Travelling with DCs with different names

[BlingLoving]

I wasn't sure where to put this , so putting it here.

My family are very concerned as I did not take DH's name when we got married but DS will have his surname. They are convinced I will not be able to travel with DS. I was prepared for this level of frustration so had assumed I'd have to keep a copy of my marriage certificate and possibly DS's birth certificate on me when travelling, but my parents (paranoid? Never) have heard that a friend who was travelling with her DC AND Her husband STILL had a problem and they are panicking.

Any thoughts/comments? My mother would like me to simply change my n ame as she thinks that would be easier. Her incredibly stupid helpful suggestion was that I change my name on just my passport for convenience. She didn't know how to respond to my, "for a start, that is not convenient and secondly I'm not changing my name simply to reinforce the patronising patriachy of people at customs."

You can't change your name just on your passport.

I don't know how you can convince your parents that it's not a problem. I have my mum's surname & thus a different surname to my dad - it was never a problem when we travelled as a family. I have my own surname & DD has DP's surname, & again we have not had any problems when travelling together. When travelling alone I might take a copy of our marriage certificate/her birth certificate just to be sure, but that hasn't happened yet. Think there have been threads about this in the general travel section.

DD has my surname as one of her middle names (& I have my dad's surname as the same) so if you look at her passport & at my passport it's clear there is a name connection iyswim.

My cousin kept her name, but her children have both surnames (for example, Smith Jones). They've travelled abroad several times as a family and not had problems (and we live in a country that is VERY strict on minors travelling abroad).

It's very likely that I will regularly travel with just DS, especially while on maternity leave, as both my family and DH's are scattered around so I'll probably take the opportunity to visit them while I'm not working. Potentially, I am likely to leave the UK at least twice with just DS and me in the next few months. Possibly more, as on two additional trips we're planning together I might go ahead and DH will catch me up (although on one of those, I will travel with PIL so actually, DS will have someone with his name with us I guess).

Doesn't a baby passport say who the parents are?

Thanks both, but we will not be giving DS any part of my name. My name does not work as a middle name and I don't particularly care that much.

In that case I should think that taking his birth certificate along should be fine.

I think regardless of whether you have the same name or not, if you are travelling abroad with DCs and only one parent you are supposed to have a signed letter from the other parent.

No, the passport doesn't say who the parents are.

In that case, I would add to my travel documents your marriage cert, birth cert & a notarised letter from your partner.

Iskra - I'm finding myself getting all bolshie now! Totally have no problem with marriage and/or birth certificate but letter from DH giving me permission. That feels like something I should fight on moral grounds.

Arrgh, this being a feminist thing is hard!

A friend traveled to the US with her DD - same surnames - and they wouldn't let her in until they had spoken to DH to check that he had given permission for the DW to leave the country with DC!!!!! Surname had nothing to do with it. When my own parents travel with my kids - different surname - I always give them a letter signed by DH and myself giving contact numbers and "authorisation" for them to travel. Sad I know - but you never know how "careful" some authorities are going to be.

Italian women don't change their surname when they marry and Spanish children take a combination of father/mother surnames.

None of them have any trouble travelling!

Dd's Dad is Italian, so she has his surname. We don't have any trouble. The only more recent development is that European countries are asking for letters giving permission for a minor to travel if they are travelling with only one parent, to minimise the risk of cross-border abduction. Would it help to think that if your child's father travels alone with them, even if they have his surname, eventually you'll be asked to give him your permission?

Bling - but despite having the same surname, your DH would also need a signed letter from you if he was travelling alone with the DCs.

If that's true that DH would also need that permission, I am less stressed about it, yes. And it's likely he will do some travelling without me - not a lot, but some - once he becomes a SAHD. It's the "dad gets to give mum permission" thing that freaks me out!

Of course, my parents' concern is that their friend WAS travelling with her DC AND her husband and they apparently still had a problem. Of course, this was heard 3rd or 4th hand and it was told to me by my mother - the queen of forseeing disaster at all times!

We've done it the Spanish way (we currently live in Spain) so DD has both DH's and my surnames (not double barrelled or as a middle name).

When we (hopefully) have DC2, which will be in the UK, we will do the same thing because there is no fixed way of "doing" a name on a birth certificate as such.

In normal UK situations, the DCs will probably use the surname that is written first (as the Spaniards do) which happens to be DH's (although it could just as easily have been mine, but it sounds better that way round).

