I just need to rant about my in laws!

[EveWasFramed72]

I love my DH's family, honestly I do, but if I have to attend one more family gathering where I am on the defensive all the time, I will become more argumentative than I already am!

So, the back story: I grew up in a family who had fairly traditional gender roles, except that my grandmother (who is still a huge influence on me) worked outside of the home, and was treated as a very equal partner by my grandfather (which I know should be a given, but in 1950's America, we know that it wasn't always the case). My mom stayed home with me when I was young, but my dad helped out a lot around the house when he wasn't at work, and they did share lots of childcare for me...another good equal partnership example.

Before I met my DH, I lived alone and loved it, had a successful teaching career, supported myself, blah, blah, blah. We moved to China for his job, but I found a job, and rejected the 'expat wife' gig...I wanted to make my own money and be independent outside of him. I stayed home for a bit when our children were born, because I wanted to, but once they were sort of 2/3 years old, I went back to work, then to uni to earn a Master's degree.

My rant is that my DH grew up in a really traditional house where his dad did nothing but work, and the boys in particular were completely catered to. His siblings operate the same way...none of the men in the family (aside from DH) even knows how to make a cup of tea, let alone do laundry or dishes! DH and I don't work that way...he is expected to do an equal amount of what needs doing, and he is more than willing to share responsibility, but DH's family gives me a hard time about this at every gathering. SIL told me yesterday that it was 'weird' that I double barrelled my name when we got married, and even 'weirder' that I didn't want to take his name at all...her line was 'well, nobody does THAT, surely'. Mother in Law pipes in with 'well, if you hadn't changed your name, then DH shouldn't have had to share his money with you!' (when I had my own job) They think it's awful that I don't iron his work shirts, and can't figure out why on earth I would dream of applying for a PhD studentship (which I am in the process of doing now), when just getting a job would pay so much more. They are a huge part of my children's life, and while I know that DH are going to have the biggest impact, I just don't want them encouraged into traditional roles...or made fun of for wanting to do untraditional stuff (they are only 4 and 3 at the moment, so it's not an issue just yet).

I know...I am letting it bother me, and I shouldn't...but today I am feeling guilty and mean for defending myself ffs. The thing is, they are wonderful to my children, and when we have normal conversation, they are lovely, so it's not like I don't have a good relationship with them, I just feel like when they're all together, they want someone to pick on, and I'm the easy target.

Anyone else have this? How on earth do you deal with it? I've tried humour, intellegent comebacks, ignoring...nothing seems to work.

I feel for you OP

tell your DH you don't like feeling attacked?? and maybe for him to have a word with them?

God what a lot to put up with! If I was you, i'd just try to stop the conversation in an ever so slightly snippy way, so when they say something just say, "Well, everyone makes their own choices don't they", "Yes, people do have different ideas about how to live their life don't they", "Yes, it's funny how differently we feel about this kind of thing isn't it" and by just not perpetuating the conversation, waiting for it to stop. Also like the idea of mentioning to your husband about how you feel criticised/attacked by them and it's wearing thin.

When people are that set in their beliefs about stuff like that, it's infuriating, and I suspect it's almost pointless to try and change their minds. You can 'defend yourself' without being rude. If they criticise, just politely explain your position. They probably won't listen, or will roll their eyes, or laugh. But just try to stay polite and good humoured. All this is stuff which you probably already do. Unfortunately, I think you probably just have to keep doing it.

I would, however, DEFINITELY expect your OH to also defend you when you come under attack. I have often seen seemingly perfectly reasonable men deliberately or subconsciously ignore it when their partners come under attack from their own families, presumably for an easy life - head in the sand, pretend it's not happening sort of stuff. If he's not defending you when you feel under attack, then that's something you should talk to him about.

Possibly a useless post, sorry. But I do sympathise.

All really good responses...thank you!! I just really needed to hear that I was a bit justified in my annoyance. I do agree about bringing DH on board, and he does know full well about all the stuff that goes on (he was sitting at the same table during the conversation yesterday), the hard thing to explain here is that : he doesn't defend me, and I think it's because it's all done in a 'jokey' manner...a few years ago when we first moved to England, he used to participate in this 'joking', but after a really serious discussion, he no longer participates, but he also doesn't necessarily speak up for me either. A little of that is noble on his part: he knows I'm smart and will speak up for myself, so I think he doesn't want to undermine me, if that makes any sense.
Believe me, he knows his family (he actually can't stand the SIL either!), and he knows that showing weakness of any kind makes things worse!

Sorry...two glasses of wine and I'm rambling now!!

I've got many parallels. I don't have much of a relationship with the in laws now though as they are mean mean mean. These days, I ignore, or death stare. But that comes with a whole load of history. All the other things you mention I have tried in the past, humour meets with the tumbleweed, intelligent goes over their heads. So I'm not much help cos I wouldn't recommend getting to the point I'm at. But I hear you and you're not wrong

"SIL told me yesterday that it was 'weird' that I double barrelled my name when we got married, and even 'weirder' that I didn't want to take his name at all...her line was 'well, nobody does THAT, surely'."

If she says it again you could come back with "The whole of the Spanish speaking world actually - so about 380million people"

How about just laughing it off in a derisory manner? Like: "Ha ha, welcome to the 21st century." Then change the subject or walk off.

My American friends who are married all seem to double-barrel their surnames whereas it would be unusual in the UK.

I like parakeet's approach :)

I imagine you'll give your children a balanced approach and they'll be fine. You know, "mum and dad like to share tasks this way because.....but not everyone is as capable or chooses not to do so".

You're not going to change the minds of your in-laws so probably not worth the effort.