Feminism and our mothers' reactions

[JessinAvalon]

Hi all

I get a very hostile reaction to my feminist campaigning from my mum. She takes every opportunity to be disparaging and to say "what about men?"

I have 2 brothers so I don't know if she feels the need to protect men's rights and, in agreeing with me, somehow thinks she might be setting herself in opposition to them.
-Or if it's an innate need to protect me from the kind of abuse that feminists get.
-Or if she doesn't want to question inequality because it will lead her to question many things about her own life.

For example, when my brothers went to a strip club, she defended their choice to go over my arguments as to why they shouldn't. When I started campaigning for the SEV legislation, and appeared on the local BBC news being interviewed, she was horrified.

I have my parents staying and, this morning, I was explaining to my Dad that I couldn't get a tyre pressure pump working for my car and that a friend's husband had tried as well. His response was: "G...(the husband) couldn't get it working? ". I said, "no. Why would he have more success than me? I was the one reading the instruction manual!" And my Dad looked sheepish and said, "err....because he's a man!" (Not specifically an example about feminism but it does show the innate sexism that my parents have.)

Then my Mum asked if I wanted her to pick up anything for tea from Marks and Spencer whilst they're out shopping today...err...no thanks Mum. I said I'm not shopping there at the moment. She sighed as if to say, "another one of your idiotic feminist things, I suppose."

I made the decision a long time ago to hide that part of my life from them completely to preserve my sanity, although it does upset me. I wondered if others had the same problem and, if so, how do you deal with it?

My parents are similar, my Dad is worse, of course. Surprise surprise. If he sees a woman in a nice car he assumes that a man has bought it for her. I have torn strips off him and he never reconsiders his gut instinct, he just thinks I am bitter because nobody bought me a car.. He also tells my mum whenever they run out of anything, and she goes and gets more of it no matter what she's in the middle of doing..

I hope that my dc will grow up to see me as a strong single parent who can do everything.

I'm with fluffy, I think it depends on teh parents.
I do think of myself as a feminist and am reading lurking on threads on here to educate myself but my mother takes great pride in being able ot do most things herself.
She has 4 daughters and a son, and although I doubt she would think of herself as a feminist, I have never had an inkling that she thinks we are any different to my brother.

My father, however....but he was a twat anyway!

I have the same problem jess. My Mum and I have a close relationship, but when I told her about a feminist book I was reading a few months ago, all she had to say was "turning into a lefty lesbian now are you?!" It was said in a jokey way, but I know that even saying "feminism" made her very uncomfortable. I think you are right when you said that if she actually thought about it, it would make her question her own life. How could she call herself a feminist when she has allowed my father to basically use her as an unpaid slave for 30 years?! Mind you, when I told her about my rape, all she had to say then was"were you drinking?" Other than that 10 minute car journey when I told her, it's never been mentioned since. So I suppose I know she doesn't deal with things she doesn't understand very well at all.

sorry about the lack of paragraphs, I'm posting on my rubbish phone!

When I told my mum I was stewarding reclaim the night, she called me a stupid girl, wouldn't I prefer to spend time with my DP?

When I grilled her about this, she backed down and said it was a good cause amongst protestations about how men are affected by these issues too.

I do wonder how on earth I turned out the way I am given my role models.

I am 34. She is 64. She's not an "old" 64 either.

In many ways, my Dad is better than my Mum. He treats me more as an adult than my Mum does and he doesn't actively put me down, in general or regarding my feminist campaigning, the way she does.

My Mum is quite limited in what she can do because of a very bad knee that she's had for most of her adult life. I think that's affected her ability to be independent and to do very physical jobs. I don't know if she would have done more traditional "men's work" if she could have done.

Do any of you feel that your parents, your mothers in particular, are disparaging about feminism the way mine is? And, if so, how do you deal with it?

my Mum/friends don't understand why I'd want to go to reclaim the night either. Hence why I've decided to just go on my own. (I think they are worried that by taking part in such a thing, I'll come back stinking of weed, with daisy chains in my hair and start wearing strange grubby clothes).

UmYeah and Ms Risotto - cross posted. Marking my place and will return later!

I just don't care personally...it's up to the individual...my Mum is uncomfortable with my radical ides about education...and abouut other strong beiefs I hold.

I'm not going to try and "convert" her...or get offended just because another woman (my Mother or not) does not hold strong feminist ideals...it's what makes the world go round...differences.

I don't particularly care if she doesn't agree with what I believe in. It's the looking at me like I've got two heads which can be upsetting.

That's awful UmYeah :( Really sorry about what happened to you.

My mum alternates between being proud as she brought me up as a feminist without me ever noticing at the time, and being fed up with hearing about it because she is frustrated that not enough has changed. She is very supportive though, as is my dad, and I'm very lucky to have that I know. It's quite funny really because my interest in feminism has reinvigorated hers in a way - my dad was wondering around pathetically wondering where dinner was last time I was home(god knows why as they share the cooking) - and we were both just laughing at him.

All of you who became feminists in spite of your parents need a bloody great round of applause. :)

Hard enough to be a feminist with none-few friends feeling the same way, let alone your parents knocking you down at every chance.

Good grief UmYeah...if you get upset about someone (even your mother)giving you a funny look I can't imagine how you get if someone really challenes you!

ok well that's a bit unneccessary...

I think there's a difference between being challenged on a subject and the people who are supposed to be proudest of us actively putting us and our feminist campaigning down.

My Mum has always gone out of her way to be disparaging and to belittle the campaigning that I do. It's extremely hurtful and appears more of a personal issue than because she fundamentally disagrees with me.

I think that my Mum, if forced, would say that she agrees with me but it's as if she has to distance herself from feminism and from my campaigning. I have never been able to pinpoint why.

I started this thread following a discussion with a friend last night whose mum started an argument with her about it. My friend is extremely hurt and I could understand exactly how she feels, having been in similar situations time after time with my own mother.

It would be lovely if my Mum could, from time to time, say that she's proud of what I do. It's not easy putting yourself out there, speaking at Council meetings, engaging the public, but I - and many others - do it because we can't sit back and do nothing. We deal with the abuse that's thrown at us by all the morons out there. Yet it seems to hurt much more when it comes from your own family and especially when it seems to have an underlying personal reason, rather than because they actually disagree with the principles that we are fighting for.

And yes, I get looks from my mother that imply that I'm in some sort of cult that I need to be rescued from so right there with you, UmYeah!

Jeez ForMash - read UmYeah's first post on the thread and you might have a little more sympathy?

Jess - it sounds like your problem is more of a personal one then, like she would pick away and criticise whatever you did?

You mum's comment about reclaim the night is just...hilarious :o

She really really doesn't get it eh?

I have no idea what my mother thinks of feminism.
She has (since age 16) married three men, all of whom have been able to support her in some comfort. One hit her. I have never discussed feminism with her, actually. (I didn't grow up with her except when very young.)

I must remember to ask her next time she's here - should put the wind up her

Dittany's mother's comment made me snort out loud.

I hadn't really thought about this at all, but I realised last night that the idea of telling my mum that I have been raped is terrifying. Partly because I know she would be devastated, and also because I think she would feel awkward and maybe try to explain it away (it was a grey area kind of thing, what some might call "not rape-rape"). So that made me feel a bit sad.

I think she probably has some major cognitive dissonance going on (parents both work full time but she does everything) but unfortunately she has very low self esteem so probably wouldn't be able to deal with much feminism. By this I mean that she would probably be unable to see that she can stand up for herself a bit more. Anyway, that makes me feel sad too :(

I have lent all of my feminist books to my sister recently though so that's a start.