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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Getting Married

26 replies

pinkthechaffinch · 30/09/2010 13:40

Well I'm getting hitched in May for a variety of reasons but I need some advice on one issue.

DS (stepson to DP) does not want me to change my surname as it will mean he is the only one in our family with his name. I completely understand and respect this, and indeed was not planning on taking DP's name for feminist reasons anyway.

My question is this- durung the actual ceremony when you have to sign the register, do you have to make it clear to the registrar what your intentions are, or can you just turn up and sign away.

OP posts:

JaneS · 30/09/2010 13:44

You have to sign in your maiden name anyway.

CMOTdibbler · 30/09/2010 13:45

They don't care what name you will use after

Original poster

pinkthechaffinch · 30/09/2010 13:46

Ok that's something.

So if you don't change your maiden name do you still have to bother notifying banks etc of the marriage?

OP posts:

frgr · 30/09/2010 13:48

well we both changed our names to double barrel. for about a year after the wedding i was still known as Ms Maidenname and H was known as Mr HisMaidenName.

during that year, i just continually used my real/normal (maiden) name, and have never made any mention of any potential Mrs MarriedName name

i was always under the impression/advice that a woman can change her name from Miss X to Mrs Y simply by using the ceremony certificate as proof at banks/etc. anything else had to be done by deed poll (and if your H takes your name, that always has to be done by deed poll)

in other words, your name doesn't automatically become Mrs Y after the ceremony. it simply opens up the female partner to using her partner's surname legally. it's an opportunity, not a forced, automatic change.

frgr · 30/09/2010 13:52

p.s. i never informed anyone of the marraige. not the tax folk, not employers, nothing. never had any issues

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 30/09/2010 13:53

Some good info here but it looks like you just keep it, but can use H's surname instead if you like.

You just have to let people (banks etc) know.

come to think of it I remember reading a novel where the girl signed her married name in the register and it was taken as a bad omen.

JaneS · 30/09/2010 13:57

As far as I've found out, the only people who might really care are insurance people. Your car insurance might go up or down, for example. I don't think the bank has any reason for needing to know, but the insurers technically do, and might I suppose get shirty if they found you hadn't informed them.

AliceWorld · 30/09/2010 14:10

I found this interesting when I got married, as I always thought you had to choose what you were doing and stick with it, but you don't. I changed my name here and there, and didn't change it here and there. So I still have both names on different things. A call centre got shirty with me the other day I couldn't remember whether I was alice x or alice y for them, and tried to say I had to be one or the other but soon backed down when I didn't engage with that.

The registrar doesn't care.

AliceWorld · 30/09/2010 14:11

Just wanted to add in my experience you can use either or, you don't have to decide an inform people. You in effect have two names. (Like a spy [cool smiley])

minipie · 30/09/2010 14:21

If you don't change your name you don't have to inform anyone or do anything.

Not the vicar/registrar, not the bank, nobody.

So easy.

(I cannot understand why people say it's "easier" to change your name).

Original poster

pinkthechaffinch · 30/09/2010 14:46

Thank you so much for all the info.

for some reason i thought a big fuss would be made during the signing and one would have to be v assertive/ prepared to put up with raised eyebrows from family members but seems not

thankfully.

OP posts:

frgr · 30/09/2010 15:53

"I cannot understand why people say it's "easier" to change your name"

they mean conforming to what society wants, they don't mean in practical purposes. even if they don't admit it

JaneS · 30/09/2010 17:03

Oh, I don't know. I would have found the last couple of months far 'easier' at the bank if only I'd changed my name. But then, they would also have preferred me to change my irritating habit of earning more than DH, and I didn't fancy that so much.

minipie · 30/09/2010 17:35

frgr I agree - just wish they'd admit it.

what bothers me particularly is that some people create all these myths about how difficult life is if you don't change your name in order to justify their decision to change their name in practical terms. (for example - But how will anyone know you are your DC's mother? Er, because you'll be the one wiping DC's nose, or failing that because you'll tell them?) If they are honest it's just because it's tradition and they want to follow tradition.

rant over

JaneS · 30/09/2010 18:07

mini, that 'because you'll be the one wiping DC's nose' made me grin!

I have been enjoying, every time someone asks us if I'm changing my name, turning to DH and saying, 'No, I don't think so, are you changing yours, dear?'

It is great.

minipie · 30/09/2010 18:36

Yes, my mum (who didn't change her name when marrying my dad) always uses "No, and he didn't either".

Think my equivalent is "No, and I'm not dying my hair to match his either".

JaneS · 30/09/2010 18:44

Nice!

You know, it occurs to me the thing about 'how will people know I'm his mother' is very similar to the way my elderly great-aunt used to talk about mixed-race children! As in, 'Oh, but it'd be neither the one thing nor the other! It wouldn't have your colouring!'

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 30/09/2010 19:00

Have just had a mad conversation with my brother who mentioned that I would be changing my name when (if) I get married. Told him I wouldn't, why would I want to? Became this ridiculous "you will" "I bloody won't!" "you will" "aargh" type squabble.

DB - if you're reading this, I won't and that's that.

JaneS · 30/09/2010 19:18

Wow, why does your brother care? Or was he winding you up?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 30/09/2010 19:24

I honestly have no clue! He's actually a feminist himself believe it or not, so I think it was more disbelief that I would want to keep the name (which is pretty cumbersome) when I could "so easily" change it.

I did point out that it's my name, however unwieldy. Bonkers, that boy.

Mind you as I mentioned on another thread my (previously totally unfeminist) male friends are now incensed that female friend is changing to her fiance's name. They think it's crap. Maybe things are changing.

Teitetua · 30/09/2010 19:24

Well lessee, years ago I knew a couple where her family really liked him, but his family never took to her. So he changed his name to hers.

And last year I went to a wedding of two middle-aged people. She'd been married before and she'd continued with the ex's name, but she said "I don't feel like being Mrs Newbloke at this point in my life" and he said "I don't feel like picking up a Mrs Newbloke at this point in my life" so she reverted to her maiden name, which she'd been missing for a long time. She had two grown-up kids from the first marriage but she said they were fine with it (and they came to the wedding and smiled, so it was probably true).

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 30/09/2010 19:26

Btw OP - that's really nice for your son. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for the kids of former relationships, when they're left out of the "family name". Another reason for women to keep their names (and hand them on to their kids) - they're far more likely to be the consistent elements in the kids' lives than the fathers are (sadly).

JaneS · 30/09/2010 20:10

Ooh, I hope things are changing Elephants!

I agree, it is so nice that the OP's keeping the same name as her son.

togarama · 30/09/2010 23:29

You only need to notify everyone if you're changing your name.

I had a total shock when we got to the end of the wedding ceremony 6 years ago and the registrar said "Now you can sign your name for the last time."

I spluttered and said quite loudly "Is there something I need to sign to say that I'm keeping my name? I'm not changing my name."

She apologised immediately for the gaffe and said that there was nothing I needed to do. My name would just stay the same unless I changed it officially separately from the wedding.

This was the same registry office where our wedding was held up for 10 mins because they didn't realise that I was the bride because I wasn't in a white dress (even though I'd gone to the reception desk and told them that I was one of the people getting married at 11am)...

Original poster

pinkthechaffinch · 01/10/2010 07:30

Thanks elephants and dragons.

He is nearly 9 and I asked him if he fancied changing his name as no contact with his father since the age of 3. He said no, vehemently, which surprised me as our surname is Jones (no need to namechange LOL)
he really likes his names!

I'm glad i asked him his feelings tho. We've talked about DP adopting him as they have positive step relationship but am going to leave it, esp with adolescence around the corner.

OP posts:

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