Having 'one of each' sex?

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How do feminists feel about people commenting that when you have children it's good to have one of each sex?

Is it important to have a boy first so that you can ask them to help out with tasks for their younger sibling without reinforcing gender stereotypes?

If you had a girl first, did you not ask them to help with the baby, for fear of them falling into a gender stereotype?

Personally, I'm of the opinion that anything that commodifies a child for being one sex rather than another, is a bad thing.

Just interested to hear what others think.

I was brought up not to help with the children, do any household chores, even get my own drinks really. Pros of it is I am very close to my parents and brother. Also it means I am never going to be in a situation like the threads on here where the woman does all the work in the home so it means I have a very equal marriage.

However cons it is a little difficult when you have to struggle to do simple tasks others take for granted especially when starting out such as cooking or ironing.

It isn't a gender stereotype that females look after small babies.

Most people in the UK have small gaps between children, so there isn't very much the older one can do to help look after the younger one.

I think it is good to have one of each, because then they are used to having a close relationship with a person of the opposite sex. If I had two girls or two boys, I would be worried that they would believe a lot of gender stereotypes due to lack of close experience of the opposite sex. This is probably due to me having one of each. I am sure that people who have two daughters or two sons (or more) find solutions to this issue.

On the other hand, I have a sister who I am very close to. I can see the benefit to the children of having two girls.

On the "one of each" thing:

If you are the sort of feminist who believes that men and women are very different then the supposed desire to have "one of each" should be good, as the two are equally valued.

If you are the sort of feminist who thinks that men and women are largely similar then you would presumably think it rather silly.

If you have had any trouble TTC or any miscarriages than you would (feminist or not) presumably think it rather crass to be wishing for a particular gender.

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In general:

I hope that I would raise my children to be useful around the house and able to function as a human being (no 18 yr olds who don't know how to work the washing machine) regardless of their gender or birth order.

Not asking a girl to help with washing because you don't want to encourage gender stereotypes just means you end up with a girl who can't do washing, which doesn't sound particularly helpful for her. It's no better than enforcing gender stereotypes and not teaching a boy to do washing because that's "a girl thing".

This is an interesting question for me. I have a 9 month old DS and would rather like one more, but I'm not sure if I'm hoping for a girl or just hoping for another baby, and a sibling for DS. I have a brother and a sister, and found myself compared to my sister a lot, and our relationship is much more fraught than with my own brother. For that reason I sometimes hope for 'one of each' - I think it might be a less fraught relationship. On the other hand, it might be less close. I dunno... I'm not sure about the desire to 'complete the set' that some people have (friend had a new baby DS, already has a 4 year old DS. Some people are already asking her if she's going to 'keep trying for a girl' - as if she's disappointed by a son, fgs! Bizarre).

Sometimes I think I'd love to have a girl, too, so I can know what's it's like to have a girl as well as a boy. But people are so different that I think I'll only know how to parent my girl or boy, not all girls or boys. So really, each person is unique, and each baby is unique, and I might have two or three sons and find each completely different and none, or all, to be "typical boys"....

I am now making no sense and will go seek . Interesting question, though! :)

I'm not sure there's any point worrying about this because you get no say in the matter. You find the best way to deal with the hand you're given.

But I agree that most sibling age gaps are so small that older ones really don't help out with the baby at all. I think it's far more important how you treat your children when they are older and more able to both help around the house.

I have one of each.

DD is a baby. DS is 4 and is a good and tidy helper. I will expect the same of his sister.

I know what kind of adults I would like them to be, and my aspirations for them both are the same, not dependent on their gender. I want to make kind, responsible, happy, independent people. That means 'training' them both to look after themselves and each other.

I have a DS and a DD. When I was pregnant the first time I wasn't bothered what sex it was going to be.
When I was pregnant with DD I hoped she would be a girl but wouldn't really have minded either way. I didn't find out either time what sex they were until the moment they were born. It really wasn't that important.
I treat them differently, not because of their gender, but because they are different.
In fact, DS moans that I expect him to do more round the house than DD. But, it's because she is still at school and he is currently unemployed.

I think the thing that would annoy me most would be the different things they would get given as presents. No matter how gender neutral and balanced you as parents try to keep their toys, books, clothing, dvds etc, it is inevitable (unless your friends and family are exclusively feminist too) that a DD will receive all manner of pink plastic tat, frilly stuff, housework themed toys, princess books and dvds, and a DS will get cars, dinosaurs, more physical toys, maybe even guns. I think I'd find that quite hard to deal with.

I have a firstborn DS and a secondborn DD.

