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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

'It's OK to be single.' I think that's probably the most important message feminism has to offer.

88 replies

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2011 01:27

That's just It's OK To Be SIngle. It's not 'You can't be a feminist if you have a male partner', nor is it 'Feminism means hating men and never having sex with one again.'
But if you accept and understand that It's OK To Be Single you put up with less crap from men who think the worst thing they can threaten you with is leaving and rendering you single.

OP posts:

UsingMainlySpoons · 28/08/2011 02:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallwivglasses · 28/08/2011 02:19

I'm single and It is more than okay.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 02:51

I agree, in fact I actively encourage men to remain single.

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/08/2011 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justfeckinggoogleit · 28/08/2011 10:08

Absolutely.
I would far, far rather be happy single than living with a fuckwit.
Sadly, millions of women don't seem to see it that way.

garlicnutter · 28/08/2011 17:00

Somewhat unsure about it being the most important message. Equal rights, equal reward and equal opportunity beat social approval imo. But, other things being equal: yes. Don't think you can ideologically dispense with the normative urge to mate and form family unit, though.

justforaminute · 28/08/2011 17:31

yep i agree SGB.
the trouble is though[i feel]is that in this...we have to get rid of the single parent bashing and bad attitudes towards it.
some women put up with bad men as they are afraid to be single parents.

sparky

HereBeBolloX · 28/08/2011 21:19

Yes, it's really important to tell women that being single, far from meaning that you hate men and never have sex with one again, means that you have an endless choice of lovely men to have sex with (should you want to) as long as you're single and you don't have to pick their socks up (unless you want to because you've got some kind of wierd fetish).

And it doesn't mean you hate or despise anyone who is happily monogamous either - that's nice too and you can support other people's relationships and lifestyles without having to live the same way as them, just as you can support someone else's parenting without having to use the same methods in your own family.

AliceWyrld · 28/08/2011 21:39

I think OK to be single, along with highlighting the barriers to being so. It is OK to be single, but there are plenty of messages and sanctions to tell people it's not, which I wouldn't want to get hidden. (Not that I think that is what you were suggesting OP, but I wanted to get that in)

HereBeBolloX · 28/08/2011 21:45

Yes, good point AW. Young people should be encouraged to recognise the pressures on them to couple up from a young age.

garlicnutter · 28/08/2011 21:45

Well, you get 25% off your council tax! And the pensions bias has been fixed (thanks to someone on here for pointing that out).

And, when you get past 50, people stop asking why you're single. Blessed relief

garlicnutter · 28/08/2011 21:46

I was trivialising the point a bit there. Sorry. Of course it's important for young women to know it really is OK to be single.

IntergalacticHussy · 28/08/2011 21:53

It's definitely a very important message. I am so sick of reading dd1 pwincess stories where the whole thing revolves around placating a dictatorial father and marrying a sodding pwince! It is positively inconcievable that she might survive without either patriarchal figure. Make yourself happy first, is what we should be telling our daughters, and you do that by filling up your life with things and people you love, not desperately waiting for someone else to complete you!

lachesis · 28/08/2011 21:54

It think that's probably one of the most important messages I give to my kids both male and female. My mother always says if you can't be happy with yourself then you have no chance of being so with anyone else.

I use that and 'It's okay to be single' a lot with my children. Also, 'It's better to walk alone than badly accompanied.'

Also to trust themselves before anyone else.

FiniteIncantatem · 28/08/2011 21:56

I love being single, but I do find that people seem almost threatened by the fact that I don't meed a man (women as much as men).

skrumle · 29/08/2011 07:00

i agree i think - but what would pop songs be about if everyone believed that???

MrsCog · 29/08/2011 07:46

Yes, definitely a very important message. I'm a strong believer in this.

During my teens, I was the only person in my group who didn't have a bf etc. which eventually led to me being significantly depressed with low self esteem etc. It also meant that I made some bad choices with one night stands where I was being totally used by men, just in the hope that I'd get a boyfriend out of it :(

Anyway, the problem got worse when I went to uni, as I expected a much more even spread of single people, and potential single men, but in fact everyone I met and lived with were all in serious (ish for 18/19 yr olds) relationships! It was at the end of my first year at uni when things were really bad, and then I started rediscovering 'lost' interests from late childhood - you know, things you were interested in at 10/11 (in my case reading, history, playing the piano etc) but then a lot of teenagers drop in favour of all night parties, brainlessness and drinking.

