Feminism. How did you find it? (Or you find it?)

[ButterflyAnn]

Hello :)

I thought it would be interesting if we could all share our experiences of how we discovered feminism.

Whether you had a feminist mother who taught you everything, maybe you discovered it while reading a book, or perhaps it's something you identified with after experiencing a life changing event.

I think this would be helpful to newcomers who read through the threads but don't contribute, because maybe they will actually see that feminists can be (and often are) human. ;)

Here's my story.

I always had a sense of injustice from a small age.
When my mum had gone into a refuge with the four of us, I decided I wanted to be a refuge worker.

I used to research domestic violence on the internet in my teens, used to stand up to my mum's mentally abusive husband all the time, and avoided doing anything that was expected of me because I was female.

When I was 21, I applied for my local Women's Aid job. I went to the interview, was honest about my lack of work experience in the area, but was able to demonstrate my knowledge and understanding of domestic violence. I got the job.

My new employer proudly described itself as a feminst organisation, so I typed "feminist" into Google and was bowled over. I had finally found something to identify with, something which made sense and I could understand. I joined a feminist group, read blogs, debated on forums etc. I felt like I belonged and it felt good.

The rest is history. :)

I am 17. I have a copy of Cosmopolitan, a ground-breaking new women's magazine that has caused much outrage & uproar among Britain's self-appointed moral guardians. It contains a double-page nude photo of (I think) Burt Reynolds. There's also a long interview with Germaine Greer.

Transfixed, I read & re-read this interview throughout Triple English Lit - I could quote it, almost word for word, until my mid-twenties. Here was someone putting into words the questions that milled, undefined, throughout my head and my body. Here was a woman challenging male-oriented thoughts, with logic and reason! Here were ideas that could take me forward to a life different from my mother's ... here was feminism :)

Thanks for starting this thread.

I 'found' feminism by generally feeling disappointed in the way I was expected to conform in adult life.

I was 'encouraged' to cook, clean and take care of my younger siblings (3 of them) from a very early age. My mother still 'boasts' 38 years on about how I could hem a dress at the age of 5! I would also be proud of any child doing this, but once I reached the age of 17, and just had my 1st baby, it dawned on me that my mother had been 'training' me for a life of domestic 'servitude'.

Being a 'mother' to her was all about sacrifice and martyrdom. It still is to her.

Any conversation with her about eg sleepless nights, sore boobs, piles during pregnancy are ended with her saying 'welcome to motherhood'.

I got married shortly after my 1st son was born, and then realised my (ex)husband expected me to do as his mother had done. She had brought up her 5 kids alone for the majority of their younger lives...but had worked full time, shift work, to provide for them.

I felt trapped. In the middle of all these expectations of me, was me and my own brain!

I was expected to be all things to all people, the same as my mother and MIL, but better at it.

Finding this story kind of ironic since now I'm a SAHM...................

I was receiving a good (female only) and very expensive education.
After Sunday lunch (and pre dishwashers) I had to wash and dry all the dishes.

I asked my mother why I had to do it and not my brother and she said "Because he has to do his homework". I said that I had to do my homework too.

She said "because he's a boy".

And so a feminist was born; aged 8.75 years.

My mum was/is a feminist. I was scared of the word, though, so never said to anyone I was one...although I knew I was IYSWIM. Then I started reading this topic; and met someone who didn't live in a bubble of equality like I seem to be lucky enough to (ie. men in my life are decent human beings) but whose husband was extremely controlling and that shook me (my real dad was violent and drunk and unfaithful to my mum, but that was a long time ago); then I read more here; had a conversation with my brother who said that there was no need for feminism now and I instinctively disagreed with him, but wasn't aware enough to make any sort of coherent argument as to why he was wrong; read even more here; heard about the MWR march and discovered the shocking statistics about violence against women; bought and read books; read and talked more here; talked with my friends - this has all been in the space of about two or three months and I cannot believe how far I've come in my understanding.

Up until this 'epiphany', though, I have also felt very strongly about the rights of mothers and the affect on them and their children and, consequently, on society as a whole, of having their power and responsibility taken from them. My job puts me in a lot of contact with a lot of disempowered women, who feel like they know what they're doing in their careers, but then get plunged into motherhood with no social support, and only patriarchal, paternalistic 'we know what's best for you' attitudes being hurled at them from the health care system, books, the state, you name it. It's shocking and I'm sure is the root of all sorts of ills associated with motherhood (and parenthood in general, but particularly mothers) - PND; inability to breastfeed; sleep 'issues' - and with childhood and beyond. I have alwasy wanted to do research into this at some point and have recently resolved to work more definitively towards that point (thanks to wonderful encouragement from posters on this topic!).

I have two brothers and was the one expected to help out with the housework and visit family members whilst my brothers were usually asleep in bed. This annoyed me.