I really try hard not to think in terms of boy/girl or to send those messages to them. I do sometimes play the 'big brothers should look after their little sisters' card, but I would do that if the genders were the other way around or they were both the same gender, too, I think (and that partly comes from the fact that DS has Asperger's and we are always working on drawing out his empathetic, nurturing side).

So far we haven't found gender stereotyping from friends or relatives much of a problem. DS is naturally quite bookish and not a 'boy's boy', which everyone who knows him accepts. In contrast, DD has been naturally boisterous and quite physical since day dot. She is much more inclined towards traditionally 'boyish' toys and games, and nobody has ever bought her anything pink or princessy because they know what she is like.

I do get fucked off with advertising messages on kid's TV and merchandising in toy shops, though. My DD isn't pinkified and my DS doesn't like trucks, so somewhere like Toys R Us is completely irrelevant to our world!

I have two Ds's and two Dd's, they are quite spaced out in age - five years between the boys, four years between ds2 and dd1 and then just over six years to dd2.
I can't say that any of them are particularly gender stereotypical through and through.

My eldest son probably appears outwardly very masculine with his love of football, cars and anything mechanical, yet quite often I come home from work to find him doing the ironing, hoovering or preparing the family dinner -"because they needed doing" not because he has been told to I must add.

My second son for his third birthday "only" wanted a talking Barbie Townhouse that he'd seen advertised on TV. We bought it for him and it was his most loved and played with toy for years. In fact it only left the house when it fell apart.
When my eldest was younger he asked for a playhouse in the garden, we fitted it out as requested with a kitchen set and various other household toys such as a washing machine, ironing board etc.. all of which is still going strong to this day.

Both my boys have worn pink and the current favourite "going out" shirt of my eldest is a lilac and pale blue floral. It suits his dark colouring beautifully and he's always being asked where he got it from by his college friends.

Equally my dd1 plays with dolls sometimes but spends just as much time kicking a ball around and climbing trees.

All three of my elder children (dd2 is only just over a year old) help with household chores, in fact we all work together as a family to keep the show on the road so to speak. Tasks are not allocated according to gender though - it's more a case of what needs doing and who wants to help. At the weekend dd1 helped her dad to tidy the garage and mend a broken tile in the bathroom, one son cleaned the bathroom and the other helped me in the garden.
My husband and I both work but share childcare between us. He's just as likely to have a day off if one of the children is ill as I am. I am just as likely to be seen unblocking the loo or putting a shelf up as him. We do what needs to be done.

My "two of each" will all grow up I hope, being fairly gender balanced. As my boys are quite a bit older than my girls they have helped out with them as they've grown up. They can both change a nappy and have done so many times especially with dd2. However dd1 also likes to help make a bottle or feed her sister too from time to time. Not because she thinks that's a female role, more because she sees everyone else in the family doing it too and she's part of the family unit.

I agree with the OP re commodifying children, and imposing roles upon them.

I had a boy and then a girl, and one of my reasons for wanting a third dc was that I had too stereotyped a family.

I used to be told that it was good planning (!) to have a boy a couple of years older than a girl, because he would bring home her first boyfriends and they would therefore be pre-vetted.

I can't honestly say that there is any gender-difference in how they related to the new baby - equally interested, equally involved. I can't say that the tasks we ask of them are gender-differentiated either.

But what has become clear over thd years is that the way they play with ds2 (now 4yo) and, increasingly, the tasks they choose or prefer to do are gender-differentiated.

We hope that by encouraging our dc to equally do all tasks, not specifically assign them to genders, and by encouraging the younger ones to do things that might otherwise be the responsibility of the eldest, we will equip them with better life-skills.

I've got a 3yo DS and my 20 week scan is in a few weeks.
I think I'd like a girl so I can get as annoyed at all the pink stuff we'll be bought as I did all the blue stuff for DS.

80sbabe, just wanted to say your family sounds lovely :)

I have a 4 year old DS and a baby DD and this worries me a bit. But perhaps needlessly because DP and I share childcare, and while I only work PT so do more of the household stuff, DP does cook and clean sometimes. I do some garden chores and traditional "man stuff", plus I am not a girly sort of girl and my job is professional and possibly viewed as a male job. So the examples from the home are OK I think.

However, DS's nursery has sections for dressing up, and a kitchen, and it has loads of baby dolls and these areas are used far, far more by the girls. So for me it's a question of how much they absorb from us at home and how much they absorb from the world around them.

From my point of view it's been good for me to have a son and a daughter as it's made me very aware of how I treat them both, the language I use with them, the games we play etc.

I'd see it as just another one of the (many) inane things people say, and one which would never stand up to scrutiny if someone were ever rude enough to pick the speaker up on it.