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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

i'm fuming at "d"h - he thinks i should give up my new business and stay at home. wtf.

20 replies

superv1xen · 12/04/2011 10:04

i am not speaking to him at the moment. i am so hurt and angry.

i have two dc aged nearly 2 and nearly 5. i started my own cleaning business a couple of months ago and tbh ever since i started it he has not been very supportive. but i have now managed to get 3 clients (3 days work a week) and up till now my mum has been able to help me out with looking after the DC while i work but now she can only have them for one day due to her own work commitments changing, so i will have to find a childminder for 2 days. which will obviously cost, so therefore i will earn less.

DH keeps bleating about "whats the point" in me working for "next to nothing", and is saying he doesn't want the DC to be looked after by some stranger he is being very disparaging about it all, as if it is just some "little" job, ok its basically just a cleaning job, it might not be running the country but its what i want to do and i am damn proud of what i have achieved so far. he wants me at home and i don't believe its to do with wanting the best for the DC, its to do with not wanting me to work. and its not nice. i find it controlling. why can't he just be proud of me and be supportive.

he is missing the point spectacularly which is that this is about building MY business, its what I want to do, admittedly, sometimes with paying for childcare i will not earn as much but i will still be earning SOMETHING as my business grows. Also, I am enjoying working, and it is giving me no end of confidence...something that i have been sadly lacking since having the dc. Also once both DC are at full time school i will not need a childminder and it will be mostly profit and hopefully my business will have grown even more by then. I also want my DC to see their mum working, I want them to have nice things and if i am not working then we will not be able to afford to give them the life i want to give them.

sorry for rambling :( wasn't sure where to post this tbh but i would quite like to get some opinions from a feminist POV.

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 12/04/2011 10:13

With childcare the net gain to the household will not be as much, but you will still be earning just as much.

Childcare is a shared cost.

TrillianAstra · 12/04/2011 10:15

Can't really find the words to explain, but I understand that you want to work because you want to.

Did you discuss before you had the children what would happen with regards to them potentially being "looked after by some stranger"?

He is being ridiculous, is it not better for them to be looked after by someone who wants to spend time with a 2 year old? Then again I think eveyrone who shuns not-immediately-related childcare is ridiculous.

Beamur · 12/04/2011 10:16

You have a great attitude to your business and work. Like TrillianAstra says, childcare is a shared cost, plus the benefits to you in terms of self esteem are worth having, even if it dents your profits a little.
Stick to your guns!

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 12/04/2011 10:19

grrrrrrr!

he's thinking rather short-term, isn't he? quite apart from all the other issues.
He's being idiotic. My dh would love it if I came up with a business idea and got going with it like you have done.

But basically, your reasons for wanting to work seem really sound. I think it is fantastic what you have done so far in setting up a business. It sounds like he is threatened by your independence, he wants an easy life with a little woman at home doing all the childcare so he doesn't have to even think about it. He is trying to manipulate you by using the children being cared for by strangers to try and guilt-trip you (when we ALL KNOW that they are NOT going to be harmed, and may well benefit, from a few hours a week with a good childminder).

KatishaVinganegg · 12/04/2011 10:26

My children were looked after by some stranger for nigh on 9 years.

Well actually she was only a stranger in the first week. After that she, and her other childminding charges, were like a surrogate family, from which they benefitted enormously.

Can he not see that it's not like seeing a complete stranger every day?

Topoff · 12/04/2011 10:27

Can he cut his hours down so he looks after the children while you work

Bramshott · 12/04/2011 10:57

Apart from all the logical, valid and sensible things you've already set out very coherently, in this uncertain economic climate, it may well be a good idea for your family to have more than one income to rely on. If he was ill, or made redundant, your business could well make a real difference to the family survival.

Original poster

superv1xen · 12/04/2011 10:57

he is being ridiculous re the childcare. most working parents have to at some point employ someone they are not related to for childcare. but as i said in my OP i don't think its to do with the fact he is so bothered about who looks after the dc but more that he wants me at home. as sethstark also said.

topoff he wouldnt be able to cut his hours at work down, he earns good money and we couldn't afford for him to work less even if his work allowed it (which i doubt)

OP posts:

Original poster

superv1xen · 12/04/2011 10:58

ooops apols for all the bolding! in a rush, am just about to go out! to work, ironically :)

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 12/04/2011 11:00

He's being a tit. He should be a) valuing your independence b) supporting your desire to have a life outside of DC c) appreciating the additional income you are bringing and will continue to bring to the household.

