Help me to understand these thought processes please.

[Fallenwoman]

During my marriage my ex was repeatedly unfaithful to me, with women he met out and also with prostitutes, he was doing this the whole time we were trying for children so put us all in a lot of danger. I split up with him but he refused to move out for over 8 months afterwards and only went after I called the police because he attacked me.

While he was still there I had a short fling, cant really call it a relationship, that lasted about 6 weeks. He snooped, went through my phone, put spyware on the computer etc and found out all the details.

Since then he has told me he feels totally justified in doing everything he did to me as always "knew" I would end up doing it to him. He told me that he could never get back with me (gutted! not!) and his family all think he is a mug for paying child support and being on friendly terms with me because I had this "affair" and "f*cked around" on him. I know that his family do feel like this because of their attitudes towards me now. They all know everything else that went on in the marriage before but still see me as some kind of Scarlet Woman for what happened at the end.

Now I am actually pretty angry about this. It does no good to try to justify myself with him or them but I want to understand more about why I am thought of like this by many who know us, including those who know the full story. What he did is acceptable as this is what Men do. But what I did is disgusting and I am the lowest of the low.

I hope I have posted this in the right place.

Hmm, FW, your ordeal is a feminist issue in that double standards are being applied and you were 'supposed' (by whom?) to put up with your ex's repulsive behaviours. But I think, on the whole, you might get more satisfaction in the Relationships forum.

You seem to be struggling with the many questions of "Why did this happen?" that tend to afflict us after the end of an abusive relationship. Also, your in-laws are liable to be biased and to have caused the attitudes & values that led to his behaviours. Relationships is well populated by women who've suffered similar, and can help you work your way through the distress.

I'm sorry you've been hurt so much, and glad you're out of it now.

Thanks for replying, will post there. It is just I am frequent lurker here on the Feminist board and funnily enough I am more enraged by the attitudes surrounding his treatment of me rather than the actual treatment. I have come a long way since it all happened and this today, was rather a bolt from the blue. He has sisters and we have mutual friends who also feel this way towards me and this is what I was trying to understand, that other women who know what he did to me firstly are able to take the stance that they do against me.

Just trying to understand how deep rooted it must be for them to be able to feel this way as it actually makes no sense.

Fallenwoman - a woman's behaviour is still held to a higher standard than men's behaviour. Think about how women who leave a relationship and their children are viewed. It is widely acceptable for a man to do this but not a woman.

There are plenty of men who get away with attacking their partners too, even after going through courts it is inherent in this society (Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Chris Brown spring to mind).

Your XH sounds like a chauvinist prick and as garlicbutter said he has almost certainly got this attitude from his family. You do know that despite what they think, what he did is not acceptable? I can understand how hurtful this must be for you considering that you really didn't do anything wrong! Do your mutual friends know what he did? I think I might be dropping a few of them if they feel that way!

I would also be wary of what he said about child support. This could be the beginning of him not paying any support so I would be getting things in place for a fight IYSWIM!

Everyone knows what happened. Some friends would be with him when he was actually up to stuff. However those were his friends before they were mine.

He has already reduced child support actually. Though says he will put it back up again next month.

I know he got this attitude from his family thats for sure, what is scary is the sheer numbers of people who seem to think this way.

This is all a big fat excuse for his shit behaviour, both past and future.

He is incapable of taking responsibility for his own behaviour and admitting that it was wrong. Deep down, he knows it is wrong, but if he can make you some kind of monster who deserved it and drove him to it in his own mind, he can then pretend to himself, that there was nothing wrong with his behaviour - that bullshit of "she's as bad as me, therefore I've done nothing wrong".

Apart from anything else, you have NOT done anything wrong. There is nothing immoral, illegal or wrong about fucking someone when you are splitting up with someone else. You could fuck a hundred men in the next year and as long as you use protection and don't hurt anyone else and don't upset your children, there is nothing wrong with that.

His family produced this loser. He got his attitude to women and to taking responsibility for his behaviour, from them. If they condemned his behaviour, they might have to look at their own. Thye don't want to do that - it's far easier to scapegoat you.

He has no intention of paying maintenance long term anyway and in order to justify not financially supporting his children, once again, he has to scapegoat you and make you out to be such a monster, that you don't deserve his hard earned money. The fact that he's depriving his children, is neither here nor there because losers like this can justify anything in their own minds - as they can't face up to themselves and take ownership of their behaviour, they don't need to justify damaging their children because they reason that it's someone else's fault that they have chosen the course of action they have.

The argument runs: She's a bitch, so I don't pay her, so it's her fault they haven't got my money, because I woudl pay if she weren't a bitch. Their own behaviour is totally and completely absent from their analysis, because they can't face their own behaviour. If they did, they would understand what vile atrocious people they are and they would have to change. But people like your ex and his family don't want to change.

Oh and the reason that so many people think this way, is because traditionally, women have always been expected to take responsibility for men's behaviour. Hence blaming rape victims, DV victims etc.

And popular culture - pop music, films, soaps etc., still push that idea, that people don't have real responsibility for their actions or their feelings. There is a real lack of emotional literacy in popular culture IMO.

I thought there were zillions of people like that. Actually it was more the case that I attracted and/or tolerated them (childhood lessons.) It stands to reason, FW, that your ex would live amongst people with warped values, so - as you're talking mainly about his friends & family, plus some you acquired as a couple - the people whose views upset you are, in fact, all damaged. My advice: get new friends

Oh, and prepare to fight over his responsibilities to his children. Good luck!