Is it easier to combine a career and motherhood if you are a younger Mum?

[margerykemp]

Years ago I read hunger which basically said that if you want both a high powered career and to be a mother then your best chance is to have your first child before you are 26.

That's what I did and a decade on it's still to early to see how my long term career will compare to my contemporaries who start families in their late 30's.

As a feminist I dont know what advice I'd give to younger women/DD.

Anecdotally younger Mums I know seem to have more energy/drive to go back to work and have partners who are more 'hands on' Dads than men 20 years older but they seem to lose out in terms of relationships (more frequently left as single mums) and have to suffer the stigma from society of being a 'young' Mum- and I'm talking about women in their 20's not teenagers.

A different take - I wonder if it is easier to combine a family & 2 careers if you only have the 1 dc?

We have just the one, and its reasonably simple to share parenting, our years of needing paid childcare were reasonably short, etc etc. I look at friends with 2 or more dc, and it seems like there's far more pressure for one parent (ie almost invariably the mother) to become effectively the full time carer (whether combined or not with paid work).

I had DS when I was 18 (yes I know, total idiot but there you go, he is here now)

I am now getting my degree and have all my options open to me as well as already being a mother. Though I know I was FAR too young when I had DS, having him young has left me with all the options. I don't risk leaving it too late and having to look for alternative methods to have children, I don't risk getting a good career built up and then loosing it all to have children, I can do it now. I have not sacrificed anything iyswim except that DS and I have little money at the minute, but as he is so young this has had little impact so far. I now think that having children aged 23? maybe? is the way to go. I go to toddler groups and, trying not to offend the other mums, the ones that are near 40 with little children just physically can not do all with their kids that I do with DS. I fling him up round my shoulders and curl him round my back and can run around with him for ages and they simply can not do it. My body has sprung back into what it used to be. The list just goes on and on. They have all given up their careers and know they will struggle to get back into it if they wish but I have the same opportunities that anyone young and graduating early 20s does.

Having children in teens? No no no. Children early twenties? Yes yes yes. I would not have another child over 30.

Oh sorry that was just a messy ramble. My degree is in maths, not English you will be pleased to know :o

Takver I think that's a really good point, know from lots of threads on here and in RL that when it gets to two DCs the wheels can really come off, especially in terms of childcare costs. Even with my previously good job, we would have struggled with two lots of childcare costs and probably would have had a 'is there a point to working' dilemma.

melted my body has sprung back into what it used to be too. Same it was a saggy assed red wine slurping mess though, eh?

I doubt I will be returning to work after dc2 is born as it is just too expensive for a part time pretty low paid job! I get to spend more time with the children this way, focus on my studies and doing more voluntary work. Hopefully!

I think it's messy and complicated. Partly because when you have children isn't a calculated choice governed solely by career planning. All sorts of other factors come into play -- accident, as many have mentioned; finding a partner; changing your mind about whether to have children at all.

And having children (especially, I think, once they're a bit older and you realise their need for you is just as strong, albeit different, as when they are physically dependent as tinies) can change your attitude to what your work requires of you.

Some women I know have children and career-type jobs and still want the career -- I mean, they get enough satisfaction and sense of purpose from the career aspects of their job to be able to trade that off against the intense demands that such jobs make on your time (weekend and evening working, bringing work home) and on your mental space. I know a woman, for example, who became a professor very early in her career, when her twins were four. But she is able to, as it were, shut a mental door on her children, and in many ways her primary attachment is still to her career.

For other women their ability to commit themselves mentally and emotionally to their career (not to mention in terms of time) is permanently compromised by having children and the emotional work of raising them. I'd put myself in that group. I have a career-type of job, but I've seceded from career aspirations because of the kinds of demand that doing my job in a career way makes.

For what it's worth, and finally answering the OP, I suspect that the older you are when you start having children (I was 41) the more you are likely to disengage yourself from the career aspects of your job (the extra hours, the sense that you don't just do the job, you live the life). But I don't really know whether that is the case -- I may be generalising from my own experience.

