Male boss & colleagues-sick of the bullying and the egos

[JessinAvalon]

Hi all
My particular section in work is very male. There is an undercurrent of hostility and antagonism disguised as 'banter' and joking. I often find myself the butt of the jokes so I keep my mouth shut in work. The boss has since criticised my quietness.

There have been several incidents where the boss has shouted or sworn at me and I have had no support from my male colleagues. Their view is always that the boss has a point!

The boss, a man in his late 50s, finds it much easier to talk to the two guys I work with, early 30s, into the same sports as him, than he does me. I get a kicking on a regular basis for whatever he can find to have a go at me about.

I had the final straw today when my boss, who was working from home, was "furious" at me deciding to work from home that morning for a few hours and ordered me into the office immediately. I am sick of being on the receiving end of such aggression thst I arranged to meet with someone from HR next week for some informal advice.

Has anyone else experienced this? And how did you deal with it? I am preparing myself for a rollocking next week again.

One of the guys is leaving at Christmas so at least that's one ego that will be taken out of the equation then. I am hoping that will improve the dynamic a little.

God, sounds awful.
Sue him for sexual harassment

(sorry, I know that's not practical in the real world.)

Hi Sakura
Ha ha! It might be easier if it was sexual harassment! I would know what to do then.

Am stealing myself for the kicking on Monday morning!

hi Jess, that sounds horrendous. I don't have any advice to offer other than to suggest you post this in Employment. There are some very knowledgable posters on there who should be able to help.

'Equality Act 2010 harassment is defined as ?unwanted conduct related to a relevant protected characteristic, which has the purpose or effect of violating an individual?s dignity or creating and intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for that individual.?

Individuals are protected from harassment both while applying for a job, during it, and in some circumstances after the working relationship ends

It may not be sexual harassment but it is still harassment and the law has got your covered.

got you**

Sorry to hear you're having to put up with this Jess.

I'd second the union. You can go and speak to them without taking it any further, I did do for something. And they are totally on your side. They made this clear to a group of us when we went about something else - they are for totally for you.

Jess - Saltatrix has it spot on. This is still harassment on the grounds of your sex.

Before you go to your meeting with HR spend an evening writing down all the incidents that have occurred (go through emails and calendars if you can to try and pin down specific dates) - be as detailed as you possibly can.

Be aware that HR are always working for the employer - they SHOULD also be working for the employee in so far as any breach of their duty of care to their employees is a risk and HR should be mitigating that - but very often this is overlooked and the approach is how can we best brush this under the carpet. With a detailed account it is much much harder for them to dismiss it. Also think about how this is affecting your stress levels/health and write down how this is making you feel (I started to have anxiety attacks where I felt I couldn't breathe after my line manager ordered me in when off sick with swine flu at 33 weeks pregnant and I discovered she had asked my assistant to bin all the stuff in my cupboards - I pretty much felt as if I couldn't get enough air into my lungs and was going to suffocate on the spot).

Your workplace should have an Anti-Harassment/Bullying policy - ask for a copy if you can't find it on their internal web - also ask for the grievance policy and ask HR to explain what would happen if you wanted to make the complaint formal and how they would investigate this.

But whatever you do - do start to write everything down in a chronological order using numbered paragraphs. I found that whole process very cathartic in itself and then when things progressed (which hopefully it won't in your case) I was able to take this document and use it as a statement for the investigation and for the tribunal case which may still happen, and most importantly it was a coherent account with which to approach a solicitor and ask for legal advice.

Am going to have a dig around for some of the links I used which were helpful.

I'm certainly not siding with your boss but presumably working from home arrangements are by request (at least in theory - I personally do it all the time and ask my boss as a courtesy, not because I actually expect him to have an objection to it).

Virtually everyone I work with is male. Nearly every meeting I go to, I am the only female. And it has never, ever been an issue, so I can at least confirm what you're experiencing is not normal.

Shouting and swearing is not acceptable behaviour, regardless of gender. Does he shout and swear generally or just at you?

