That old chestnut: Fathers Threatening Daughters' Future Boyfriends

[HengshanRoad]

Does this rankle with anyone else? For example, when a man has a baby daughter, the comments from others of "Oh, just wait sixteen years and you'll be threatening any boys who call round for her".

I find it troubling somehow. It's overbearingly patriarchal.

I find it a bit icky, yes.

Yes, it makes me wince.

Or when fathers say they wouldn't let any teenage boy near their teenage girl because "I know what I was like at that age".

As if a teenage girl couldn't possibly have and manage her own sexual desires.

Freaky stuff, and, interestingly, not at all something I experienced from my own dad or brother. VERY patriarchal, and yes, as Frances says, completely ignores the girl's own sexuality. creeeepy.

Glad I'm not alone! I think it also has to do with the premature assignment of sexual characteristics and behaviours e.g. "Oh look, he's flirting", about a baby boy.

Frances that's spot-on ... it's really unpleasant.

My brothers would know better but I was gobsmacked to find my dad honestly believed that when I got married I became a 'proper adult' - because I was symbolically leaving his care and going to my husband's?!

This thread reminds me of that creepy American craze for wearing chastity rings given by fathers to their daughters.

I'd actually happily threaten a DD's future boyfriend if I thought he was a shit. So would DH. I would defind my daughter's right to be happy and look out for any boyfirends who treated her badly and would cause ehr unhappiness.

However, the actual trick is to raise a daughter with enough nous and self esteem not to pick a git in the first place.

I completely disagree with women being treated as perpetual children only fit to be handed from a father to a husband with no mind of her own. That is vile.

Oh, and the idea that the most valuable and important thing about a young girl is her virginity. That is yuk as well.

Yeurch. It reminds me of an episode of Supernanny I was watching recently (I know ) where the parents were massively strict with one of their daughters. She was 14 or something and never allowed out with her friends, not even to the cinema or to their houses, and she had to babysit her younger siblings all the time. Jo made her sit down with her parents and discuss why they were so anxious about letting her out. Eventually the dad came out with this gem - "we're afraid of her losing her virginity."

I mean, WTF? She's 14, she wants to go to the shopping mall with her female friends, not out to nightclubs. Obviously you don't want your young teenage daughter having sex, but it's going to happen one day. And I don't think massively repressing her freedom when she's younger is going to help your case one bit.

Yeah its Icky definetly

I got pregnant v. young and had to wait a long time to tell my dad out of fear like 8 months.

He was more annoyed I hadn't told him I had a boyfriend

"I'd actually happily threaten a DD's future boyfriend if I thought he was a shit. So would DH."

So, how would parents treat their son's girlfriend if they didn't like her?

Yuk even if the 14 year old girl was going to lose her virginity, as long as it was consensual and she wanted to, wtf business is it of her father's?

Creepy

I hate this. They're seeing their daughter primarily as a sexual creature who must be protected/remain pure in order to be worthwhile. It's a short step from there to the "honour killing" mentality IMO.

You are right - it is absolutely awful isn't it?

I was talking about dd (15) to DP last night. DD has a long standing boyfriend, they are getting on very well. DD has told me that she wants to wait before she is legal before having sex, we have no reason to disbelieve her, but both of us agree that if she wanted to have sex, well she is mature enough to make that decision.

I view DD's boyfriend as I do her friends.

I would be horrified if I knew any man who was like this with his daughters. It is all about control isn't it. Utterly vile.

I think it's totally different to be angry if your child is with someone horrible - male or female. I had a wanker of an ex boyfriend and was very touched that my little brother cared enough to sit me down and tell me to stop getting upset over him because he was a nasty person. I didn't think that came across in at all the same way.

I'm at the point where loads of my friends suddenly seem to be getting married, and it's a real eye-opener how many of their dads who seemed quite sane and normal, suddenly get dewy-eyed about 'handing you over to' and 'losing my little girl'.

I prefer my uncle's take on it all. My little cousin is 18 and her dad's view is that he'll treat her and her boyfriends like any other adult couple who came to his house - that may mean he's a bit formal but unless she wants to talk to him about anything, he won't treat them as anything else.

It's thoroughly creepy and nasty. That awful American movement about Father-Daughter Purity Balls (balls is about right) has always sounded like a child abusers' charter to me.

If my daughter came home with a twat or he was a lot older or he treated her like crap I think I'd make his life pretty unpleasant.

LRD - I think I'd feel like that too, when my girls get married. I wouldn't run around telling everyone, though! My MIL did that with my DH - it was very pathetic and embarrassing! For years afterwards when she came over she'd come and hug him and start to cry saying 'I miss you so much!'.

And I would feel very angry with anyone who treated my children badly - boys or girls, and would feel very protective. But I know that our role as parents is to teach our children how to protect themselves and to have enough self-esteem to be able to walk away from toxic friendships and relationships.

I don't see my my DH should be exempt from those parental feelings just because he's a man and his children are girls. I think the issue comes from when dads feel like that out of a sense of owning the children, rather than simply loving them IYSWIM

Exactly: any parent would be angry with a person who mistreats their DC, and I would have some sympathy with the father who, in the course of rescuing his DD from a violent abuser, gives the bloke a punch in the face. But that's quite another matter from wanting to prevent any man having sex with the DD.

I'd always put it down as just another of the inane things people say about newborns - vaguely tied to a new rush of emotion for this tiny thing and the strong urge to protect. Even evolved men remember their teenage years and the careless impulses they had (especially if they had a "no strings attached" phase of sexual activity). There's along time of actual parenting ahead, and many things said about newborns will fade as the reality of your growing child becomes your actual life.