What do you do about childcare when friends visit

[oncemorewithfeeling]

OK please let me know what you think. My H's friend is visiting this weekend. Beforehand we had a couple of conversations about activities for the weekend and had agreed that on Saturday night they would go out and that I would do breakfast for our 18month old on Sunday so he can have a lie in (he usually does breakfasts and I do nights). He had also planned to go for a walk and lunch somewhere you cant take a pram (I agreed) and I had mentioned I needed some time to do some work over the weekend.

Now I had assumed that just because we have a visitor does not mean he gets the whole weekend 'off' from parenting. We usually each do a stretch of solo parenting on the weekend so the other can have a break to do whatever they like. I had assumed that this would be the same but I'd try to do a bit more to give him extra time. Anyway its turns out that yesterday I essentially parented alone the whole day minus an hour, I then asked my H to do the bath which he seemed a bit annoyed about. Today I woke him at 9 (we are ususally up at 6) to take over for me and he was really annoyed.

Now he had thought that he'd get the whole weekend off. I am having a friend over soon and he's already agreed to do dinner and bath so we can go out in the evening. But apart from that I had assumed that I would do stretches of childcare over the weekend to give him time off.

Anyway he's annoyed at me and his friend seems to think I am some sort of harridan because I said just cos you hvae a friend over doesnt mean you stop being a parent, you still need to look after DD for a few hours a day. Sure I am trying to give them some time to themselves but I find it too much to parent alone all day. Im quite upset cos I had thought I was being quite generous and supporting (i had noticed that he seemed quite irritated with me whenever I was trying to arrange times for him to take over). I am doing more than my usual but he thinks I am not doing enough. He says that when my friend comes over he will do everything but he's never actually done a full day's solo parenting, besides I will want to do some things with my friend and DD together. So he will hvae some time to himself while we go off for a walk or to child friendly cafe.

OK so obviously we need tp communicate more clearly but..am I unusual in having assumed that he'd still do some childcare this weekend?

If DH had a friend visit I would expect that they had come to visit us as a family unit, albeit motivated by DH's presence. So, although I might expect DH and friend to have an evening at the pub catching up over a pint, I would expect the DCs to be a part of the weekend as a whole and would find DH's doing nothing with them all weekend rather odd (the DCs would find it more than a little odd too). And the same in reverse if I had a friend to visit -- I wouldn't want to spend the whole weekend at home but not interacting with my children.

I don't know if it's a gender issue, though. You clearly have different ideas about how your DD, and your role as a parent, integrates into the rest of your life, but I don't know if that's a gendered thing because I can't actually think of any fathers I know who would take the same attitude as your DH on this.

That should be "You and your DH clearly have different ideas..."

i understood what you were saying - i hate how sometimes 'the men' get to go bike riding and 'the women' 'get to' sit around with the babies

i haven't got a baby yet, and many of my friends assure me that they WANT to be with their babies all the time and don't want to go for a bike ride... but i'm a bit about that.

tbh. i didn't reply earlier though cause dh doesn't really have any friends who we wouldn't both spend time with together when they visit... i know all his friends and when they visit we'd probably spend 80% of the weekend altogether (with future, theoretical baby) and they'd only spend 20% just the two of them.

It was a weird weekend but its sorted now. I think sometimes my H still has to catch up with the sheer relentlessness of parenthood. He sees that too. And we needed to have talked through our expectations of the weekend more clearly.

I posted in a state of complete confusion, it hadnt even occurred to me that he might expect to have the whole weekend free. Whatever it is, maybe just a burst of insensitivity and selfishness, it wont happen again cos he can see thats not the way to go.

But in retrospect I am most surprised at being turned into some sort of victim (depression, SN) just because I expect my H to do some parenting on the weekend.

I am sorry you didn't get precisely the answers you were after

I take it the Feminist Board has disappointed you in some way ?

FWIW, the suggestions to ask on different boards were meant to be helpful, and get you more replies that were very specific to your situation...they weren't meant to be an insult and your defensiveness seems rather misplaced

But don't you understand that not all of us experience parenthood as sheer relentlessness?

I wouldn't mind in the slightest if my DH behaved as yours has done. If I needed a couple of hours break from my toddler to catch up on work I'd ask friends for a favour or phone a babysitter if they were busy. Likewise, my DH has never minded when I've had friends to stay or gone away for the weekend.

Which is why the SN board suggestion was sensible, because parents there tend to have a tougher time, which might give them a different perspective. Or maybe not.

I think it's fairly reasonable to expect a discussion of the (possible) gender issues if you post a situation on feminism.

Glad it's sorted OP

way too late to the party OP but i have to say as i read the first few replies to your post with this actual expression on my face:

FWIW i do think this is a feminist issue as i think it is much more common for mothers with a child-free female friend visiting to be expected to do something that allows the child to spend at least some time with them than it is for fathers with a child-free male friend. i really don't see why women should be any more keen to go to a child-appropriate place for lunch than men should be.

i find it odd for any parent to expect to have a weekend "off" while they are in the same physical place as their children - a night out, an afternoon walk, whatever is totally fine - but an entire weekend seems ridiculous IMO. and as the other parent it would do my head in having them in my way while getting no help. if the friend visiting has no interest in me and my kids then i couldn't be arsed having them to stay!

glad you got it sorted. have to say it's not really something i have great experience of, after we had kids we've only ever had family or else friends with kids stay overnight with us.