Is it easier to combine a career and motherhood if you are a younger Mum?

[margerykemp]

Years ago I read hunger which basically said that if you want both a high powered career and to be a mother then your best chance is to have your first child before you are 26.

That's what I did and a decade on it's still to early to see how my long term career will compare to my contemporaries who start families in their late 30's.

As a feminist I dont know what advice I'd give to younger women/DD.

Anecdotally younger Mums I know seem to have more energy/drive to go back to work and have partners who are more 'hands on' Dads than men 20 years older but they seem to lose out in terms of relationships (more frequently left as single mums) and have to suffer the stigma from society of being a 'young' Mum- and I'm talking about women in their 20's not teenagers.

No I don't, I had DD at 21 and wasn't able to go back to work as my wage and DH's at the bottom of the ladder was far too low to cover childcare even for one child I am still a SAHM now and pg with my 2nd as it seemed best to get my baby days over with in one go so I could go back to work saying "I'm definately not having any more children." Maybe that will work but I suspect I will just be late twenties and starting at the bottom again.

I do have some work history at least, but not nearly as much as friends who've had babies in their late 20s and have done really well getting back into work, quite often they've had a career change and are doing something they really want to after years of jobs they were less keen on.

Self-employed now but at my last employer there was a very clear distinction. Women who had children in their 20s were essentially seen as disposable. They were easily replaced and did not have important enough jobs that the risk of them not returning from ML was a threat to the business.

Women who had children in their 30s had reached a point in their career where they were valued and important employees and every effort was made to retain them and ensure they came back full-time after ML - including payment of team bonuses and commissions while on ML, and substantial payrises as a form of 'Welcome Back' on returning from ML.

This was a very high-level technical consultancy, so experienced engineers in their 30s were considered as very valuable (and hard to replace) assets, compared to recent graduates who were ten a penny.

Never I think you have to look a bit deeper though. For example, I did faff about a lot when I was in my 20's - drama school, auditions, filler jobs, then a couple of serious jobs before literally falling into a career. This wasn't because I'm a woman, and indeed most of the men I went to drama school with are either in similar positions or are still struggling actors.

My DH OTOH had a very traditional route of uni, one short-term job, then into his industry and his career, so by the time I met him (32) he was already a company director earning mega-bucks while I was a switchboard operator in a hotel (lots of time off for auditions ). So, I was around 15 years behind him in terms of a career. Even if I had never had DC I don't think I could ever have made that income gap up.

So when we did have DS it was me who went part-time, and when it became clear that DS needed extra support it was me who persued redundancy and it's me who freelances around everyone else. While I resent some of the 'wifework' I honestly don't think gender came into our situation, apart from the mat leave element, and as I said above, my return to work was extremely positive career wise.

Although agree he's probably not sitting on a boy site discussing this type of topic!

Exactly my case, malinois. It was very difficult to find a decent job as a recent graduate - ten a penny, as you say. No company would have taken special measures to keep me - easier to hire another one.
I am more valuable now.

Yes AnnieMac I have been in a committed relationship since my DH and I got together - we were together since I was 20 so we have been together 20 years. He is used to me working hard - I came from a poor background - held 3 part time jobs through university - as had to look after myself financially since the age of 16 years of age. He has been nothing but supportive and I really do think I have worked my butt off. Even when I progressed to roles where I did not have to work weekends or 16 hour days - until 3 year years ago I studied at weekends. I have never ever had a day off work sick - as thankfully I have had really excellent health.

Yes I now realise that leaving a job was silly and having 7 months out of work is a real game changer - but you know I just figured employers, might just might want to reference check my past experience. Surely 7 months not working outside the home - does not mean that I have lost all my other years of experience? But I do realise it is MUCH MUCH easier to get a job if you are in a job.

My DH and I didn't have children earlier probably because we had huge university fees to consider that we are still paying off, it was really difficult (but not impossible) to get the money together for a house. And to both come from a situation where you had no financial support from your family (or actually had to provide your family with financial support) well then I suppose it makes you value work differently. If you have to work when you are young then you realise how important work is in terms of living pay check to pay check.