I started to build this really rich, interesting life for myself, and made the most of the friends and family I had rather than being miserable about what I didn't have, and I became such a strong, independant woman. It actually meant that 4 years later when I finished uni, I met my now DH, but knew how to spot a man who would respect me and I knew myself well enough to be my own person in a relationship - I don't think DH and I would have the relationship we do (if at all) if I hadn't been so comfortable on my own. It also means, that although if anything happened to DH it would be the worst thing in the world, I know deep down, that eventually I would probably be ok - it's an absolutely horrible thought but almost a bit strengthening to know.

Sorry, this has turned in to a bit of a long story - I've never written that down before like that, but it was the absolute turning point of my life!

thewrongstuff · 29/08/2011 08:48

I think it's important not to just say it's ok but to say that in many cases it is preferable. I know i was happier as a single parent than as part of a couple.

startAfire · 29/08/2011 08:54

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exoticfruits · 29/08/2011 09:33

The most important message.
So many people seem to be stuck in abusive relationships and when I mention they had the choice I get turned on as not understanding. It is difficult to get out once your finances are entwined and you have DCs but if you start out with the idea that it is best to be single than with the wrong man it is much easier. When they show their true colours early on (which they will be they get ignored as hope over experience)it is easy to call it a day.
Unfortunately that type of man homes in on the vulnerable who are desperate to have a relationship-they steer clear of those who will say 'I don't need you-or want you'.
However it is a difficult message for a 14yr old who wants to fit in with peers.

GossipWitch · 29/08/2011 09:42

Omg it is so ok to be single, in fact I prefer being single, I was single for five years before my current boyfriend (who doesn't live with me may I just add) the only problem I found with it was operating a drill, (I'm sure I'll get the hang of them one day) I got married to a fuckwit at 18, seperated from him at 20, 3 months later moved a dickhead in, and was with him for 3 years before kicking him out, I'm now with my current boyfriend of a year, were not making any plans to move in together in the future, but tbf he is the nicest out of the 3 relationships that I've had.

startAfire · 29/08/2011 10:05

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BooBooGlass · 29/08/2011 10:09

Yes yes yes. I have the most fabulous friend whose biggest problem as she see's it, is being single. She has a brilliant job, great friends and opportunity at her feet. But her main obsession is that she'll never find a boyfriend :( It's such a waste of her time, but she just won't be made to see it. I think it's different from loneliness. Of course being lonely is terrible. But she's not lonely, sh ejust doens't feel people put worth in her status as being single. She won't accept invitations out if she's by herself as she's afraid people will think she's a loner. How do you help someone liek that? I can tell her til I'm blue in the face that it doesn't matter. But to her it does. I don't necessarily think it's a patriarchal thing either. It's that she's convinced that for her personally she's not enough by herself.

BibiBlocksberg · 29/08/2011 10:17

Having given 17 years of my life to long term relationships, now for the first time in my life I'm relishing being on my own.

Previous single 'spells' had me fretting and worrying about being left 'on the shelf' and that no one would ever want me again.

So glad I woke up, not least thanks to this excellent site and the feminism section in particular.

It still feels almost wonderous on a daily basis to realise that I'm perfectly ok and happy by myself and to discover what Bibi is really all about.

It's such an important message to spread to all women and not one I ever came across outside of this section. Growing up, the message was very much that to be seen as all round successful you had to be in a relationship (in my case) and I think I swallowed it wholesale for far too long.

The looks I get these days when I tell the people around me that no, I'm not looking for a man to 'complete' me any longer and am perfectly fine, thanks' are truly funny sometimes.

The next man who thinks he can park himself on my sofa, scratching his undercarriage while waiting for me to cook his dinner is in for a shock

exoticfruits · 29/08/2011 10:24

I think that lots of people get the message when older-I have quite a few friends who are happily single after years in a marriage. The message is really needed when you are young-and that is the difficult thing to get across.It isn't cool (for want of a better word)to be 16yrs without a boyfriend.

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