Looking for best response to (annoying, sexist, male) co-worker instructing me to "Smile!"

[ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow]

I think I just frowned a bit and turned my face back to my workstation.

Am now fantasising about witty comebacks and googling for what the web has to offer. What are your faves, or retorts you have used?

Give them a stern look.

Say anything and they will think it is an invitation to start a conversation.

What a tosser! I hate this rubbish too. Pull the most hideous face you can manage instead? Give him a blank dead-to-me stare and hold it for a good 5 seconds then turn back to computer? Or just say 'sorry, what?', which will force him to either leave it, or repeat it in which case he will sound like a massive arse to anyone who's listening?

Give an instruction back with no smile. i.e. 'do up your flies' even if they are already done up and then turn back to your work and ignore.

Or smile followed by 'Make me a tea, would you love, there's a pet?'

I go [hhmm]. Or gritted teeth grimace, which is what dd1 (3) always does when asked to smile for photos.

Yes, keep on asking him to repeat what he said in the most gently condescending manner you can achieve. 'Sorry? What was that? I don't think I heard you properly. You'll have to speak up, what was it you wanted to ask me?'

Tell him you'll smile when he bogs off.

Poke your Tongue out at him.

i know someone who once replied to a 'smile!' with 'my nan's dead' and burst into tears.

when the bloke said 'oh, er. sorry x' she stopped crying and said 'not really. but you're still an arse' and got up and walked off.

he hasn't told her to smile since, mind. but i'm not sure i could pull it off. and it doesn't quite cut the 'quit patronising me' mustard, however effective it was at the time.

i do stick to 'piss off' myself. and an irate glower.

Try 'I'm saving my smiles for the day the patriarchy is over thrown dear, now pop off and make us a brew, will you?'

"Why?"
or
"No."

Had I been in that situation I'd have given the dictionary definitions.
1.to assume a facial expressionindicating pleasure, favor, or amusement, but sometimes derision or scorn, characterized by an upturning of the corners of the mouth.
2.to regard with favor: Luck smiled on us that night.
3.to have a pleasant or agreeable appearance or aspect, as natural scenes, objects, etc.: The landscape smiled in the sunlight

If he's stayed with me until point 3, he'd look slightly puzzled, I'd then give a broad smile and follow it with "sorry, did I mishear you and you mentioned piles ?'

I would say that unless you're already at war, it's better not to be really antagonistic to someone you work with, even if they're being a pest. Maybe WilsonFrickett's response could be toned down to "No smiles until the revolution comes, comrade". It could be "until the patriarchy falls" but that makes it seem like women versus men, which puts you on opposite sides. He can trot off wondering what the revolution is about and if he'll be allowed to live after it.

"Why, did you say something funny?"

I know someone who responded with a dazzling smile and a bright and breezy "Fuck off!"

Tell him you will if he falls down the stairs.

"Why, have you developed a terminal illness"?

Personally I think you are getting some bad advice here.

Do not react with a comment, it will only get worse.

Look at him, frown shake you head.
Maybe say "see you at the tribunal". Put the fear of god into him.

I am sick of being asked "but who is looking after the children?" when I am at work?! Like I have forgotten to consider this, usually followed by "but don't you miss them?" I work away often and need help with non-offensive but witty retorts...

Sorry last message meant to post elsewhere - stupid iPhone, good day.

I'd go with
"no, you're wrong. It's a frown. Now fuck off and do some work and let me do mine".

If I were in that kind of mood.

Or
"What is there to smile about exactly?"

"I only smile at funny things. You're not funny. Funny-looking, maybe. But not funny. Now go away."

I'm with Starlight i.e. say, 'Make me a tea, would you love, there's a pet' or some such. You could add an Edina-style, 'Sweetie darling,' for good measure. Or, 'I'll smile when you go away.'

"Try working with insensitive colleagues like you, and see if you smile"