I was very valued at my last firm but I now realise that that was specific to that firm and the current economy means that I am now in a very different position now (in that previously I had built up loyalty and provided excellent experience and value to my employer).

Angry - I think I can use the word sabotage as it means 'undermining of a cause' which even though I did it to myself is still the case, because 8 years ago I'm not sure I really understood the implications of my choices.

Wilson - I know some men too who reduce their hours etc to pick up the slack at home with kids, but I think they are very much in the minority. Around here its mostly mum's working in the corner shop or waitressing at the cafe 'because it fits in around the kids'.

I do realise I am undermining myself now though, which is why I'm going to get off MN and get on with my MSc dissertation!

Never I think the issue is that the work that many women do, bringing up children, being out there in society holding it all together, allowing someone else to go out all hours of the day and night to earn money - is an example of how the economy simply does not value in any shape or form what SAHM's or Parents do.

Anniemac Thank you for your well wishes. I fully intend getting back into FT Work as soon as someone hires me and I will keep you all posted. I know that unfortunately there are not any decent part time roles that I could do. Decent Part time roles get snapped up my incumbents and are not open to those who apply directly.

And when I do get that role I hope I can employ people again at some time as part of that role , as I have in other roles, and I will continue to recruit on merit rather than all making assumptions about working parents or the status of others. I will be sure to dump a great deal of the so called "recruiters" who have been pathetic in their sexist approach to me.

I have managed to find contract work until now but I want and need to get back on track career wise.

I think the thing is, that there are many, many variables that affect career progression, that non alone can explain this. I have "faffed about" much more than DH (travel, pg education, McJobs). DH's family is quite traditional, there was an expectation that he would go to uni and then start building a proper career to support his family asap (even though he was not in a relationship of any sort through uni). Maybe this is where the sexist approach lies? It may be my family, it may be my liberal education, but I certainly never felt an expectation to build a career, I did it all because that is what I wanted.

I don't think age makes so much difference, but the number of dc does, and the spacing, and whether they have SN of any kind, and how much the parenting is shared between the parents.

I was doing quite a good job of keeping career and 2 children on track but that whimsical decision to pop a 3rd one out did make quite a difference to my career path. Not complaining (much, well, not all the time) cos I like having 3 dc but I can see a big difference in career terms from if I'd stuck with the 2 close together that I originally intended. It's not just the effort of it all, or just the cost, or the childcare arrangements, but but it feels to me that each child tips you a bit more into full-on-family-life and a bit less into full-on-career-path, whatever you originally intended.

It's very interesting reading about the different perspectives and experiences. Ultimately, I think we're mostly still saying that it depends on the person and industry. TheBride, I think you have a point that over a decade two 6/9 months leave don't make any difference but the timing of maternity leave does have a significant on whether a career progresses on the same trajectory.
Its interesting that across different industries posters have said people are more expendable in their 20s and more valuable in their 30s.

I wonder about the impact of ambition on career trajectory. Have people become more or less ambitious after having children and has that had an impact, especially if they had dcs in their 20s?

Enjoying this thread. I'm one of those who was older when becoming a mother - I had my DS at 39. Struggled for 5 long years to have him, though, and was convinced it would never happen. In those gloomy times when I was facing a childless future, I wished society was better geared up to make young parenthood (e.g. combining having babies with studying) a more mainstream and better supported choice. Personally I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made that choice in my late teens/early 20s - I was very ambivalent about having children at all at that stage - but I wish the young parenthood option was easier for people.

In my early 30s when most of my friends had their babies I was involved in something fantastically exciting at work which was a real one-off opportunity. I don't think I'd have been able to throw myself into it in the same way if I'd been a mother then. So from a career perspective I don't regret the timings, but I wouldn't be able to say that so glibly if the huge gamble I took with fertility hadn't paid off in the end.

Sunhat, your perspective is interesting. I agree that a break as short as 7 months really shouldn't have a huge impact on your prospects. My position now is similar to yours - the work that I did in my 30s has come to a natural end now, and after a couple of months' break with DS I am looking for new opportunities and concerned about the same things as you. What industry are you in? Would you like to chat?

