Feminism and our mothers' reactions

[JessinAvalon]

Hi all

I get a very hostile reaction to my feminist campaigning from my mum. She takes every opportunity to be disparaging and to say "what about men?"

I have 2 brothers so I don't know if she feels the need to protect men's rights and, in agreeing with me, somehow thinks she might be setting herself in opposition to them.
-Or if it's an innate need to protect me from the kind of abuse that feminists get.
-Or if she doesn't want to question inequality because it will lead her to question many things about her own life.

For example, when my brothers went to a strip club, she defended their choice to go over my arguments as to why they shouldn't. When I started campaigning for the SEV legislation, and appeared on the local BBC news being interviewed, she was horrified.

I have my parents staying and, this morning, I was explaining to my Dad that I couldn't get a tyre pressure pump working for my car and that a friend's husband had tried as well. His response was: "G...(the husband) couldn't get it working? ". I said, "no. Why would he have more success than me? I was the one reading the instruction manual!" And my Dad looked sheepish and said, "err....because he's a man!" (Not specifically an example about feminism but it does show the innate sexism that my parents have.)

Then my Mum asked if I wanted her to pick up anything for tea from Marks and Spencer whilst they're out shopping today...err...no thanks Mum. I said I'm not shopping there at the moment. She sighed as if to say, "another one of your idiotic feminist things, I suppose."

I made the decision a long time ago to hide that part of my life from them completely to preserve my sanity, although it does upset me. I wondered if others had the same problem and, if so, how do you deal with it?

Actually this sums up my mum's attitude. She said to me when I was about 19 and ranting about something 'you can't change the world' and went on then to advise me my energies would be better spent working out how to fit in to it. She still agrees with that approach and 100% believes that at the end of the day it's the 'cleverest' path becuase you only get one life.

God just typing it I almsot believe it for a second and then I shudder and come 'round. I've never been able to even though she TRAINED me to play this part.

Wildstrawberries, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when you were first wandering around campus. One of your mum's friends should have made a documentary.

I don't understand why anyone worth marrying would want to marry someone stupider than them anyway.

And yes why the assumption that once that ring is on your finger your entire earlier life will slip away like a dream.

Wow sproggers. Is that guy still involved in education? I had a male teacher compare me to joan of arc once. Still think of that now. urrrrr.

Yes agree with sprogger.

Nothing strokes a man's ego like knowing that his clever wife could be a board director, but chooses instead to clean his house and raise his children, leaving him free to pursue his career.

(I'm not being anti-SAHM here btw., I think child-rearing is valuable work, but I'm looking at it from an individual man's POV.)

Surely some of these men feel guilty about this though?

My mum is a feminist, but without understanding what a feminist is, iyswim.

She is strong, forthright and also compassionate. She's only 49 though, so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it.

She was hit by her first serious partner and vowed that she would never be dependent on a man. She left him and met and married my dad. She always worked, even when we were young; she has her own bank account and takes no crap.

When DH and I were getting married she told me to leave out the word "obey" in the vows

MIL on the other hand... ummm, less I say the better.

When I was growing up I thought my mum was a stauch feminist - wierdly as I have got older, she seems less and less engaged with it generally. My dad is great (now), but he has not been the easiest of people to be married to, and I think she rejects feminism so that she doesn't have to analyse her relationship that closely. I don't tend to discuss it with her as I would hate to have her dismiss something that means a great deal to me. I am very close to her in most other ways though.

On the other hand my sister who has a great career, fast car, own house etc, would rather die before she called herself a feminist and we have HUGE rows about it. And to conflate the other thread, I would consider myself something of a rad fem, even though I cannot articulate it as well as some here.

Fascinating thread.

My mum is a feminist (she's in her 60s) and I am too. We discuss feminist issues a lot (among other things).

I always think of it as a default position for women and am surprised so many women actively disagree with/dislike feminism.

I wonder if they feel threatened by it on some level (genuine, non sarky q).