The other thing about having children young is the isolation from peers. I didn't fit in with the mums my age who seemed to smoke, don't breastfeed or care about the things I do. A lot of my friends went off to university. and I wasn't involved with going out and getting drunk and all the fun things late teens early twenties generally do, so lost contact with swathes of people. And I was so much younger than the older mums, luckily I have made some good friends they are a lot older than me but we have much more shared interests.

I think you do have more energy in your 20's - which you either spend on your career (working 12 hours days) or baby care. I worked after graduation through some starter jobs and then a real career type job by my late 20's. I then left the city, moved to the country (I think I thought that was what you were supposed to do) with my husband, got pg with twins (aged 30) and gave up work. I have now been off work for about 7 years, because of childcare demands and our rural location going back to work has not really been a viable option. Based on the fact I did not wish to be a SAHM forever I have undertaken further study. I (perhaps naively) feel very positive about the future, we intend to move back to the city next year, where I will return to full time work. The kids are now old enough to be more self sufficient, and I feel I will really be able to concentrate on my career from now on with all the baby stuff behind us.

I think the answer is, have kids when you are ready, make sure your partner takes an equal share in childcare and housework, so you can continue your career if you wish and we should all campaign so that work practices are more compatible with family life. Women should not be placed in a horrible 'career or baby' situation.

So hard to know really and utterly dependant on the career you want isn't it? I'm an anomaly in my industry and had my children young (ds when aged 25, due dc2 next month age 28), I work on theatre where the pressure to focus on your career young is massive, not just the actual work but inevitable socializing and networking needed too. We decided to have our children now as I'm at least a director rather than an actress (think god I don't have their pressures of being youthful and beautiful and responsibility free) and thought if I can keep it going then my early 30s, once my children start school, will be good timing to really forge ahead with my career.

Actually my career has come on leaps and bounds since having ds as I'm much pickier about the work I choose to do to be worth putting him into childcare, and I'm more confident about negotiating higher fees now as I have to be able to cover the childcare costs.

I am however very lucky in that my parents are young and my mum runs her own business so is really flexible and able to help with the childcare.

My mum friends are inevitably older, one was saying today when she and her husband.married they earnt the same. Fast forward 3years and 2 children, he now earns 3x her wage and she now never expects to achieve the same high prospects that he can. Maybe this would have been different if she'd had her children younger but she didn't meet her DH until she was 33 so sometimes you don't have the luxury of choice.

i think this question depends totally on your job, not your age. I had my first child at 25, and went back to work part time with him at 3 months old. I worked in a day nursery. Although at that time in a responsible role, pay was not good.
By the time my 2nd child came along, I had to leave because i couldnt afford the child care fees , which were far more than my wages, even if I worked full time.
Iworked part time as bank staff if my MIL could look after the children, but by the time baby n3 came there was no question that i could work.
baby 4 arrived, and once baby was of nursery age, i returned to work part time, and then took on a more 'part time' senior role once the last child was at school full time.(part time in brackets due to the full time nature of the paperwork, which i did at home)

I ended up with two part time jobs, looked after 4 kids and did the housework ,( and voluntary stuff) while my husband was the main wage earner.
This is the curse of today's woman, who end up still taking on board the main bulk of child care, and work very hard for little pay. Even though I love my choice of career when your kids are small money and time is very important,and in short supply.

today i have four teenagers, and i am now still working part time, but in order to earn more and further my career and income I am a part time uni student.( BTW the teens do seem to need you more mentally than when when they were younger, which is more exhausting than when they were little.)
I will soon, return to full time work, and most of my earnings will go on paying back my student loan, and support each of my kids as they in turn go to uni. my husband, in order to have a better chance of keeping his employment choices, in a very uncertain world, is also going to uni, so that when he reaches the magic age of 50 , if made redundant he will be able to get a job, with a higher pay scale to support the four kids in uni, and the roof over our heads.

What does really scare me, is that i have never paid a pension during my working life, mainly because my pay was so small, and i have heard that i should , once i return to full time work , pay nearly £500 a month towards the a basic pension. I find this very scary!

The idea that we all have such choices in having our kids early or late is really not the main point, we still earn less than men, we still have no support with childcare, equality is still a dream for a large portion of todays woman in the workplace.

