Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

What do you do about childcare when friends visit

59 replies

oncemorewithfeeling · 18/09/2011 10:26

OK please let me know what you think. My H's friend is visiting this weekend. Beforehand we had a couple of conversations about activities for the weekend and had agreed that on Saturday night they would go out and that I would do breakfast for our 18month old on Sunday so he can have a lie in (he usually does breakfasts and I do nights). He had also planned to go for a walk and lunch somewhere you cant take a pram (I agreed) and I had mentioned I needed some time to do some work over the weekend.

Now I had assumed that just because we have a visitor does not mean he gets the whole weekend 'off' from parenting. We usually each do a stretch of solo parenting on the weekend so the other can have a break to do whatever they like. I had assumed that this would be the same but I'd try to do a bit more to give him extra time. Anyway its turns out that yesterday I essentially parented alone the whole day minus an hour, I then asked my H to do the bath which he seemed a bit annoyed about. Today I woke him at 9 (we are ususally up at 6) to take over for me and he was really annoyed.

Now he had thought that he'd get the whole weekend off. I am having a friend over soon and he's already agreed to do dinner and bath so we can go out in the evening. But apart from that I had assumed that I would do stretches of childcare over the weekend to give him time off.

Anyway he's annoyed at me and his friend seems to think I am some sort of harridan because I said just cos you hvae a friend over doesnt mean you stop being a parent, you still need to look after DD for a few hours a day. Sure I am trying to give them some time to themselves but I find it too much to parent alone all day. Im quite upset cos I had thought I was being quite generous and supporting (i had noticed that he seemed quite irritated with me whenever I was trying to arrange times for him to take over). I am doing more than my usual but he thinks I am not doing enough. He says that when my friend comes over he will do everything but he's never actually done a full day's solo parenting, besides I will want to do some things with my friend and DD together. So he will hvae some time to himself while we go off for a walk or to child friendly cafe.

OK so obviously we need tp communicate more clearly but..am I unusual in having assumed that he'd still do some childcare this weekend?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 18/09/2011 14:48

If my DP had a friend for the weekend, I would seize the opportunity to arrange to do something with one of my girlfriends and her children!

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 18/09/2011 14:52

I know we are in a more difficult position than most. Caring for DD is tougher and we have no family nearby so we there is no way to get a break. In fact starting full time work (on an enormously pressured project) has felt like time off. I guess thats where our 'strange' shift pattern has come from. When I was at home full time he would do all chilcare til 12 and I would do 12-5. And we could do whatever, including lounge on sofa reading papers while the other person struggled with screaming child (of course not hours but just so I didnt feel the need to come in and help him whn I really needed a rest). This has loosened up a bit now that I am not looking after DD full time. But I thought the principle of each needing their own bit of time on the weekend was one we follow.

I know everyone means well by wanting to address the rest of our problems. But thats actually not what I wanted. I post in SN when I need support and guidance on DD's issues and how we deal with all that. I have a whole bunch of professionals involved in DDs care. And I offload to friends etc. I was posting cos I thought it was a bit of a crappy man thing to think you stop being a Dad for the whole weekend because your friend is around. And although people think its weird my H actually agrees and is now like, 'yes ok see what you mean'. But before that we had an argument and I posted because I did think 'thats such a male assumption that wife and kiddies will go off all weekend and not intrude on the male bonding session'.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 14:56

Sorry, I shouldn't have used the word "strange"

I withdraw it

SardineQueen · 18/09/2011 14:56

In that case and in answer to your specific question, I think YANBU in being surprised, miffed and put out that he had assumed that he would get the whole weekend "off". That is an odd assumption to make, especially when you have the shift routine set up that you do ie you both acknowledge and understand that breaks are needed to the extent that they have been built quite formally into your routine.

BTW I find working outside the home much easier than childcare, and see it as a break, and both of my children and NT and pretty "easy" so you are no means alone in feeling like that!

jellybeans208 · 18/09/2011 14:58

oncemorewithfeeing - tbh I think this problem comes from him having friends at home to stay I have had lots of weekends off but am usually on drinking weekends with my friends, concerts with my brother etc. Think it would get complicated if we did it at home maybe next time you should both take it in turns to do that when you want a weekend with friends.

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 18/09/2011 15:04

To clarify the shift system is for saturdays, on sundays we do stuff together. Its just that was the only way to each have a half day a week off. And also the kind of off where you can do whatever you want without the other person saying 'oh you dont look busy come and help me'

PS: thanks for the retraction Anyfucker. I feel weird enough as it is.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 15:11

No need to feel weird

If you lay your family life bare for commentary, then people will comment

If it works for you, then great

but it clearly doesn't (or didn't for just this one scenario) or you wouldn't be asking for opinions

perhaps the shift system could be relaxed in some eventualities ?

call it annual leave, or TOIL (time off in lieu ie. he pays it back at another time) ? Smile

SardineQueen · 18/09/2011 15:14

I also agree with jellybeans that in this situation in general ie not necessarily that it will work for you OP, that this is better if they actually go away.

That way you know what you are in for, can plan it, know that you will be going it alone. And they can go off and relax.

OTOH if they are there it's hard not to feel like they could give a hand + someone staying is extra work.

