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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Just putting this here - about my ex

14 replies

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 16:03

I should probably name change for this but it's probably easier not to in case anyone already knows the backstory.

Anyway, after I split up with XP around 18 months ago due to his emotional abuse & controlling issues, around 3 months later he had a new girlfriend, with a child of her own, younger than me and I suspect quite vulnerable/naive. Within a few hours they were posting on facebook about how they were so in love, that "you are the one" within a couple of days, etc. She had a few concerned friends posting on her comments but she brushed it off with a "you don't understand" and made her profile private shortly after this. (Which was probably a good thing for me!) Within about 5 or 6 weeks they announced she was pregnant. Again all over facebook, not "OMG what a shock but we're happy", but "We can be a proper family now" etc. I think XP blocked me around this time as well, which again, was good.

Anyway, they've recently split, baby is under 6 months old. Seemed to be her decision. And someone has just copied and pasted a conversation in which he first says how angry he is that she "lied" because she's messaging other men when she said she wanted to get back together, although he also says that he "knew she would" and then later he suddenly jumps (unless there were some posts missing) to saying she had him by the throat, and she's going to report him for rape even though he's "done nothing wrong".

Ughh he just makes my skin crawl. I know the solution is - just stop reading the messages, but I feel like I have to know what he's up to to an extent since DS has (sporadic) contact with him still. I suppose in a way though I'm just really thinking about what he's saying that his more recent ex wants to report him to the police, because it seems like that makes her stronger than I was. She kicked him out whereas I snuck away when he was at work. I don't know whether he has raped her or not, but certainly when we were together he had pretty loose views on things like boundaries and respect, sexually. TBH I don't know that there was anything specific I could have ever gone to the police about, but I almost feel in a way that it would be good if she reported him for something, since I don't think it's fair that he gets to keep on going and finding the next naive young girl to make into his "perfect family". But I don't know. Just musing really, I suppose. Is emotional abuse a crime?

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dittany · 05/05/2011 16:33

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InmaculadaConcepcion · 05/05/2011 17:06

Ah, Bertie, that sounds really tough. He sounds like a prize shit (always easier to spot them after the fact though, eh?)

Is it worth reaching out to his more recent ex? You may be able to offer each other mutual support. On the other hand, I realise she may be hostile to an approach (and you may not want to either).

You may also be able to work out together if his abuse does add up to a crime. And if she has been raped she may be grateful for someone's help and willingness to believe her.

Women getting together can be very powerful.

Anyway, it's a thought. And I realise it could be too complicated for you to get further involved.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do (or not do.)

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 05/05/2011 18:03

Tough one for you Bertie. I second that it might be an idea for you to contact her if you think she might welcome it. Is she near you?

It's amazing isn't it how the minute you open up about a man's creepy/abusive/rapey behaviour someone else nearly always comes along and says "he did that to me, too".

AliceWorld · 05/05/2011 19:00

Bertie, he sounds like an arse. My ex was pretty loose with boundaries too, in the end there was no option of saying no. Of course in these situations the abuse is gradual so it's difficult to say when it was and when it wasn't, if that makes sense. I agree maybe you could support each other, but only if that feels comfortable of course.

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 21:10

Thanks everyone. I was wondering if I should contact her, because I really don't want to, TBH, but I feel a bit bad about it. Partly because I don't want to get involved, and partly because I don't know how she'd react, and from experience and also what I've heard about her from others she just doesn't seem like a very nice person and I think it would get all dramafied and I just don't particularly want stuff splashed all over facebook. I suppose if she contacted me I would be okay to share my side of the story.

She seems pretty switched on ie she kicked him out after only 15 months or so whereas I stayed for 2.9 years. But then she seems to be entertaining the idea of giving him a second chance whereas when I knew it was over that was it... but anyway I should probably just stay out of it. I just feel bad.

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dittany · 05/05/2011 22:01

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JessinAvalon · 05/05/2011 22:13

Hi there
Sorry to hear you went through all of that. I sympathise, I really do.

I read this and thought it was really heartening. Shame we don't have a similar law here (yet).

www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/jun/29/france-outlaws-psychological-violence

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 22:35

Thanks dittany, that's exactly the kind of thing I would hate to happen. I'll leave it I think. If she did come desperately looking for advice then I'd say something but no more than that I think.

Thanks for the link Jess, that's really positive :) horrible picture (relating to Bin Laden) in the sidebar though - why would they put that there?? (On second look it seems like a live feed thing so may not have been there when you first linked it)

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JessinAvalon · 05/05/2011 23:04

So sorry....I didn't even notice the sidebar picture. Yuck.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 06/05/2011 07:35

Good for France! I wonder if you could prove psychological violence with secret recordings....

Fair enough, Bertie - it sounds like it would be better to stay apart from your ex's situation with his ex after all. He really does deserve his comeuppance, though. Angry

SueSylvesterforPM · 06/05/2011 12:45

Im sorry your in this Sit' Bertie

I think you may have to close your eyes not in an uncaring but you seem to feel you may not have all the details and its is their situation

BertieBotts · 08/05/2011 15:19

Now I've just heard today that they are definitely not getting back together, and he's asked to see the new baby but is refusing to see her child from a previous relationship :( The one he's lived with a year and who calls him "Daddy". What a selfish, selfish arse. That poor child :(

Sorry, just venting here since I don't want to discuss him in front of DS. His mum likes to keep me updated on things too which is half helpful, half not. She said the girlfriend is saying he was the one who had her around the throat, and XMIL is believing her, over her own son, which says it all really.

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everyspring · 08/05/2011 15:29

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BertieBotts · 08/05/2011 20:52

Thanks. :) It helps to have somewhere to vent about it. I just feel so sorry for the little one he's abandoned. What kind of warped templates is that implanting in their mind? (Sorry, being ambiguous about gender because not my place to identify the family)

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