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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Can someone help me?

21 replies

KittyTwoShoes · 18/09/2010 13:28

Well, not 'help' so much as just listen really. I suppose I'm just looking for some support really, for someone to say that they believe me even though I have no proof, and that I don't deserve this.

Around 18 months ago I was raped. I was unconcious at the time (not drugged, just passed out) so wasn't entirely sure, and found it easier to believe, that he may not have actually raped me. For various reasons, I didn't tell my then-boyfriend, until I discovered I was pregnant a few weeks later, but shortly after that I miscarried. My ex was originally supportive until he found out about the miscarriage, and then turned to believing that I had never been pregnant, I was just looking for attention, though he claimed he believed me about the rape. We broke up, and I lost all of our mutual friends (though to be fair, most of them were his friends first).

Recently his new girlfriend and friends of his, some that I used to know and some that I've never met or spoken to, he's met them since we broke up, have been sending me emails and comments on my blog accusing me of being a liar, making snide comments, ("So was that before or after you were 'raped', or can't you remember?"). Lately they've been suggesting that I lied about being raped because I had a sexual fetish about it but didn't want to admit it, which isn't true.

This morning I got a message on a blog post I wrote about something funny I saw at a club, and got the response: "Oh, that's funny, I go to that club all the time and I don't remember anyone who fits your description... Are you sure you were there, or have you 'forgotten' the details? You do that sometimes, don't you?"

I'm just so sick of the nastiness. I'm trying to get on with my life, I don't even know these people, I don't speak to them or see them or even know what they look like. I don't understand why they do it. It's as if they want to make everyone know I'm a liar - if they genuinely wanted to verify something surely they could email me and just ask privately? Why broadcast it publicly? I've accepted that not everybody believes me, and that's not unusual for rape survivors, even though I swear I never lied. But what does it have to do with them? It's not as if I'm banging on their doors shouting "Believe me! Believe me!" I don't speak to them, I don't go near them. I just want to be left alone.

I'm sorry for posting this here; I'm not sure if it's the right place to put it or if I should have said it here at all, but I needed to get it out and it's easier to do it anonymously. Sorry.

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dittany · 18/09/2010 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyTwoShoes · 18/09/2010 14:31

Thanks dittany. The rapist wasn't a friend of his, he was a stranger. (Classed by the police as "acquaintance rape" though, because he tried to spike my drink in a bar a couple of months before and then took to creeping around outside my flat. Not sure how being a creepy stalker is the same as being an acquaintance, but...)

I have no idea if my ex has done similar things... that never occurred to me before. I don't know if he has, but I do think he might have a sexual fetish about it, from a couple of things he said over time. (For example, when I did tell him about what happened and I was crying on the bed, he said, "If you weren't so traumatised this would be quite hot, wouldn't it?")

I'm moderating comments on the blog now, yes. A friend helps me moderate sometimes, so hopefully if there are any vile ones she can get to them first, but there have been a couple that are seemingly innocent but still hurtful that get through. I do have some real life support but I know talking about it is hard for my friends (they're lovely, and do everything they can, but I know they find it hard) and I'm afraid sometimes that they might think, "Well if they're that convinced you're lying, they must have a reason..." and I would lose them too.

In terms of age, I'm quite young - I'm 20 now, I was 18 when it happened. My ex is five years older though and I believe his new partner is older than him - closer to 30 I think. Some of his friends are from work so are older, some are my sort of age, some are his age.

The one who left the message today is a year younger than me. She's previously questioned a post about my school, saying she's the year below me and she went to that school and doesn't remember me, why would I say I went there when I didn't, etc. But I know for a fact what school she went to, because I knew her a little before, and it wasn't mine. That's the sort of thing that just confuses me and seems simply spiteful, and is the worst.

Anyway I'll stop now because this reply is almost as long as the post. But thanks dittany, you've made me feel a bit better :)

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chocolatestar · 18/09/2010 14:59

Kitty that is just awful, I am so sorry. Firstly I totally believe you and I am so sorry that others are invalidating you and adding to your trauma in such a spiteful manner.

Have you had any support for the rape? There might be a rape crisis near you that can help or you could speak to your GP. There is also a good on line community here: www.pandys.org/
It is well moderated and very safe.

The comments your ex made are really vile. As is the behaviour of his friends. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I hope you can distance yourself from them and get some help for the rape.

Take care.

missmoopy · 18/09/2010 15:16

I think you should contact the ex and his group of pathetic friends and suggest they stop with the campaign of hatred or you will be contacting the police. It is harrassment.

Your ex sounds like he is getting some kind of sexual thrill from both your rape and the subsequent harrassment he is subjecting you to.

