How to deal with unwanted staring in public?

[StarsAreShining]

I'm not sure that this is really the correct place to post, but thought that I might get some good advice here.

I've been encountering some very creepy, unwanted staring and don't really know what to do about it. I'm not sure that there is anything I can do, but I'm very angry that I'm being made to feel so uncomfortable in public. Is there a good way to deal with this? He also often tries to stand close to me, but has never touched me. He doesn't do this to anybody else, presumably because I'm often the only young woman around. I did consider that the man may have something wrong with him which causes him to behave in this way, but this is only ever directed at young women and I've heard him hold completely normal conversations with other men.

As a nice little twist, I'm fairly sure that it's the same man who once pestered me at the same bus stop when I was 16. I can't be entirely sure because it was seven years ago, but I immediately thought that it was him. The man has stuck in my memory. He kept talking to me about how much he likes younger women and how his younger wife cheated on him (with inappropiate sexual descriptions). I sat on the outside seat of an aisle to stop him being close to me, but he sat on the chair in front, then turned around and knelt on it so that he could continue to bother me.

I could have mixed up the two men, but there's something about this man that is making me feel very unhappy. I'm dreading the warmer weather because I don't feel comfortable wearing any less clothing than the huge coat and baggy jeans I'm currently wearing! I feel particularly angry that he's having such a negative impact on my life and that I can't force him to stop.

What would you do? I could hang around in the town and get a later bus if he's at the bus stop. I know this all sounds very over the top, but my reaction to this man is now becoming very aggressive (internally) and my heart starts to pound every time I see him.

tell him straight, loud and clear so that otehrs can hear "your staring is making me uncomfortable. please stop"

if he tries to start a conversation, justify his staring ("you are so pretty i cant help myself" etc) then ignore him and move away. if he follows tell him you will report him for harassment if he doesn't leave you alone. and dont be afraid to do that if he doesn't back down.

i agree, "leave me alone" is more likely to have other members of the public ready to step in and say "she asked you to leave her alone"

I'll see how it goes next time he's there, then. See whether I'm brave enough to vocalise my feelings.

It is a bit of an awkward situaion though, because the bus stop is actually a whole area where people stand to catch many buses. So it's not as though other people would really have noticed it happening. If he's not standing near me, he'll position himself somewhere with an unobstructed view of me. I may have to approach him to tell him to leave me alone, which would seem bizarre to onlookers. Also, not sure that any other members of public would be able to come to my aid, since the majority of people in the area at that time of day are elderly and often frail.

Thanks for recommending the book. I've had a quick look at the reviews on amazon and will look into loaning it from the library. :)

i know it can seem very daunting to have to vocalise it but this man is making this part of your day a very unpleasant experience. he has no right to do that. no right at all. you have a right to ask him to stop. and older people can often be quite protective of younger generations. even if no-one comes to your aid, you will still have let him know that his attention is unwelcome and given him the opportunity to stop. please dont feel you have to stay silent about this and let it continue. as i said, he has no right to make you feel like this.

Ugh. Sounds horrible.

Is there any way that you can get on at the next stop? You could always ring your local police non-emergency number and ask for their advice.

Good luck.

Do what AyeRobot says and see if they can send a Community Support Officer down who could talk to you, go over to him and ask him how he is and point out that the staring is making you uncomfortable etc. It sounds as though he might be exactly the kind of local weirdo they'll know.

you're not alone ldn.ihollaback.org/

Are you in Reading? I had one of these in Reading. I ended up just screeching at him one day like a fishwife to 'FUCK OFF following me!' He did.

Could you get someone to accompany you on your journey, just the once, to be there while you tell him to stop staring at you?

Ok, next time I'm there I'm going to see how often he looks at me and how long for. I've usually managed to cut the staring short by glaring at him, but even then it'll take up to five seconds for him to stop. I've just been giving it a bit of thought, and this is something which has very commonly happened to me. This is probably the most minor thing I've dealt with. I spoke to my parents about it yesterday and they, once again, acted as though it was nothing and I should just calm down. This is sadly a very common reaction and I feel very disappointed by it.