I was sexually assaulted three times. I was upset but shrugged it off as something women have to live with.

I started noticing lads mags and they riled me. I noticed girls going to school dressing up with full makeup and tiny skirts and overly straightened hair. It made me feel sad that they bothered so much when they were only going to school.

My (ex) long term partner's family's attitudes to SAHMs bothered me. They expected all women to play the traditional role whilst the men spent their money on what they liked because they were earning it.

I was subsequently in an abusive relationship for years before I realised it was abusive. But it took my ex's visit to a strip club on my brother's stag do that opened my eyes. I thought it was my problem and tried to adjust despite being deeply upset (had counselling to 'cure' me of my problem with the sex industry). I talked to male colleagues and friends about it and was shocked at the sense of male entitlement that they had when it came to the sex industry.

And 3 years ago this feminist was born!

I learned about feminism at university. My Psychology degree had an optional module called 'sexualities' and my lecturer a lesbian feminist. I found it SO challenging. I simply wasn't aware of patriarchy, like a goldfish isn't aware of water because it is all around them and always has been iyswim. It was hard to challenge everything I knew and it took almost a year of stewing on it, to open my eyes. I then bought a couple of books, was very interested in feminist debates on here before we were allocated a particular space to talk about it. Still, I am addicted to this section, it's by far the most active feminist debate on t'internet.

I was physically abused as a child by my step-father. When my Mum realised he was a (nope, can't think of a good enough word!) after us enduring him for 16 years, he broke both her wrists to stop her carrying stuff out of the house. He really believed that we were his property.

It properly crystallised for me when DH started looking at porn after DD1 was born, I thought there was something wrong with me for objecting so much. We both started reading the feminism board on here, were horrified by the industry, I became a radical feminist, he would probably describe himself as 'believeing in radical feminism, but too scared to call myself one'.

Thing like DV, rape, FGM has really upset me but society just seemed to brush it off as 'life'.

Then a few months after ds was born I discovered MN and then this section and thought wow they articulate how I feel. So I brought the main feminist books and lurked on here and a few months later here I am, a very passionate but rookie feminist

I knew there was something wrong with society when I noticed that you got all kinds of different boy Smurfs but the only girl one was Smurfette.

My dad used to get Private Eye which had a column called 'Wimmin' which collected examples of 'loony feminist nonsense.' I couldn't help thinking that most of it seemed quite sensible actually.

Then when I was 13 I had a feminist English teacher who wore trousers to school, insisted on being called Ms and used to lend people books. There also must have been a secret feminist at the local library because they had loads of those Women's Press books with the black and white spines and the iron.

Am loving Grace's story about getting it out of Cosmo!

I think I've always been a feminist tbh :)

I had a pretty idyllic childhood if I'm honest but I did recognize, and rebel against, the little injustices in my life.
e.g. when my nanna expected me to be quiet and neat as opposed to clumsy and loud, or to help her tidy up but not my brother I would always say "No, it's not fair I'm not doing it just because I'm a girl!" (She is lovely though, just from a different culture and generation).
Similarly it used to really get on my nerves when playing games with my brother and cousins that I could never be the leader even though I was the oldest just because I was a girl!

Then, as soon as I heard the word feminist and what it stood for, I was like "excellent, I'm a feminist"

Having said all that a lot of the feminist theory on here goes right over my head! Every time I see things like literary criticism or postmodernism my head just flashes back to English Lit - my most hated subject at school.

I never really thought about feminism. I believed all the stereotypes about feminists being out to get men, wanting all women to be career women etc, and it never appealed to me because from a young age I was obsessed with babies/children and wanted to be a SAHM. So I never looked up anything "feminist" because I felt it didn't apply to me, and I didn't come across any by accident. I remember having vehement discussions in the pub with a male friend (who now I know more I can see is Very Angry with women in general - he grew up in a DV situation where his mum was the perpetrator) who said he liked talking to me because when I was talking about sexist issues etc I would always be sure to say some men etc rather than generalising things about all men. (Although he is angry at women, we have had some good conversations generally about men, women, relationships etc.) At this time I went around saying I was an equalist because I didn't want to be seen as "one of those crazy feminists".

Then I started using LiveJournal. I can't remember how I found a specific poster on there, but she was on my "friend list" and one day she posted about how excited she was to get a menstrual cup. I was intrigued but a bit "ick" about it, but I read about it anyway. I realised that reusable sanitary protection existed and decided I wanted to try washable pads. Then on the back of this she posted a passage from a book, I don't know what book it was - but talking about how we have an entire "feminine hygiene" aisle in the supermarket, whereas men have nothing of the sort (and who wouldn't agree that willies could do with freshening up once in a while ) and about how women are encouraged to shave because it's "more hygienic" or "nicer" - and just related things to this. And I thought it was amazing and it opened something I'd never realised before. And then I realised that this was the kind of thing feminism was really about - not overthrowing men or making women superior, but about the crap that is directed at women day to day.