I am so sorry you were raped, and I hope you have spoken to someone about it - Rape Crisis are very good and there are usually local charities who offer support too.

Good luck x

KittyTwoShoes · 18/09/2010 15:34

Thanks chocolatestar. I've joined that site, it seems lovely :)

Missmoopy, that's a good idea to tell him I'll contact the police. I might do that. Thank you.

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missmoopy · 18/09/2010 15:35

And if you tell him, and he continues, please do contact the police. It is harrassment, and that is an offence.

Gettingagrip · 18/09/2010 17:09

Kitty...do you keep a diary of these events? Do you have the messages saved?

I would say go straight to the police with this. I was harrassed by an ex partner, and got the police to serve him with a harrassment order. You should not have to put up with this, it's truly dreadful for you.

dittany · 18/09/2010 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSawdust · 18/09/2010 17:35

I haven't been raped, but many years ago, when I was 17, I fell pregnant by accident to my abusive boyfriend. I had a miscarriage, and my boyfriend convinced himself and all our mutual friends that I must have made the whole pregnancy up just to get attention, or to try and keep him (we were on the verge of splitting up and did so immediately after my miscarriage). He even told me that my mum had told him she didn't believe I had really been pregnant (I confronted her and she denied this totally) and I lost my best friend at that time because of it.

I don't know what point I'm trying to make, I just wanted to share the pain and frustration of going through a personal trauma and the person closest to you accusing you of making it up. It's control, abuse, mindgames, denial ... Whatever you want to call it, it isn't fair. And 18 years on I still feel the sting of the injustice of it all.

What you have been through (and are still going through) is a lot worse than my experience. If I were you I would consider going to the police for advice.These people's harassment is totally unacceptable. Don't accept it.

KittyTwoShoes · 18/09/2010 18:21

Thanks everyone. I'll start keeping a note - I've deleted the emails so far but I'll keep them from now on - and think about the police.

MrsSawdust, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's awful. Thank you for sharing that, it's good to feel that I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this. (Not that I'm glad you did, just that I'm not alone, if you see what I mean.)

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sethstarkaddersmum · 18/09/2010 18:30

I believe you Kitty.

it's just all too common for women to get raped and then for them to be treated like this.
I have come to the conclusion that people act very weirdly around rape victims - the lengths people will go to to not believe it happened is frankly bizarre when you think about it.

You certainly don't deserve this & I hope things get better for you soon.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 18/09/2010 18:35

I believe you too, Kitty. And I'm really sorry you are being put through this. It sounds to me like these people - given that they don't know you - are doing it either at ex's bidding, or as a means to cosy up to him.

There's not much I can say except that they're bastards. Do keep a note somewhere - copy and paste into a word doc, or maybe keep a file of screenshots so it's more credible? Can you block them from posting?

And remember you can always come on here and find someone to talk to :)

jenny60 · 18/09/2010 18:49

I believe you too Kitty and there are lots of women here who do and will. The others have given you some great advice and I don't really have anything to add, but please keep talking to us if it helps. You should not have to go through this. You have suffered too much already.

Gettingagrip · 18/09/2010 19:43

Can you get the deleted emails back again? Is that possible?

Mumi · 18/09/2010 21:36

I believe you. I was harassed both verbally and physically for much the same reasons (or non-reasons(?)!) as you. I wish I'd had the support to contact the police much earlier than I did.

Even if you think they are getting away with looking technically "innocent" on the face of it, I know cases in which the law has seen these kinds of comments for what they really are, so please feel confident in reporting them. If they were only moderated after automatic publishing they may be cached.

If you receive any more messages, make it clear that they are unwelcome, that you will be contacting the police if they persist even once more, and be prepared to carry that out.

KittyTwoShoes · 19/09/2010 12:02

Thank you so much everyone.

I know I can get the deleted comments back from the blog, but I'm not sure about the emails. I will try to find out. Thank you.

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granhands · 20/09/2010 18:26

I cannot offer any advice, but I just wanted to say that I believe you too.

Take care.

celticfairy101 · 20/09/2010 18:59

I believe you as well. No extra advise from me but I wish you all the very best.

KittyTwoShoes · 20/09/2010 21:16

Thank you :)

I've sent an email to one of the girls this evening saying it's harassment and from now on I'll be documenting everything as evidence for the police. I'm a bit scared about what sort of response I'll get but you're all really helping.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 21/09/2010 14:17

Hopefully a resounding silence Kitty! :)

KittyTwoShoes · 22/09/2010 10:55

Hopefully, Elephants! All quiet so far so fingers crossed :)

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