A man once attempted to rape me in a nightclub. I fought him off and ran away, but when my friends found me crying, they just brushed it under the carpet. Expected me to act as though it hadn't happened so it wouldn't ruin their night and told me to cheer up and forget about it. I'm just becoming increasingly angry about this and am worried I might actually become violent if he ever attempts to touch me, even if it is only brushing past me.

I wouldn't have called it this at the time, but I'd say that I've been sexually assaulted more than ten times in the past seven years and I am starting to become quite hateful and angry. The anger is compounded when people laugh and tell you to get over it.

Sorry that that post didn't really answer all of your helpful posts! I got a bit carried away with my feelings of anger.

As I was saying, I'm going to see how often he looks and how long for. Then, if it still seems necessary, I will approach him and tell him to leave me alone. If that doesn't work then I will take more drastic measures. Quite determined to NOT shy away from this and suffer because of his inability to behave like a normal human being.

You have every right to be angry no apology needed. What has happened to you does matter and is unacceptable. The stories on Hollaback do seem to say that when confronted the men tend to look confused and squirm under direct confrontation. Some appear to be truly oblivious to the fact that their behvaiour is wrong. Do what you need to do and use your anger.

How do you define sexual assault, OP? I assume you don't include staring.

I find a glare and a stern "it's rude to stare" stops most gawpers but have been known to front up with "what are you looking at?" when feeling extra-fierce and it always works. I'll also change seats on public transport to get out of someone's field of vision.

By the way, if you don't like to be stared at, never go to India! I felt like the last tiger there and it's not a good idea to stare back or challenge the men there - you just have to drop your gaze and hope they'll find someone else to look at.

that was meant to say last tiger in the zoo! oops :)

I have confronted people about staring before, but they were mainly people who weren't aware that they could be seen, or were around my own age so perhaps unaware of how uncomfortable this can make people feel. I am slightly concerned that my anger might be amusing to this man. I think that seeing my reaction and knowing that he's bothering me might even spur him on. He's certainly aware that I can see him and am not happy about it.

I've defined sexual assault as unwanted touching. Some fairly serious things have happened (although I've never actually been raped and I have usually managed to get out of the situation before it became too dangerous), but nobody seemed to think it was a big deal. In fact, people seem to believe that any attention from a man is flattering and that my reaction to this is over the top.

Why do the men in India stare?

Hi Stars

Nothing to give really in terms of advice but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that some men have assaulted and hurt you, and that you are not alone. Have you seen this thread?

FWIW anger is a totally appropriate response, women are taught to smile or look away or be polite but actually if you are being intimidated (see how much men like being stared down in the street - it starts arguments because everyone knows it's designed to initimidate) or touched against your will, let alone the even worse things people have done to you, then yes, getting angry is natural and normal. People like this man are taking advantage of the fact that you won't make a fuss. So do. Even if the other people around at the time don't support you, there are loads of women on here who will.

Have you lived in India all your life? Do you wear the same clothes as the majority of women there, or are you in a minority?

Hi Stars, not got the most advice but just to say we believe you, it's not on and it's fine to be unhappy and angry about it. I'd concur with what others have said. But you don't have to just ignore it and put up with it.

I spent a couple of months in India quite recently (travelling around) and I wore a salwar kameez and dupatta the entire time. I was very careful to dress modestly and respectfully and took my lead from the more conservative local women (in big cities e.g. Delhi, young girls mainly wear western clothes, although they don't show much skin, but I felt more comfortable in my salwar). On my first day, when I was on my way to buy my Indian clothes, a teenage boy groped my arse in the street. I was wearing an XL t-shirt and loose cotton trousers. Once I was dressed like a local, nobody put their hands on me, but the staring continued. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it! Making eye contact with a strange man, let alone speaking to them, is seen as a come-on.

I am not sure why Indian men stare so much but some factors could be:

• Staring is not considered rude in India.
• It is unusual for women to travel alone.
• You just look different! Fair skin, blue eyes etc... although the staring is extreme even in big cities where there are plenty of westerners...
• White women are seen as sexually promiscuous/available due to stereotypes perpetuated by porn, media, music videos (Indian ones often feature scantily clad western dancers alongside more covered-up Indian girls)

Sorry for the hijack OP!