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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions


25 replies

sparky246 · 16/06/2011 20:49

one of my dd is getting married at the end of this year.
[this was all comfirmed yesterday]
she has asked me to give her away-and i feel very honoured by this.
im the first woman in my family ever to do this and i dont know anyone else who has done this.
actually i was very chocked when she asked me.
anyway-when i been telling people theyve been saying things like"oh thats nice"-but theres a distinct impression that people are not seeing this a proper thing or proper wedding.
i think that if i was a fella i would be congratulated and slapped on the back.
people have asked me what im going to wear and when ive replied"a suit"
theyve replied"oh right"-im now going to tell everyone im going in bodypaint!!
i actually feel quite hurt by all of this-i cant believe this is happening in 2011!
the other aspect of it is-its all going to kick off because some are feeling its her dad wh should give her away-cos he her dad[even though she dont like him/see him]
i know theres going to be a lot of pressure-my dd is saying"fuck em-youre the only person that i want to give me away"-im thinking"omfg-this is going to kick off big time"!
im also looking at it through feminist eyes[so to speak]and feel quite irked!

OP posts:
K999 · 16/06/2011 20:53

Personally, I've never really got the "giving away" thing. It's one man passing over a woman to another man saying "I trust her to you now, please look after her"....

What the fucks that all about? Women can look after themselves.....I don't need a man entrusting me to another man!

sunshineandbooks · 16/06/2011 20:53

I think it's absolutely lovely. Smile

Congratulations to your DD.

Bollocks to the sexist traditionalists. DDs happy, you're happy and presumably the bridegroom is happy so sod em all!

Have a wonderful day. Smile

sparky246 · 16/06/2011 20:55

yep-i can see what youre saying-but for me it means diffrent.

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firemansamantha · 16/06/2011 20:59

They're probably confused because they've never really thought about it.

My friend was 'given away' by both of her parents.

My Dad walked my up the aisle and we chose the vows that say something along the line of "firemansamantha's Dad isn't here as a father to give her away, but is symbolic of the move from one family to another" or somesuch thing (must look that up actually) and loads of people came up to us afterwards saying "is firemansamantha's dad not her real dad then?" People just expect what they expect without thinking about it.

HUGE congratulations by the way! xx

sunshineandbooks · 16/06/2011 20:59

K999 I agree the concept of 'giving away' is all about transfer of ownership and therefore is based on shocking principles. It's why I never had my dad 'give me away'.

I think in this case though it's delightfully subverted by sparky taking on the role.

That said sparky, it would be a shame if the wedding descended into a bitter family feud, so perhaps you could just drop the whole idea of giving away. Better still, if your DD feels that strongly about it, just don't invite the idiots who are protesting so much. If you care about someone you don't mess up their wedding because they're not doing it the way you like. If they're prepared to do that they don't deserve an invite.

fluffles · 16/06/2011 21:00

i know you say you don't know anybody who has done this but in my experience being 'given away' by your actual father is rare. i wasn't 'given away' at all (DH and I arrived together) even though i love my dad..
my DH 'gave away' his sister.. most people i know have complicated father/step-father relationships....

it's not that unusual and nothing 'not proper' about it!

smallwhitecat · 16/06/2011 21:03

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SkaterGrrrrl · 16/06/2011 21:04

Great idea - go for it!

MooncupGoddess · 16/06/2011 21:05

How nice! My aunt 'gave away' my cousin, whose father had died, and it was lovely. If you're happy doing it then ignore all the narrow-minded traditionalists. For your daughter to ask you to do this shows how much she loves and admires you, and that's what really matters.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/06/2011 21:05

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sparky246 · 16/06/2011 22:34

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StewieGriffinsMom · 16/06/2011 22:37

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PrinceHumperdink · 16/06/2011 22:40

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sparky246 · 16/06/2011 22:58

my experiance has been very harsh stewie-however-this has just made me stronger and stronger
and im very proud to say-fuck the patriatrircy-ive fought all the way-not always understood the right words -but the feelings the same.
and when i stand with my daughter in my suit and watch her get married-
i will chuck my fist in the air and shout"fuck you and fuck you again to the patriarchy-ive won my little bit-how do you feel]
[actually i feel fuckin great about it]

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StewieGriffinsMom · 16/06/2011 23:02

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UmYeahLikeTotally · 16/06/2011 23:02

congratulations to you and dd sparky!

Fuck what everyone else thinks and do what you both want. I hope you have an amazing day :)

Raeofsunshine · 16/06/2011 23:06

My friend's mum walked her down the aisle and they looked incredible together. I actually filled up when I saw them walk down together. Her mum bought her up not her dad.
And my son walked me down the aisle when he was just 4.
Don't let anybody tell you or your dd how the wedding should be.

PurpleStrawberry · 16/06/2011 23:09

I think it's lovely she has asked you, and to be honest, sod what anyone else is thinking.

I've been to three weddings where the mum has walked the bride up the aisle, and everyone I spoke to at each wedding, commented at how lovely it was.

My dad walked me up the aisle, but he did not give me away, as we omitted the 'who gives this woman' line from the service.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/06/2011 23:10

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Lovebendicks · 16/06/2011 23:14

Where my ancestors come from both parents walk bride & groom up to church door & then the happy couple walk in together!

juneybean · 16/06/2011 23:19

I sobbed like a baby when my lecturer walked her daughter down the aisle.

darleneoconnor · 17/06/2011 08:57

Mums do most of the childraising so it makes sense for them to give their daughters away.


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snowmama · 17/06/2011 10:09

Sparky, I am not generally a big romance fan, but reading about you and your daughter and the thought of you walking her down the aisle has just made me shed a tear in the office!

As Darlene says you raised her and should get the public respect.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 17/06/2011 10:23

Oh sparky - I hope you both have a wonderful day. I can't think of a better reason to walk your DD up the aisle than you have both survived, stronger, together. Best of luck to you both.

sparky246 · 17/06/2011 16:49

sorry-was meant to answer earlier on.
Thankyou everyone.

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