And then I got into an abusive relationship and sort of forgot all this, though I did want to reclaim my body by coming off hormonal contraception and using natural methods (which led to the conception of DS, lol). It was only through using mumsnet and when I was coming to the end of the relationship with XP that I realised a lot of the other issues. One which really upsets me is the knowledge that some men just look at a woman and won't acknowledge a single word that comes out of her mouth - just because she is female. I can't remember whether I realised that first or read it here first but once I realised it was based on gender, and not any other factors, and isn't just a few rare men, but a substantial minority, it upset me, a lot. Knowing that no matter what I do I will never, ever be taken seriously by some people, and it's not based on something I have done to them, but on something I have absolutely no control over.

And so I stuck around and started reading more and more :) I haven't read any feminist books yet just because I don't have much time to read these days if it's not for uni, but I hope I will over the summer.

My mother is a strong woman who loves her career (and my dad) and it was never, ever even mentioned in our house that I could not do something because I'm a girl, that I was worth less because I'm a girl or that I have to choose between work and family.

But then there was

• this university professor who hated women and actually told us that it's useless to educate us, of course we are there only to find a husband.

-this employer who said after hearing my salary expectation "but for this money, we could hire a man!"

• this colleague, who said about a managerial position and without knowing anything about the candidates "oh good that they got a man to fill it!"
• this client, who asked to see a "real lawyer, you know, a man".
• this high official who explained the lack of male teachers with "but the salary is just too low for a man.."

and so many, many others where people expressed the opinion that as a woman, you're not as smart, as valuable, as good.
So I thought to myself that this can't be right, can it? and discovered that there are many other people around who don't think it's right either.

I think I always had strong feminist instincts but my mother is certainly not a feminist, she doesn't see the need for it. I didn't know the term til I was about 13 and reading my friend's father's Daily Mail, a feature about the crazed lesbian feminists of Greenham, which interested me .

So the Daily Mail was one step towards feminism for me.

And then, I was growing up with parents very into evangelical christianity, which at the time had some vocal feminists ranting away about misogyny in the church, so that was my second influence.

And those rather bizarre introductions to feminism turned me into a Guardian type cliche of a lefty feminist atheist. My sister is too.

I've recently got into it, and reading about it, since joining MN. The feminism board just heightened my interest.

I've been extremely privileged insofar as I've never been made to feel inadequate because I am a woman, which is why I just cannot fathom anyone doing that to anybody. It just doesn't compute, it's so wrong and alien to me, and it makes me angry to think that anyone feels so entitled to treat someone else like shit, just because they have a vagina.

It helps that I went to an all girls' school, with the majority of teachers, governors and administrators being women. Looking back, our headmistress was clearly a feminist as well. We were constantly told we were intelligent young women, and if we work to our full potential, nothing could stop us achieving our goals.

That said, feminism was never really discussed at school, possibly because without any male influences, it was just never an issue.

I had a feminist English teacher at school (GCSE and A level). She was great, very inspiring. She never clearly articulated feminism for us, but sowed the seeds (for me at least) and introduced me to texts like "Top Girls" and "a streetcar named desire".

My University girlfriend, who I'm still close too, also defined herself as a feminist but again she didn't articulate it well for me (though to be honest I was quite distracted by post-colonialism at the time.)

It wasn't until I took a course on feminism as part of my Masters (only boy in the seminar, sadly if unsurprisingly) that I finally actually studied and widely read up on the topic and began to identify myself with feminism.

A module on feminist critique during my English lit degree was the start.

For a while atheism was my hobby-horse of choice , but talking on-line and coming across a whole lot of misogyny and ridiculous evo-psych on atheist/agnostic message-boards made me realise I'm a feminist first.

Have to be, I've got a daughter.

My mum was always interested in feminism and encouraged me to read Marilyn French's The Women's Room.

My A level English teacher was gently feminist and helped sew a few more seeds.

But it was university that really kicked things in motion. I did Feminist Theatre as a unit of my BA and also Women Writers - both of which included a fair bit of feminist theory - and I was fascinated.

I then worked for several years in the news media and my feminist rage at the way the crime of rape is so horrifically under-prosecuted/convicted would be regularly stoked up.

That said, I've been quite laid back about feminism in recent years. DH and MN have been instrumental in reawakening my interest. That and having a daughter to raise.

Thank you so much to everybody for sharing your stories!

I only recently identified myself as a feminist. I have, I realise now, always had feminist views but was never conscious of or overly vocal about it. Then I Had A Daughter and it brought home to me how much she will be affected by these issues and I don't want her to have to struggle through stuff like I did.

Also, being a SAHM and realising how little 'women's' (for that read unpaid) work is valued.