Read up on your policies, and don't be afraid to say you would like to take advice before speaking to him. From your OP it sounds like textbook sexual discrimination and needs to be stopped.

Btw, I once had a senior manager in my organisation call me a "manipulative bitch" in the pub at the end of a long night. I had his sorry arse banned from the client site and have no regrets about it. You do not need to put up with this behaviour.

sorry, yes when I said sexual harassment, I meant on the basis that he's clearly doing this because you're female.

Good to see there is a new law in place to protect people from this.

The reason I said I didn't think it was feasible in the real world to sue him is because a good friend of mine sued for sexual harassment a year or so ago, and then discovered that her industry was a lot smaller than she realised and no other company would give her a job. It was awful. SHe had to go in a completely different new career direction in the end.
But she said it was worth suing the bastard.

The man in question stole her work as well, passed it off as his own

Hi all
Thanks for your replies - much appreciated.

He is known for his short temper, I found out yesterday, but there is another woman on the team whom he treats differently. However, and I know this isn't very PC, she is quite "mannish" and I am sure that if he spoke to her once the way he speaks to me, she would be off to HR in the blink of an eye.

I think he did it once, got away with it, and has carried on because I didn't kick up a fuss the first time.

I started keeping a record of the incidents from about May, after some particularly unfair and unjustified accusations from him, and have had an informal chat with someone from my Union who said that it's unacceptable and that I should raise my issues about the hostile working environment with the boss. However, I kept my mouth shut because I hoped the dynamic might change a little when one of the guys leaves at Christmas.

Regarding the working from home arrangement, we all do it from time to time, and sometimes at short notice. As this was only for a morning, it didn't occur to me that it would be a problem, especially as the boss is the main person who likes me to be around and he was working from home himself. However, I will know for next time. I really was shocked at his reaction and ended up phoning HR in tears, which was a little embarrassing. They were very helpful. It partly helps because the woman I spoke to has seen him shout at me before. Another director once joked to me (in front of the boss) that if I wanted to take out a bullying and harrassment claim, he would be a witness.

I don't think the boss is trying to get rid of me. Because one of the guys is leaving, and we have a recruitment freeze on at the moment, I have been asked to take on his work (which is a promotion for me). If I did leave, my boss would be in trouble as he'd have to do all of this work!

If he really thought I was that awful, he wouldn't have asked me to take on more responsibility (which means working with him more....eek!) and instead would be trying to manage me out.

My feeling is that that he is stressed out at the moment and wants someone to blame. I do think it's because I'm a woman and I haven't stuck up for myself as much as I should. For the last 6 months of last year, I was a wreck, having come out of an abusive relationship. My boss knew I had personal problems but I didn't elaborate (figured he wouldn't understand). So whenever he's criticised my performance, I've accepted it because I know that certainly for a while I wasn't as productive as I could have been.

What's disappointing is the lack of support from my male colleagues. They do seem very out for themselves. I get much more support from the females that I work with.

I didn't realise there was an employment section. Good old Mumsnet! I guess I like the feminist perspective on things which is why I gravitate here every time.

Thanks again, all.

so your pay is going to double, then? If you are taking on this other guy's work.

It's great that two other people can vouch for your side of the story, if push comes to shove

Don't start wondering whether it's you or him. It's not you, and even if it was you a normal person wouldn't behave like he is. You don'T bully people. You talk to them. So it's not you.

Wait and see what happens after Christmas

Oh and I'm really sorry for all your bad experiences, especially EvidentlyImminent. Ordered in when you're off sick at 33 weeks pregnant? I'm appalled! What was the outcome (understand if you don't want to/can't say)?

I have always worked mainly with men, and had a few similar problems early on. What really helped me was Transactional Analysis.

Basically it comes down to the only way of getting people to change their behaviour to you is to change the way you respond to it. Good summary here of the main roles.

If people treat you disrespectfully you can easily fall into the trap of blaming yourself and be scared to stand up for yourself. In the case of your boss, you let him speak to you like this.