I quite agree with what you said to your mother! Mine (and my MiL) both seemed to believe for a long time that legally I was actually Mrs DH's surname even though I hadn't changed my name...

As for the travelling thing, if you are aware and prepared, it is really not a hassle. You're more likely to get stopped if you have a different name from the DCs, but I have heard of some people with the same name as their DCs being stopped and asked if they have the other parent's agreement to travel abroad with the DCs - that was more on the US/Canada or US/Mexico border than here, but they are getting hotter on it in Europe too because of post-divorce custody battles.

I have a different name from my DCs, who were born outside the UK, and I have been travelling solo with them since they were little. The frequency of being asked if they are mine etc has been increasing, so I travel with their birth certificates and DH's death certificate to show that they are mine and I am not travelling against the wishes of the other parent. Children's passports for some reason do not give their parents' names, and of course that still wouldn't mean that both parents agreed to the travel.

I guess for most people a letter from the other parent is a good idea just in case. I am taking one of DS's friends overseas in the summer, and will get his parents to do a permission letter just in case.

Yes, I've had this problem. I got stopped on the way back in after a daytrip to France because the DC have a different surname to me - they said I'm supposed to have a letter from their father. I always do this now but I deeply deeply resent it. What if you don't have any contact with the father? What if you don't know where he is even, or if contact could be dangerous?

If it's the case that a letter is required even if the surnames are the same, what happens to single parents who have adopted or used donor insemination?

BTW, the story your parents are getting het up about is almost certainly not true or has been mangled in the telling somehow - both parents travelling together with DCs should be absolutely fine, unless for some reason they believed the mother was not the actual mother, in which case carrying the birth certificate would solve the problem. Certainly much easier than changing your name just on your passport, and then trying to explain why your ID/credit cards etc did not match.

PoP - I presume adoptive/donor single parents don't have another parent's name on the birth certificate, so that would make the situation fairly clear? But I can see that people who have split up and lost track of the other parent, or who have a very difficult ex, might have problems.

I've kept my surname and DD has my husband's. My DD has UK/US passports, where as I only have US. I've never had a problem, even with traveling alone with her. I would take a copy of the birth certificate if I were organized just to be sure.

As Sportsmum says, the US can be a bit difficult about these things, as they are really concerned by international parental kidnappings. But again, never had a problem, but perhaps it's because I'm "one of them"

its never occured to me to worry - I blithely passed through Gatwick last year with DD who has her Dad's surname. Her passport is hers, mine is mine - there's no law that says we have to have the same names. I can't see where the problem occurs, how do surnames relate to the liklihood of child abduction?

I assume the reason OP's family are worrying is because lots of people believe that you are 'supposed' to change your name when you get married - which is just wrong and you just have to explain it.

I'm not married to DP and DD does not have my last name. I travel via Schiphol airport regularly and they do sometimes ask for a birth certificate, or a copy of DPs passport. It's luck of the draw, sometimes they ask, sometimes they don't. You're doing the right thing taking extra documents just in case, but I doubt it's necessary to change your name.

The anecdote from your parents' friend sounds a bit to me. Why would there be trouble if the child travelled with the father present, just because there is another woman with a different name. They either misunderstood or there was more to it than that.

I think it's only recently been brought in by UK borders. I've happily travelled with my "non-matching" DCs for a decade or so, but was asked for the first time this year. As my DCs are bigger, and answered robustly "Of course that's Mummy" they didn't ask for documents (good job, didn't have anything with me).

Child trafficking is serious.

But as pointed out, non-matching surnames are not in themselves a particularly reliable indicator (but might be handy if it's a random "auntie" scenario, I suppose). The officials will be looking at your attitude and demeanour when challenged, as much as what documents you have.

partially changing your name (eg keeping your own for professional purposes and changing the name on your passport) is the worst thing you can do - confuses American immigration no end if you are trying to go there for a conference and you show them the conference programme with your unmarried name on it (experienced by several friends of mine).

and yes, I have heard of people travelling alone with dcs having trouble even when they have the same name as them.

3 different names in this family. We've travelled a lot and never had the slightest problem.

Thanks all. I do suspect my parents are getting a seriously mangled story. I will go with passport, birth certificate and letter from DH. The child trafficking thing does make sense and I can see how in light of the fact tht most people are more biased against fathers, that DH is actually like to have more of a problem travelling with DS alone than I will. Especially as DS will have his name but will have a UK passport and DH's passport isn't English...