I had DS1 when I was 25 and DS2 when 30. I was made redundant towards the end of my mat leave this year so have gone back to college with a view towards getting an History degree. My way of thinking is that I have 12 years of work experience behind me, had my children and now now have a degree, I'm hoping to get a job I enjoy, but not necessarily high powered. I'll be 35/36 when I rejoin the work force full time. I'm feeling quite positive about the futre, even though right now it's going to be a squeeze financially.

Great thread - LRD I think we all think a combination of "I'm not going to be like the older generation and I will do thinkgs differently" and then when we are older "Things would have been better if...". In fact, we should be grateful that we can make these choices, realise that the rose tinted life of "elsewhere" does not really exists and life is what we make it.

It is lovely to hear from so many people who have made different choices yet are all happy with the choices they have made.

I wonder if the "hands on Dad in his twenties" versus "hands off Dad in his 40's" difference is less of an age thing but more due to men who choose to become Dad's in their 40's having settled into their life and have more of an expectation that it will continue in the same vein as is whereas women who choose to have their children in their 40's are more likely to make / be forced to make compromises in their life.

I had my career in my 20's early 30's and when children came along, I found myself blown away by the feeling that I could and would walk away from everything I loved to spend as much time as I could with these amazing creatures. I believe that I will work again and look forward to what my life will look like when I do.

For me, i studied through my early 20's. Then worked up to a reasonable level in my chosen carreer through my late 20's.
Bought a house that needed renovating from floor boards to roof and was busy with that.
Then got married at 30, decided then, that children might be an ok idea.
We had a nightmare getting ds and i was just too chronically exhausted to even consider going any higher in my carreer, nevertheless, i applied for promotion when ds was 3 and got it to my surprise.
Since then i have gone from strength to strength in my job and am quite senior now.
I have become a workaholic and LOVE LOVE LOVE my job.

So in short, for me, carreer took off when i was older, when my ds got older and i had more freedom, less guilt, more sleep and was more mature in my outlook. There is no way on this green earth that i could have done any of that lot in my 20's, no way.

Purplebuns, could have written that myself. The few mums my age cannot understand why I would not want anyone round drinking in my house, or why i don't wish for DS to stay over at his grandparents all the time just so I can go out. I have become very isolated. Fortunately I have always been a home bird that likes my own company but occasionally it bothers me.

I've had two kids in my 20s whilst doing my PhD. It's been difficult seeing all my childless peers starting to work as lecturers while I live mostly as a SAHM (I do some part-time lecturing and tutoring though). I hope to catch up with them and maybe even surpass them now in my 30s - I'm very eager to get back working properly and I know how to make the most of my time because I had so little of it to myself for so long.

I'm still considering having a third child but I think it would be best for me to wait until I'm established in a permanent post so that I can enjoy a proper maternity leave for once.

It's hard to make general statements on this issue because there are so many personal factors to take into account.

I had my dd at 17, I worked FT whilst studying for my degree, and then my company paid for me to complete a masters. I have spent the last 15 years gaining my qualifications, and then working my way up the corporate ladder by relocating and moving jobs every couple of years. I have in more recent years moved from engineering to commercial projects/procurement roles (because they pay a lot more, and I am better at the commercial stuff than I was a big standard engineer).

I have no idea how I had the energy. I put my personal life on hold really, when I wasn't at work I was 100% dedicated to dd (I was single as well). I didn't really have many friends and a social life, because most people my age were childless, and most people with children were older than me and didn't necessarily want to befriend a teenage mother, and I had to study anyway.

The first years were a hard and lonely slog, but I have really reaped the benefits. I am now 33 with a really good, enjoyable and well-paid career and a 15 year old daughter who is a joy, when most people my age are having to juggle childcare and all that having a baby entails.

I wouldn't say I would recommend it - it has had its low points (having a baby as a teen is never a good idea, plus it is more likely imo that the father will bugger off) but it has worked out very well for dd and me. I cannot even think how I did all I did - I just had boundless energy. I don't think I could work, with a baby, and study in my 30s.

