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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Sexist mothers of boys

71 replies

MsLIne · 15/01/2011 08:26

Am I alone in being really shocked by the casual sexism of mother's of boys ???

I quote " Because he's a boy he likes a challenge" !! This is from a female lawyer who would be furious if, in her workplace someone said the same about men in the workplace - the inference being, women don't need a challenge !

"it's much easier with boys' only parties" so whilst my daughter is good friends with this boy, her gender precluded her. If It was a 'white's only' or 'blacks only' part - such casual racism would rightly be abhorred.

This spills over to the playgroup ' you can't play you're a girl " !!!

I've told my daughter it's illegal to preclude girls from anything....

Are mother's of daughters also guilty of sexism against boys ?

OP posts:

TitsalinaBumSquash · 15/01/2011 12:38

Unfortunatley you are always going to get peole that are sexist, racist, prejudice, it is life. Boy and girls both get pidgeon holed due to thier sex. It's ridiculous.

All you as an individual can do is parent your children with an open mind and teach them that males and females are equal and can play with what they like and like who and what they like.

LadyBiscuit · 15/01/2011 12:44

I have tried to bring my DS up in as much of a gender neutral way as possible and he still comes out with stuff like 'girls can't do X' and gets upset when the girls teams win on Kerwhizz.

It's horrifying, I have no idea where he gets it from but I can promise you it's not from home.

ISNT · 15/01/2011 12:46

I have two preschoolers and have been quite stunned at the casual sexism displayed by loads of parents about both boys and girls. It seems that it is basically very common for people to totally buy into gender stereotyping and gender roles when it comes to children, and they suddenly start spouting all sorts of sexist tripe.

I have been really shocked, espceially as a lot of it has come from people I have known for a long time and I had no inkling that this stuff was lurking.

Most spectacularly I was told that I ought to buy my DD1 some barbies when she was 2, before "it was too late".

I've heard all the usual stuff as well - girls are like this and boys are like that which of course only serves to perpetuate the different roles. So while adults in the workplace are careful to be equal etc blah, all if the children are being strongly exposed to really extreme gender stereotyping which will ensure a net result of nothing changing.

All extraordinarily depressing.

dittany · 15/01/2011 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poshpaws · 15/01/2011 12:48

. Of course it cuts both ways. I have 3 boys and DS1 and 2 have grils that are friends and invite them to parties and vice versa. DS3's (3) play buddies seems to be divided along the lines of gender. Maybe I should change his preschool...

DS2(5) was not invited to a classmate's party, in spite of the fact she wanted him there, because her mum assumed that as a boy he would not want to make jewellery - he would have loved it.

As TSB said, some people pigeonhole, and it is not exclusivley mothers of boys....

doodleboo · 15/01/2011 12:52

Was once talking with a friend about this topic, how it's a shame lots of boys aren't allowed by their parents to do certain things, wear certain colours, dresses etc. I said i'm glad i feel confident enough to let DS do things if he wants (he is 3).

She said "and if he turns out to be gay there's nothing wrong with that"

Will stop as this is a subject that gets me quite angry - children should be allowed to wear all colours, play with all types of toys etc, without judgement.

Sometimes there are problems with kids being pushed out of stereotypical play too though.

doodleboo · 15/01/2011 12:55

LOVE buying Barbie's "before it's too late"!!!

Wonder what will happen?! DD is nearly 3 and none yet - i will report back on any consequence of my negligence!

LadyBiscuit · 15/01/2011 13:00

I reckon a lot of it must be picked up at nursery/preschool. And telly. Cerrie from CBeebies is particularly bad at saying how pretty the girls are when she's doing the birthday cards and it really gets on my tits.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 15/01/2011 13:02

We allow our dcs to make their own choices with the toys and friends they have. DD, two older and one younger brother, does not like playing with boys, she's four. Of course she plays with boys at home, but she generally ignores boys. The boys, 7 & 8, have had girls home for tea and get on very well with girls. Neitehr are so called Alpha males, which is sometimes the excuse for rough playing boys who have no or little consideration for others, but much more sensitive and expressive. DS1 isn't great at school but is good at the arts, he hates reading and writing, DS2 is the opposite and does work for fun, much to the astonishment of ds1. DS3 seems to be the most active, climbing, boisterous of the four dcs, he's two.

Takver · 15/01/2011 13:03

I strongly object to casual sexism, and I agree it is very common.

BUT - the one thing I wouldn't assume is that the 'one gender' party is necessarily sexism on the part of the parent. I'm sure you've seen the endless 'my dd/ds wasn't invited to x's party' threads. Often, the easiest socially acceptable way you can get away without inviting the whole class if you don't have the space is to invite just the girls or just the boys. Its not ideal, but it is sometimes a solution.

(Fortunately now dd is old enough to have a clear friendship group, so she can invite her particular friends - a mix of girls & boys - without it causing issues.)

MargaretGraceBondfield · 15/01/2011 13:04

LB Yes I noticed that too.

Takver · 15/01/2011 13:05

I would also agree with others who have said that casual sexism is in no way limited to parents of boys, unfortunately.

BaronessBomburst · 15/01/2011 13:27

This is quite interesting as I'm still trying to work out what has happened to my mother.

I have a DB and when we were children she treated us equally. I had dolls and a pram, so did he. He got a toy car as a gift, then so did I. We both did ballet, we both had to help with cooking and housework.

Roll on a few years, DB has a DD, I have a DS. All I hear is a stream of gender-stereotyping nonsense. She picks up a mini-baking set and rolling pin and says with a sigh "pity DS is a boy, I could have bought him this". She has bought him a truck with wooden blocks as 'it's a proper boy's toy', and expressed surprise that I have bought him a bright pink bowl for meal times. (He likes the colour and it doesn't stain with tomatoes, tumeric etc.)

Now that I've picked her up on it, she's got even worse, as each string of nonsense is proceeded by "now I know you're not going to like it when I say this but......."

WTF?!

I refuse to subscribe to this nonsense. I bought DN a train set for Xmas, as I know how much I loved them as a child, and a friend has given DS some of her DDs' old toys, including a play kitchen - which is of course, bright pink.

ISNT · 15/01/2011 13:28

doodleboo I can only imagine that 2 year old girls who are deprived of the all-important early exposure to barbie, will later on have trouble finding husbands

MargaretGraceBondfield · 15/01/2011 13:47

Perhaps she thinks they won't grow unusually large heads and breasts.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 15/01/2011 13:50

My DH is on busniess in theUS, his first day was spent reorganising teams, teams happened to be all black, all male or all women. (All women included a racial mix!!)

ISNT · 15/01/2011 13:52

baroness bomhurst I think that things have got worse since the 70s for this. And I guess that if you're not going to sit down and think about it all / have a strong view, then maybe you just go along with whatever the prevailing approach is?

I don't know your mum, mind

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/01/2011 14:05

It's seen as a natural stage of development in children that they will play together until around the age of 4 or 5, then form single sex groups until early adolescence when they begin to mingle again. There are of course plenty of exceptions but in my opinion you can't demand or be dismayed at a child's choice of friends.

Sexist attitudes exist in parents of boys and girls and to be honest, I am [shocked] that on a sexism thread it is the mother who is once again picked on.

ISNT · 15/01/2011 14:09

In fairness to the op,the reason she cited mothers was because the examples that she had encountered were mothers.

I have no doubt that these attitudes abound in fathers, grandparents, aunties, uncles, all sorts. But you hear it most from mothers, because they are the ones you meet more frequently at nursery. I wonder why that is? Oh yes, because all women are nurturing and want to be at home with their children, while all men are better at analytical problems and tricky brain stuff, so it's them that need to go out to work. Ahem

HerBeatitude · 15/01/2011 14:20

"It's seen as a natural stage of development"

By whom? Is it natural? Or is it learned?

MargaretGraceBondfield · 15/01/2011 14:33

DS1 has a range of boys in his class, definitely some of the 'rougher' boys are a product of twatty Dads who remind me of the dog from Tom and Jerry with every punch thrown or rugby tackle. All too often parents are willing to dismiss agressive behaviour on the basis that they're boys. Equally girls that are timid are encouraged as if they are somehow more feminine.

SleepWhenImDead · 15/01/2011 14:54

OP I don't know why you have singled out how mothers of boys are sexist, anyone can be sexist! Some mothers of girls I know are terribly precious about their saintly girls playing with rough boys etc, just like MsBinbag found. I know of three friends who get together and their girls dress up and put on ballet shows together, me and the boys have never been invited!

mamatomany · 15/01/2011 15:00

Hmmm... I suspect that many are guilty of putting their children first and unknowingly reinforcing gender stereotypes.

Hits the nail on head, when I had three girls I spent my life basically trying to tell them they could achieve anything, be what they wanted to be etc and maybe I did come across as anti boy, not intentionally though.
I feel girls have bigger mountains to climb and so much to push against that they needed the extra confidence.
I have a son too now and woe betide anyone who sterotypes him, he is in a female household so will be a fantastic boyfriend/husband and sensitive friend by osmosis.

MsBinbag · 15/01/2011 15:09

That is just it mamatomany why wouldn't your son be a 'fantastic boyfriend/husband and sensitive friend' if he lived in an all male household? Why do you think he needs to learn these things 'by osmosis' from girls??

mamatomany · 15/01/2011 15:12

Good point.
DH was brought up by his single mum and friends are astounded by what he does in comparison to their BF/DH's however I simply wouldn't put up with it if he didn't. I dated one guy who finished his cup of tea and called his mum in from the kitchen to take his mug, we didn't last much longer after that.

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