Feeling attacked now I speak up about being a feminist

[thefinerthingsinlife]

Within the last few months I have 'become' a feminist, so bear with me (I'm still learning )

I have started speaking out about things that bother me and I get a similar response most times along the lines of theres "no need for feminism" and "what about the 'poor hard done by' men" and "agh stop being such a bloody feminist"

I feel like i'm banging my head against a brick wall.

How do you all deal with this?

I know what you mean, thefinerthings. I think it happens to all of us at some point. I told a colleague that I was going to Reclaim the Night, and that it was a protest (he asked) about the fact that women are too scared to walk the streets at night due to the prevalence of rape and assault. His response: "so you hate men then?". Some people just feel very threatened, even when it's something that you might think would be uncotroversial (e.g. rape is bad)

mastering self-respect for your beliefs,and accepting others may not share is crucial.beliefs and interactions with others vary which is what makes life so interesting.would be v dull if we all thought the same.mature stance is to live with individual difference

Once you see sexism, you can't not see it. Realising that the world is fundamentally gendered was for me akin to being prescribed the correct glasses: it changed the way I see everything. But I'm human, I get tired, don't have enough time, energy, will etc... to take on everything I see. I choose my battles and I think I am can be quietly subversive in small ways too.

very true jenny (that what I tried to say in a backwards way).

How many of us 20 somethings are there?

Where a tip - if you find yourself calling anyone anti-feminist you have veered into bulgy eyed zealot"

So there's no such thing as anti-feminist then?

I think it's a case of choose your battles. I never bother to argue with people I know are impervious to reasoned argument, what's the point? It's just tiring and discouraging and spoils your otherwise civilised relationship with them. (Except on mumsnet of course - it's worth it then because reasonable lurkers may pick up some of your arguments.) I generally make an ironic comeback, but v. low key. And most people are tactful - they don't want an argument either, so it's laughed off. You don't have to agree with them, but you can do that English thing of smiling politely and saying "really?" which makes it quite clear that you disagree with them wthout drawing you into a row.

I'm signing in as a twenty-something new feminist with very bemused friends as well!

It probably doesn't help that most of my friends are male, though I agree with Tess - I find it helps to make a point without mentioning feminism or sexism. If people have blinkered viewpoints to begin with then announcing "I've been reading about feminism" or "I'm a bit of a feminist and..." tends to put them on the defensive or make them switch off. But if you just have the debate/discussion about the subject without the label then most people are interested.

I'm really enjoying this thread.

Me too, mid-twenties.

My friends know where I stand, and I think actually quite a few of them value me as "the feminist one" who they can talk to about certain things. With my friends I don't get all high-horsey though - there's no need because I know they're not wankers - I just use my deep well of sarcasm most of the time if they say something daft.

At work most of the time you can't do that but an icy stare or pretence of imcomprehension go along way I think. "Sorry, I'm confused, are you saying that women can't be camera operators?" for example, kind of points out to others what the sexist arse was saying without the "hilarious" coating that said S.A. had put on it.

Sorry it's hard to explain in writing without it sounding really fake, but it's important IMO to be able to make jokes sometimes - it's easy to get a bit of a hair-trigger, and sometimes you need to take a breath and realise that someone is trying to wind you up, or not being serious, and you really are better off laughing about it. One of the great things about MN I think is the way that people can laugh at themselves and make a joke about things even around fairly serious subjects, and I think if you can do that it helps you to be seen as reasonable and approachable. NOT saying you should take any crap, but sometimes people will try to wind you up about some feminist issue (that's people for you) and there's no point trying to argue seriously because they're just looking for a rise out of you.

Elephants makes some good points about it helping if you don't take yourself too seriously.
None of my friends is quite sure if I'm serious about making a feminist patchwork quilt with a picture of Andrea Dworkin appliqued to the middle of it. A little bit of gentle winding up makes it more fun for everyone IMO.

over zealous fervour is turn off in any topic.regardless of how worth it is and yes wee bit mirth goes long way

Brilliant SSM :o

Yeah my friend started out being all "but feminists are all hairy-legged lesbians" etc etc, and I told him he was quite right, I was actually worried that my leg-hair wasn't growing quickly enough and the other girls at the commune would laugh at me. Now he always asks how the hairy-legged lesbianism is going, which actually means he wants to know if I've been campaigning etc and what about. (He is my friend after all)

Whenever I am trying to do my bit to highlight inequality, I'd love to let everyone know that I'm a feminist and that my arguments for trying to promote equality are based on feminist principles which many courageous women have formulated over many decades etc. However, I understand that can be a big turn-off to many non-feminists. In real life I don't use the Feminism word much, but that hasn't stopped me objecting, arguing and protesting when the need arises.

There's no requirement that you have to give the hard sell that your opinions, philosophy and/or politics are feminism-based. We are really aiming to raise awareness of inequality in the hope that the other person will change their attitude and behaviour. They don't have to told that it is feminism that is behind your words or actions. The feminist argument still stands even if no label is attached.

Yes whenever a particular friend compliments me on a new dress/ jeans etc., I always say: "oh it's becuase my dungarees are in the wash today".

The joke hasn't worn off yet...

saw someone in tie-dyed dungarees t'other day as it happens

Did you do the secret handshake, sm?

can't see that anyone's asked, but who are these remarks mostly ocming from and in what context OP?

haha if i told ya that wouldn't be secret would it.i do have some quirky nuances though

"here a tip - if you find yourself calling anyone anti-feminist you have veered into bulgy eyed zealot"

That'll be me then scottishmummy
I can nominate a number of anti-feminists. How about I start with king of porn, Max Hardcore, or Mr Rose of Marks and Spencer and take it from there

ISNT:
Some people say that it's no good being surrounded by people that broadly agree with you, as ideas should always be challenged. I say that feminist ideas are challenged/ignored so much in real life, that a space like this on MN is very much needed!

It's funny, I find that the people who say things like that are the same ones objecting to me having an opinion that differs from theirs. Clearly this whole "I'm just trying to challenge your ideas" thing only works the one way.

My husband was very resistant to being called a feminist, for a long time. Now, when he sees an inequality that makes him splutter (and, as a part-time SAHD who deals with "mummy and baby spaces" a lot, it comes up often) I think he's very grateful that he can offload with me. Like Elephants says, you might be 'the feminist one' but then you come to represent a safe haven for people who are seeing unfairness but don't know who to discuss it with themselves.

I think ISNT was just refering to the fact that there has been a history on the feminist topic of people being incensed that feminists have a different POV to the norm, and consequently attacking them for it. So I think ISNT perhaps meant that it was nice to come accross an internet space where you can receive validation and know you're not going mad.

Oh, I agree with her entirely.

I just mean, I find it funny when blokes people come into these areas and complain about echo chambers and "I'm only trying to challenge the way you think for your own good" and whatnot, and these tend to be the same people who go into sputtering rages if you dare to question their worldview - i.e., by espousing a feminist viewpoint.

My last paragraph was totally unrelated, making for a confusing post.

Ah... got. I though your "some people" was ISNT, but you meant men people people.