Observing the experiences of many of my friends, I have concluded that career-wise it is best to have your kids either very early or very late.

Of course the former carries the risk that you wont ever be able to break into the career you want, and the latter the risk that you wont be able to get pregnant.

But the most common alternative of mid-career procreation seems to provide the kiss of death career-wise.

I agree cadbury - I think if I had a baby now it would be a bit of a nightmare, my job involves a lot of travel which is workable with a teenager, but wouldn't be with a baby.

But, if I kept this level of attainment job wise for another 12 years, I think it would be better to have a baby in my mid-40s.

I very much doubt I could be arsed, though.

The women I know with the best work-life balance are women who had their children in their mid thirties and later, when they had already established a good career and were better paced to negotiate flexible working or go freelance/self employed - or had the confidence, self knowledge, contacts etc etc to retrain or sell their skills in a different way.

I had my first child in my 20s, when I had just 'made it' to a respectable position in my career, but wasn't yet a real high flier. The damage done was irreparable, unfortunately. There was just no way I could put in the hours necessary to climb up the greasy ladder, post-kids. I just couldnt (and didnt want to) work 12 hour days an spend weekends working on proposals and evenings entertaining clients.

Anecdotal, I guess, but it rings true in my life and circle of friends: I cannot think of a single woman I know who had children pre-35-ish who is very successful in her career.

No I don't think it is easier if you're younger, I think its much harder. Bottom line is that if you're going to have a career break for children and have a chance of getting back into the workforce at a reasonable level you want to be a) established enough in your career that you won't have to start again at square one b) to have sufficient financial firepower that having children/childcare isn't going to wipe your income out. Unless you're super successful iin the city or have very wealthy parents its hard to be in that position in your early to mid 20s. This mantra about how everyone should have kids when they are super young is becoming a bit old now and particularly here where it just sounds fairly insane. Its true in terms of fertility and health it makes sense to have kids relatively young but to suggest that a young woman can come out of university now, untested in the workplace, spend five years off having and rising kids and then go back and find herself in a better place than a single and childless woman strikes me as somewhat insane. Especially as the average graduate is going to have about thirty grand's worth of debt.

I can only speak from experience in that I don't think I would have been able to get where I am in my career if I'd had my children younger.

I spent a lot of my 20s doing crazy hours and travelling whenever needed. When I didn't have children it didn't matter that I was eating pizza with developers at 11pm at night trying to get a release out - now it would be impossible. I know that I couldn't have put in the hours I did or worked how I did now I have small ones as it wouldn't have been fair on them.

I had my children in my mid-30s when my career was already established as it meant that I had something to go back into rather than starting from scratch. Even though my employer was a complete cock after DS1, being established meant that I could (and did) move reasonably easily from one company to another.)

I still work long hours, but have less to prove now IYSWIM. I do know that my 20-something friend is having problems fitting in a burgeoning career around childcare and other commitments - a problem that I just didn't have.

Watching with interest. I've had two children in the course of my PhD (when I was aged 25 and 26 respectively) and now I'm at the end of the doctorate, am looking to get on the career ladder. My options have been immeasurably contstrained by already having children - I can't work anywhere but the local area as moving will disrupt them at nursery, I have to do every nursery drop-off and collection so it'll be a struggle getting to work on time if I work more than an hour away from home, I can't do overnight stays more than a handful of times per year and I'll always be the one who has to leave to collect ill child / attend immunisations, other appointments etc. with them. On paper I'm not half as attractive an employment prospect as a someone of my age with no responsibilities or ties.

I should add, my parents and DH's parents are working and live miles away - and wouldn't be happy to do regular childcare anyway, so no advantage there.

I'm 22 and have finished having children. I got my A-Levels out of the way when I was 18 but didn't go to university as I fell pregnant with DD1 just before I turned 19. I had DD2 last November and now I'm studying for a degree in counselling and by the time DD2 goes to school I plan to be halfway through my masters degree and in a counselling career ready to work my way up. I plan to have a phd by the time I'm 30.

Right now while I'm studying and working freelance from home I can be a SAHM and see the children daily while DP works out of the home but once DD2 is in school I want to be working full-time.