(I've lurked here on the feminism and other boards for a long time and learned so much; this interesting thread finally inspired me to join). Thanks all!

I think that I have a lot more flexibility now which I did not have when I was in my 20's in my career. Although I can't go back and test this out I think that if I had been pregnant then given the industry I was in I think it would have been the "end" of progression for career.

I do wonder if I would have had more energy though if I had had my dc younger though!

I think once you've had children it's more difficult to get a career going because

• it's harder to be able to be fully flexible and committed to a new career (late nights, early starts, impromptu meetings, travelling for work, training for 6 weeks/6 months at the other end of the country, to name a few reasons why more difficult)

• you are older than a lot of career-hungry graduates

• you are perceived rightly or wrongly as "family first, career afterthought" - a lot of companies might feel you weren't truly committed

If you do have a career under your belt, you are far more able to:

• afford childcare if you wish to go back to work

• negotiate shorter working hours/part time work, if you are valuable to your company before you have children they usually will try to accommodate your requests

• "coast" a little bit in your career whilst your children are young - you can have a breather in career-climbing then carry on if you wish when they are older

• command a higher wage/have a suitable car (this one's superficial I know but we mostly all work for money!)

What we DON'T all know is whether we will be able to have kids/meet the one to have kids with. So if it's very important to you to have kids then maybe it is best to focus on attaining that before anything else. It is luck not granted that any of us can have kids, and better than that, a decent partner to have them with.

Oh, and now I've had kids, my brain is bursting during key meetings with random thoughts like "Must get DD some gloves before the cold weather/pick up some Calpol on way home/call nursery - did they find missing shoe??/buy 4x presents for 4x kids birthday parties coming up".

It is a LOT harder to focus on work with kids in the picture.

Plus there is the sleep issue. And far more laundry. And no down-time at weekends. Phew. I would REALLY not have coped with that in my 20s.

This may come across as very ignorant or naive but another reason why I wanted to be a young mum (pregnant at 19 only 2 months after getting married) was the fear of not being fertile when in my 30's. I wanted a family for sure but I was happy to just 'manage' financially an not have a career as such.

Of course if you don't care about career then the reasoning about when to have kids is different. The OP asks about wanting "both a high powered career and to be a mother" though.

I care about career but I find that I can build one up in a few years and prioritised the family side of life. I have aspirations like most people.

I have been thinking about these questions recently.

I felt no urges to have children until I was 33. My mid-late twenties were not really filled with fun (one of my parents had terminal cancer for several years and died not long after I married at 27), so it took me a few years to process all that and get back to enjoying life again.

However, I was very lucky and became pregnant quickly, giving birth at 34. I had reached a senior point in my career (had a couple of starter jobs before settling down to something) but had reached a point of wanting to change. So when my employer turned down my flexible working request I decided to take some time out, reasoning that it would be fairly easy for me to pick up something part-time. However, it has been extremely difficult, much harder than I thought. I did not really anticipate the amount of competition that would be out there for part-time jobs and it has been quite demoralising at times. On the other hand, I think the senior experience on my CV has certainly helped to get me interviews etc, although it has possibly closed off other jobs to me.

A year of job hunting later, I am now the proud posessor of a job offer for a 3 days per week part-time job, in role which makes use of my skills and experience and is a short distance from home!

What I do know is that, had I had children younger, I never could have got the more senior posts on my CV, as I would not have been willing to put in the hours required.

Well done BranchingOut - it's great to hear of someone getting their ideal part-time job! I've recently started looking for work - it's still early to tell whether my experience in senior roles will help or not.

To OP: as a feminist I'm not sure what advice I'd give to younger women either. I'd probably suggest to anyone who feels broody in their early 20s that they should get on with having their children, and try hard to keep in touch with the world of work so they can ramp up their career later. I'm sure that can be hard to do, though. I wish there was an easy answer to this conundrum!

It is so hard to get good p/t roles so really well done BranchingOut

Thanks, I am going to write a post in 'Returning to Work' in order to encourage others!