I have offered loads for DH to go away for the weekend (he won't Hmm) but I would not be at all keen on someone coming and staying here.

SardineQueen · 18/09/2011 15:15

Maybe you need a weekend away? Now that you are working (and obv I don;t know your finances) a weekend at a nice hotel somewhere might do you wonders. I know I'd love it Grin

If you do this weekend for him, maybe you need to go for a weekend away in November?

AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 15:16

Yes, I agree

OP, next time this friend wants to stay, suggest your DH goes to him/her

Then you get a lovely weekend where you know what to expect and can plan accordingly

I find house guests a fucking awful strain at the best of times

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 18/09/2011 15:29

What I am asking is: do you (female) expect to be home and not do anything with/for your children all weekend if your friends visit? Does your partner (male) expect to be at home and not do anything with your children all weekend if his friends visit?

I am asking this in the context of having babies/toddlers. I had thought that there would be more of this expectation amongst men that women. I had also thought that many women would find it strange to visit a female friend with children and not spend some of the time with those children (mixed with some child free time ideally)

PS: Given our family situation some scheduled free time in the week really works for us. I thoroughly recommend it tbh

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 15:35

This still isn't going to answer your question in quite the black and white way you want it to

but I would expect the same freedoms/responsibilities wrt childcare on days where neither parent is working

with some flexibility in special circumstances, which should be pre-agreed and applied across the board

you know you keep saying you want some free time "to do some work" what work do you mean ? Jobs around the house ? Housework ? Laundry ? Are those household jobs a source of inequality/resentment in your house too ?

jellybeans208 · 18/09/2011 15:35

As I said I wouldnt do it at home but yeah i thought nothing off going away without a baby/toddler/pre schooler and leaving my husband do do it all for the weekend.

I dont think its an expectation more with men than off women I think its vital that both have time off to continue their social life as before as it makes you both happier and you should have your own life. Also if a person without akids is the friend they wont want to spend all their time or even some of their weekend off with kids.

I bet if you had a weekend/whole nights off to go and do your thing regularly it would make you feel a lot less stressed and you would find it easier when you do have to do chunks of childcare on your owno is

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 18/09/2011 15:39

I mean I need to do some work for a deadline next week. Not hugely urgent yet but its niggling.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 15:43

OK, I get ya

I was on a different track there...

PlentyOfPubgardens · 18/09/2011 15:54

I think family guests should be prepared to encounter your family. If that's a problem, you (your DH in this case) should stay elsewhere.

I really enjoy having house guests but when the DC were younger we tended to plan activities we could all do together and then in the evening, whoever's friend it was got to go out with them. Otherwise, you're cooking and cleaning for somebody who is treating your house like a hotel, to coin a cliche. We only ever invited friends who were happy to spend time with DC around - most of them were, even the childless ones.

RitaMorgan · 18/09/2011 15:57

Well, my child doesn't have any developmental delays and we don't have a shift agreement, but I would be very Hmm if my DP expected a weekend off if he had a friend round. I'd expect him to have some time/nights out just with his friend, but I'd also expect we'd all do things together and that he might take DS out without me or let me have a lie-in still.

If he'd asked in advance to have a child-free weekend and to give me one in return I wouldn't have minded, but it seems strange to me that your DH didn't organise this with you but is complaining now. I wouldn't make an assumption that I'd get a weekend off childcare just because I had a friend round.

Bootcamp · 18/09/2011 16:05

I wouldn't expect dh to have a weekend off at home. You are still a parent wether your friend is there or not. I definitely do less when dh is here, I too need breaks from dd's, at present anyway.

Bootcamp · 18/09/2011 16:07

If your at home then you can't switch off to parenting I don't think.

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 19/09/2011 15:25

Got my head straight again and must say I am surprised at how a query over the gender split on caring for our daughter turned into lots of comments asking whether I am depressed or suggestions that I should take my question to the SN section.
Fem/ist discussion board - hmmm Hmm
Not saying you all need to agree with how we organise our household but actually think the question I was posing about potentially gendered assumptions on parenting was quite clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 19/09/2011 15:28

and I particularly loved the suggestion that I should do it all with a smile on my face.
So t next time I want to know something about fem/ist perspectives to gender roles I will ask my friends, and goodness even my H (because even tho he made a stupid assumption this weekend, even he can see what I am talking about)

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 19/09/2011 15:32

I wouldn't be sure really...I think if DH had a friend round then I would expect half of that time to be spent as a unit....the friend and myself and DH and our child...I would be happy ofr DH to go out aloe with the friend too...he shouldn't epect the whole time child-free. SN or not.

MumblingRagDoll · 19/09/2011 15:34

Gender does come into it....a woman finds it impossible to switch off generally. I know I do. It's very ough.....if you get in this sitation again, then DH should go out with his friend AND the DC....I know that's what my DH would do....he's not perfect but he always takes our DDs out withhis friends when we are (rarely) with them...

PlentyOfPubgardens · 19/09/2011 15:34

Hey!

A couple of us saw your point!

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 19/09/2011 15:38

Yes, you did and thank you pubgarden. It was the first couple of responses that really got me.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread