Is there a nice way to say "could you please not talk to me like that"?

[ZigZagMum]

Have name-changed for this (paranoid, moi?) The situation is thus: I am a student, training to do a job where it is necessary to work closely alongside qualified professionals. This week I have had to work with a male member of staff who is one of those loud, lairy, jokey people who thinks it is OK to address subordinate women as 'Darling, Babe, Baby" and stand right up close to them when he's talking. It is most definitely a power thing as he doesn't speak to men or senior members of staff like that, so why the hell he feels it is appropriate to speak to anyone else that way, I don't know.

I absolutely fucking hate it, it makes me feel like a silly little girl (I'm older than he is!) and I feel extremely uncomfortable around him. It is likely that I will have to work with him on a regular basis over the next few years and so I don't want to piss him off or make an idiot of myself, but I want him to stop it.

I know it sounds trivial, but it is affecting my performance as I get so flustered and self-conscious that I find it difficult to concentrate properly (sorry, that sounds pathetic, it's difficult to explain, but I just feel like an idiot around him).

I spent last night sobbing with impotent rage at him and anger at myself that I am letting it bother me and for letting it affect my work. He is a very popular member of staff and I don't feel able to speak to anyone within the department about it as I feel very vulnerable as a student and don't want to get a reputation for being 'difficult'. He would probably put it back on me and say it was because I can't handle criticism

Sorry for the rant, any suggestions on how to deal with this with minimum of fuss?

hmm. I sympathise. the more I think about it the more I want to rant about what an arsehole he is, but in terms of a manageable way to stop him, the only one I can think of is the very unfeminist 'I wouldn't want my husband to hear you talking to me like that, it's probably better if you call me by my name like you do everyone else'.
(and only works if you actually have a dp, anyway)

I'm sure someone else (Anyfucker??) can think of a better one, sorry!

Tell him to treat you like an adult in a professional environment, and not like a child/teeanger.

I would ask him if he knew my name and if he asked why I would say because you never use it. I would then tell him my name clearly and say that if he forgets again he mustn't be embarrassed to ask and certainly not try to cover it up by using sexist terms for women. If he continues I'd call him 'son'. Silly arse.

A standard, impersonal, way of giving feedback, either positive or negative is to do: behaviour, feeling, and future. For example When you do X, I feel Y, so in the future I would prefer you to do Z. The advantage is that the person can't say they aren't doing X nor that you don't feel Y.

So you could try: 'When you call me 'babe', I feel offended and patronised, so in the future I would prefer you to call me zigzag mum. And say it every time. There's no need to get het up or angry, just say it calmly when he does it.

Or, try just saying 'Please don't call me baby' and 'Please don't stand so close to me'. If makes a fuss, ask him to explain his behaviour. Use open questions like 'why do you think it is OK to call me baby?' so he has to explain.

It's very helpful to practise these kind of difficult convos. Explain to a friend/dp/relative how he acts and get them to try to emulate him, and to make realistic responses to your questions or statements.

You should challenge this. It's affecting your life in and out of work. It's a kind of bullying, and it's sexual discrimination. Good luck though, I know it's difficult.

Zigzag - what a horrible situation.
First of all do not assume that he is a popular member of staff. I work with a man who appears to be everyone's friend but is really not liked by most of the women in the office because of his inappropriate comments (not sexual - more like gossiping). He is a manager.

I think what you said in the title is a good way to start. Perhaps having a quiet word (i.e. not in the middle of a meeting or an open plan office). Just ask to have a word and say you feel uncomfortable with being called "Babe". He may fob it off and say no-one else minds etc but you can just say "well I mind".

Make a note of date and time you do this. If it doesn't improve then I would go to his manager.

It really shows the thin veneer of "equality" and anti-bullying that there is in the workplace. The onus regularly appears to be on the victim to complain rather than the perpetrator to be brought to task.

Him: Hey darling
You: (looking him in the eye, calmly, little smile) It's ZigZag
Him: yeah babe
You: (Bit more firmly) No, it's ZigZag, not "babe".
Him: ooh going a bit frosty darling
You: (not smiling, more firmly) it's not "darling" either, it's ZigZag.

Repeat till he gets the message.
If you insist on it, he will either give up (as he doesn't want to be openly rude) or he'll be openly rude, which puts him in the wrong. If he is openly rude, that's when you say "I would appreciate it if you would call me by my name, like you do everyone else."

I understand you want to tell him "nicely" but the trouble is, he isn't being nice. He might be unpleasant about it.

But, I'm afraid, it's the only way to do it.
Also, once you've decided you aren't putting up with it, you need to pick him up on it every time.

Yes, he might put it back on you, but he is in the wrong. If someone did this in the office I work in people would notice and be quite shocked. I wouldn't assume he's so hugely popular if he doesn't know how to address women in the workplace - surely you aren't the only female in the whole place?

You might not like the sound of confrontation but honestly ZigZag, if you are crying your eyes out at night, it's much better to get this sorted.

Another thought - you say you are a student? Can you speak to your Placements Officer or someone at the University. They have a duty to your welfare as well as the organisation you are working for.

Also does the company have an HR department? You could try and have an informal word with them. They may have already had complaints about him.

I gather from your statement that you don't want to be seen as "difficult" that you percieve that being difficult might provide a worse working environment for you. What I'm trying to say is that the environment seems a bit closed shop and everyone sticks together and you don't want to rock the boat?

Hi Zig Zag. I was in the RAF and experienced this sort of thing on many occasions. My answer to those men was always - I am not your darling, sister, love or anything else. I am your colleague, please treat me as such or f... off! It shocked them but it stopped, eventually. You must be assertive. I never worried about rocking the boat. Yes, there were men who didnt like me because of my assertiveness but there were many who respected me for it. At the end of the day I only want to know the second type so I didnt care what the others thought of me.

Thanks for all the words of sympathy and support. After posting this, I did actually phone and speak to someone at the university 'off the record'. She was very understanding and said, as you all have, that I mustn't put up with it. She suggested I try and make a joke of it, but I've come to the conclusion that the only way to do it is to be frank about it and say that I do not like it and do not want it to continue. What complicates matters is that he is currently my mentor and may be in the future. As well as our practical expertise, we are also judged on our 'professional behaviour' which basically means that if they don't like your attitude you can be chucked off the course: being a student is so much more vulnerable and precarious than an employee; if they don't like you, they can find a way to get rid of you. I can't quite explain how weird it is being a student and not a 'proper' employee. As far as I can tell, you are just not protected by standard employment rights and have little right of independent appeal against things.

My plan of action is that if I have to work with him in the future I will take him to one side at the beginning and just say that I feel uncomfortable with being called 'darling' and could he address me by my name. If he then continues or is unpleasant then I will go and speak to the university at the earliest opportunity, before he gets a chance to fail me because of my attitude. I will practise with dp/a friend in advance!

I am never normally intimidated by people, it's amazing how much sexist, 'harmless' comments can dent your confidence.

Thanks again for the support, I feel better for having a plan.

Sounds like a good plan and agree with the previous suggestions.

Just wanted to add it does not sound trivial, nor pathetic, I totally understand your explanation, it is fine that it bothers you and you don't have to accept this. And it was not a rant.

Good luck!
I just wanted to add to your post, something very similar happened somewhere I used to work. We had one (of many) fairly unreconstructed males in the office and he routinely used these types of terms when speaking to female colleagues. We had a placement student working with us and she took offence, and had the spine to tell him so too - not rudely, just firmly. He was gobsmacked and kept on appealing to other members of staff to support him, at which point all the other female (and maybe one or two of the blokes) all said, actually no, we agree with her. He felt most hard done by as he really didn't get why anyone would be offended. On the plus side - he did stop doing it.