She taught me that I should be financially independent and not to expect to rely on a man for anything; that I could achieve anything provided I was willing to work for it. I think that what she taught me has stood me in good stead, and I would hope to pass the same on to my children.

However, there are aspects of how she raised me that I would hesitate to pass on to my children. Two aspects in particular come to mind.

The first is to do with appearance. I was always clean and tidy, but things such as wearing makeup, shaving my legs, messing around with hairstyles and dressing in the latest (impractical) fashions was Disapproved Of (mum's disapproval was a powerful weapon). Now, I like to be stylish, but don't spend a great deal of time on my appearance. I like nice clothes, but only buy for what I need. Sadly, though, my lack of fashion sense was one thing (amongst others) that I was bullied for as a teenager, as it was yet another way that I didn't fit in with my peers.

The second, I do think that perhaps my mum got wrong was in her attitudes to relationships. I get where she was coming from with the idea that I should take every chance to be my own person, and should not define myself by a relationship with a man, but again the idea of having a boyfriend when I was a teenager was Disapproved Of. As I result I was very naive when I started my first proper relationship at the age of 19 (which later turned out to be abusive).

I have seen other people's posts on here suggesting that they would talk to their daughters about things such as shaving legs and wearing make up, but not discourage them from engaging in such practices if they wanted to do so to 'fit in'.

So my questions/ points to ponder:

Is this just how my mother chose to bring me up, or was this a trend amongst feminist women of their generation? Was there a trend for feminists of the 70s and 80s to bring up their children in accordance with quite strict feminist principles that do not exist now?

For anyone else who was brought up in such a way, would you pass on the same strict principles to your daughters or are you prepared to compromise some of your own principles in order to help them fit in with their peers?

Does this mean that we are just practicing feminism in a slightly different way than our mothers did, or are we in fact losing the battle, and 'fitting in' with patriarchal expectations is now an even more powerful force?

[I would also like to hear views from MNers who are old enough to be my mother and apologise for reminding you of your age salute your years and wisdom ]

Very intersting post, Thistledew - and resonates with me a lot as I had a similar upbringing.
My mother never 'came into feminism' in any formal way, but was unusual in that as an exceptionally talented scientist she was highly educated, economically independent and worked very successfully in an overwhelmingly male field.
She had exactly the same approach to relationships as what you describe, and I used to feel that in relation to women of my age who had more 'conventional' mothers I lost out in that I wasn't able to discuss them and I felt that I was consistently given the message that to engage in them was essentially self-indulgent and self-destructive. (this may have had more to do with my mother's very impressive and wonderful but far from perfect personality, rather than her philosphical/political views, though.)
No way would I take the same approach with DD, but I fully appreciate that so much has changed since then.

Yes, if we are teaching our daughters that relationships are more important (or as important) as being self-reliant, independent and fulfilled before focussing on them then that's regressive. But integrating relationships into all of that - which, I concede, can be difficult, particularly given the commercial bullshit that's thrown at young women these days - should be possible, and not a step backwards at all.

Perhaps as things move on, despite everything that's been won for us by our mothers' generation, we need to think quite carefully about the complexities of prioritising, now that (apparently) so much more is within reach for our daughters.

Very interesting topic.

That sounds pretty similar to my mum, who had us in the early 80s. I don't think she'd call herself a feminist, but similar values.

I don't think we're losing the battle. I think we're learning from what our mothers did. They were probably reacting to what their mothers did for them, trying to give us freedom from ideas they found repressive. Maybe they weren't perfect, but I think each generation we learn a bit more and get a bit closer to the ideal.

I do think it was quite characteristic of that generation to react against 'feminine' fashion/beauty, a lot of 70s fashion is deliberately androgynous. And I think quite a lot of women growing up and becoming mums then must have been impatient with their mothers insisting they should wear 'proper' makeup and so on ... it wasn't just feminist principles maybe.

That is exactly how I was brought up by mother in the eightees and ninetees too, and it lead to me having the same struggles at school and with boys,
I also didnt have a boyfriend until i was nineteen. I suppose in some ways it was good as I think many young girls now seem so bimbo like and image obsessed, however, it didnt mean the smoothest of teenage years for me. I think I will try and get more of a balance for my own daughter.

Don't know how typical this attitude was. I am a feminist and was one since I was in kindergarten - certainly long before the women of the 1970s suddenly apparently 'discovered' feminism (johnny come latelys, I prefer to think of them ). My DDs were born late 60s/early 70s and were indeed brought up to value education, to be independent and not to think of men as a bread ticket or to pander to boys i.e. male is not the default.

However, they were certainly allowed boyfriends and whether they shaved their legs, wore make-up or followed fashion was down to them and them alone. Both had a pretty interesting Goth period as I recall .

All part of being their own women, which IMO, feminism is all about.