The key is to always take the adult stance, take a deep breath and respond neutrally. So when he shouts out you for daring to work from home, say something like "Oh, we normally do this, I honestly did not think you would have a problem with it. Of course, if you need me there I will try to get in" The key thing is to NEVER apologise.

If you know that he is really stressed, and he shouts at you, find some postive response like, "Oh I understand you are really busy at the moment - is there anything the team can do to take off some of the pressure?"

Just stand your ground, don't grovel, don't apologise, stay positive. I used to work with some right twunts. It sounded almost too simple to me, but the effect that it has was amazing. And it really boosts your confidence.

And as for performance management, I would be saying something like "Unfortunately I DID have a few problems earlier in the year. I have been working hard at getting back on track as obviously you need me fully focussed on xyz. Do you see any areas that I still need to concentrate on?"

It is very difficult for people to keep raging at you if you keep replying in a steady and positive way. "I'm sorry you feel like that, how you think we should work to resolve this.." etc etc

very good advice from Portofino. It deflects the rage and calms the situation down. All people are different, and you do get people who are stressed and take it out on others, but they are not always bad people. Also their rage then subsides, and the boss obviously does think a lot of you, which is why he has promoted you.

It is best to use Portofino's strategies to be able to deal with all different types of people.

And office banter - this can be a hard one. Many years ago, I worked shifts and was the only woman employed to do this. We were all quite young. A "thing" started one day with the guys all saying "the one with the tits makes the tea" in a good humoured way.

Now this is blatant sexual harrassment, but I liked my job and it was one of those places where making a big fuss would have made my life impossible. So I said "Ok - so the one with the tits will make the tea THIS time, but I suggest that the one with the biggest knob goes next. I'll let you decide amongst yourself who that is." There was much shuffling about and the subject never came up again.

Obviously such a thing would never come up in my professional work place today, but the principle remains. You are NOT a 2nd class employee. They might behave in a twattish manner. Ignore it, or laugh along with them and make comments back. Men in packs can be a nightmare. You either rise above it totally or you try to become "one of the boys". Have confidence in yourself.

Hi all
Thanks again - really useful to read the stuff about transactional analysis and to hear about your experiences. I do apologise if I think I've done something wrong and try not to if I haven't. I was planning to apologise about the homeworking thing (and already have via e-mail - really just to shut him up). I love the advice about responding calmly.

I don't know whether to be contrite on Monday or whether to tell him that I think he's victimising me. I have been worrying about it. I'll have a read of the transactional analysis stuff. I've just had a skim read and recognise the adult/parent/child stuff.

He definitely needs to be handled better. Thanks for all your responses.

And I love the word "twunts"!! I laughed out loud when I read that! Sums them up perfectly!

I certainly wouldn't use the word victimising, I would be very calm and ask how he would like to play working from home requests in the future - for the whole team. I have to say, it's really peed me off in the past when team members have appeared to assume they have a right to work from home - unless that is your company policy. I have actually never refused an ad hoc WFH request, although I have vetoed someone WFH one day a week every week as a standard thing. I always 'ask' my boss even though I haven't the faintest idea what I would do if he said no!

In terms of personal problems - sing it, sister! At the mo I am mostly WFH cos my wheelchair-bound dh can't leave the cul-de-sac to do the school run (actually he can but we haven't been confident he could do it on his own, so I've provided back-up services to be called out if need be). Insane situation. A lot of employers wouldn't tolerate it, but I chose mine because it did and I still do the best I can to honour my commitment to the organisation. But there are lots of ways of managing work/life balance issues. Reduced hours for one, even performance managing if it comes to it, i.e. you being given set tasks to do and managed more closely than would normally be appropriate to your grade. It can all help and a decent boss would try and do that.

Don't do contrite, present it as an opportunity to negotiate how you deal with each other, making clear you feel you are of equal worth to the organisation. If he has "particular concerns" about your performance, there's an opportunity to get them out on the table and see how they can best be dealt with - you can do a hell of a lot without forcing him into a position where you are making accusations. But equally point out it might be best to involve HR so that "everyone is covered".