How has feminism changed you?

[darleneconnor]

For those of you who haven't always been feminists how has it changed you?

Thinking back to my late teens when I certainly did not identify as a feminist, there is so much I think about differently now eg

-If I had got married then I would have changed my name, I wouldn't now, out of principle even though I hate my surname.

-I see lap dancing as exploitative rather than harmless fun and a good way for girls to male money

-same goes for porn (I'm embarassed to say I once teased a BF for not liking/watching porn )

-I try to show solidarity with other women and try not to be bitchy about them.

-I have gone to great lengths to practice gender neutral parenting.

-I dont call other women tarts/slags/sluts etc

-I refuse to do DP's laundry etc, whereas before I probably would have seen this as a way of showing love.

-I would now assume that someone who says she has been raped/is a victim of dv is telling the truth rather then automatically doubting them. I wouldn't victim-blame now, whereas I think I might have in the past .

It's actually quite scary to think I could have gone through my whole life very differenty if I hadn't 'discovered' feminism.

Most of the above, with the addition that I find the world a rather sadder place than I used to. It is easier to have less understanding of how it all works for men and women. I think you have to be utterly wilfully blind or very rich not to gain that understanding once you've had a baby.

You refuse to do his laundry because he's a man?

Doing anything for anyone else (whether that be laundry) can be a sign of love so not sure what you mean here??

I'd agree with pretty much all of those. I've always identified as a feminist but it's only in the last couple of years, as I've read up on feminist issues, talked to people on here etc, that I've really changed my mind about some of those things.

The solidarity thing is a very important one to me - not judging women based on their appearance/blaming them/bitching about them. I'd like to think that I didn't do it that much anyway, but it's only recently that I've started to realise the importance of standing up for your sex.

I'm also rather more bolshy than I used to be - not that I was ever a retiring little flower, but I am very upfront (especially with men) these days and I will always try pull people up on comments that are sexist or anti-feminist. I do seem to end up on the subject of feminism with absolutely everybody I talk to these days, but I think that's a good thing!

But I still don't see how refusing to do his laundry means you're a feminist? I realise its only one of the examples you gave but it doesn't make much sense to me...

Pretty much everything you said, Darlene and I also see the world as a sadder place now. I look at everything differently, particularly the media, language, and other people's relationships.

I also once teased an ex-boyfriend for not liking porn. Every other man I knew liked it and watched it. And I am now extremely ashamed of doing this.

re the laundry issue:
if he has been assuming you will do his laundry merely because you're a woman, and is using the excuse of love as a way to manipulate you into doing his share of domestic work, but he has never done your laundry, then sticking up for yourself on the laundry issue would be a pretty feminist thing to do.

I currently do my dh's laundry as I am at home, he has done mine for long periods in the past (when I was sick/had a newborn), he doesn't try to shirk his share of the chores and in that situation it is indeed an expression of love and me suddenly refusing to do it would not be feminist (or very nice).

I am assuming Darlene's situation is more like my first paragraph than my second.

-i now think twice about the amount of housework i do compared to dh, i grew up in an environment where my mum did EVERYTHING and my dad never lifted a finger (it was only in the 90's!) and at the time, it was just like, thats what mums/women DO. well not in THIS house! not any more!

-in fact i have realised a LOT of my formative years have had a negative effect on me, growing up all i saw was my mum dieting and moaning about how "fat" "old" and "ugly" she was (she was none of those) while praising me for being so "pretty" and "slim", which made me feel my looks were the only thing that mattered :( and i would be nothing without them, an attitude that i have only just started to try and change.

-i have stopped reading trashy magazines like heat etc as i can't stand the constant criticising of women, disguised as humour, ie pics of some sleb in a bikini with rings drawn round her (usually non existent) cellulite

-same goes for some newspapers (particularly the sun and the daily mail) which i am ashamed to say i used to read and think nothing of.

-i also don't read cosmopolitan (which i LOVED in my younger days) as it makes me sick how basically most of the articles boil down to making your man happy, and how to look sexy to get or keep a man Pathetic.

-i look at friends relationships where they just accept sexist treatment from their "men" for example never lifting a finger in the home or with the DC and acting like they have cured cancer if they so much as wash a single pot or make a cup of tea. and i actually get properly angry and sad that they not only put up with it, they even laugh it off as a kind of, awww, men what are they like, bless. iyswim!

-i also think twice before describing any woman as a slut or a slag or any of those horrible misogynistic words.

and there is probably more, in fact i actually can't believe how much i have changed since discovering this board.

I no longer feel to blame that I've been raped