He must get over himself.

KatishaVinganegg · 12/04/2011 11:03

WHy do you think he wants you at home? Are there issues?
Is it the cleaning he objects to do you think?

Ephiny · 12/04/2011 11:11

He's being ridiculous, surely a childminder is only a stranger the first time the children meet her?

Do you know why he might want you at home? I wondered if it was about the cleaning as well - my mum has been a stay-at-home mum/wife for most of her married life, she started doing a bit of cleaning work after we were all grown up, and she quite liked making a bit of money of her own, feeling she had something worthwhile to do, and chatting to the clients (it was cleaning for older people who couldn't manage too well on their own, so they were generally home while she was cleaning). My dad however really didn't like it, and nagged her into giving it up in the end. I think he felt it reflected badly on him as a professional man and a husband, that it made him look like he couldn't 'support a wife' if people saw her going out and doing what he considered 'menial' work.

Original poster

superv1xen · 14/04/2011 10:33

hi sorry i haven't been back on to reply, thank you for the helpful replies. i spoke to him about it later on after writing that post and told him how hurt i was and he says he was only concerned about me "working my arse off" (his words) for not much money. hmmm. and also very interesting what some posters have said about childcare being a "shared cost" as well, i never looked at it like that. and i should.

OP posts:

TheBolter · 14/04/2011 10:40

AllI can say is good for you. You sound like you have an amazing attitude and I'd gladly employ you as my cleaner anytime!

I hope things are resolved with your dh, it would be a real shame if you give up on this due to his attitude.

superdragonmama · 14/04/2011 10:51

Wasn't one of the finalists on the last series of the Apprentice 'only' a cleaner?

A business is a business, and good on you for starting one. Every business starts off small, and who knows where it will lead?

DC's will almost certainly benefit from good childcare while you benefit from being out a work, and you sound amazing - great mother and great worker too.

Agree that childcare costs are part of overall household expenses, and not just the responsibility of the mother; would add that arranging care for the DCs is also a shared responsibility between both parents. Hope your DH comes round soon.

Ephiny · 14/04/2011 11:00

I agree completely about childcare being a shared cost, find it very annoying when people compare the cost of childcare to the mother's salary only and say 'it isn't worth her working' or 'she hardly earns anything after she's paid for her childcare'. It should be mentally subtracted from your joint income, not just yours!

Glad you were able to talk about it, keep on making sure your needs and preferences and aspirations are taken into account as well as his, and don't get pushed into the SAHM role if that's not right for you.

Ephiny · 14/04/2011 11:04

Yes one of the Apprentice finalists was a woman who started out as a cleaner and worked her way up to owning and running her own business. I seem to remember she was told she didn't need the job as she was already a successful businesswoman in her own right. She did seem to have a bit of a chip on her shoulder about it being 'only' cleaning though which was a shame.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/04/2011 11:09

Hey Superv1xen, sorry to hear your husband is being a tit. Firstly as others have said, I'm sure your earnings minus half the childcare cost (your half) are still well worth having in the household income. Secondly your business will grow as time goes on - in fact some people have made a lot of money out of cleaning businesses, employing others in the future etc.

If you think he wants you at home then I imagine the only thing to do is express how determined you are to work - something that is good for you and good for the household - and then ignore his comments until he gets over it.

You do sound fab btw :)

I remember Julie Burchill writing that she was always really pleased that her mum went out to work because her dad said "If your mum didn't work she'd go mad - and you wouldn't want your mother to go mad now would you?" :o

NicknameTaken · 14/04/2011 12:28

I think it's an important point that the work is building your confidence. Maybe it's worth saying that to your H. Doesn't look great if he prefers you to be at home and lacking in confidence!

Quodlibet · 14/04/2011 12:44

Adding to the voices here. Childcare is as much his responsibility as it is yours. You (plural) need to find a childminder. You (plural) will have to cover the cost of this with your (joint) income. I think you should make sure you base all discussions about what 'we' will do re the childcare/work issue, not what you personally will do.

What does he say if you suggest that he reduces his hours by a day a week to cover some of the childcare?

Maybe worth also pointing out that most businesses run at a very low profit for the first couple of years while they are getting established - sounds like a very wise choice of yours to start building your business now so that when the children are both in school it is ready to fly, not starting from scratch.

Good for you starting your own businesses - as others have said don't let his unenlightened opinions be an obstacle to your success.

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